Posted by
SBTVC
• 06.24.09 09:00 am


I love my girlfriend, I really do, in fact I’m actually planning on proposing to her sometime in the near future, however there are a few small problems.

I love my girlfriend, I really do, in fact I’m actually planning on proposing to her sometime in the near future, however there are a few small problems. For starters she’s on this “dirty girl” kick right now, she sends me raunchy texts and emails, then when we’re together she says all manner of boner inducing nastiness right into my wet little ear pussy. She likes to look me right in the eye while I’m driving and tell me that she can’t wait to get home and “suck my cock till I cum all over her face”, awesome right? No, not really, mostly because she never fucking delivers!!!! We’ll get home, I’ll immediately drag her into the bedroom start with all the kissing and squeezing of parts unmentionable, and inevitably this is where I fuck up, I go down on her first. I know, I’ve been brainwashed into thinking that I have to do this almost ever time or she will stop loving me, gay huh? This always leads to cries of fuck me now, faster, harder, yada yada yada…whatever. A handful of times after drinking I’ve gotten fairly porno-esque, nothin too serious, but I might have gotten a little rough in the heat of the moment, smacked some ass (actually once I was really hammered and missed her ass completely and hit myself right in the nuts) and said some shit that induced Katrina like wetness. But still, does she say shit like that because she knows that she’s gonna get what she wants as soon as we get home?

Or does she really mean it and we just get caught up in the heat of it all? Because I’m confused, I have never been the type of guy who demands fellatio, it’s always a welcome guest in my pants-house but I just can’t ask for a blowjob. That seems like copping out to me, maybe I’m wrong, but would honestly feel shitty if I was sitting on the couch, looked over at the woman I love and said “hey baby, I’m bored, hows about you come over here and suck me off…ehhh, c’mon”.

I don’t know, maybe I’m being a bit of a pussy, but there is one more thing, and she does this so much, usually after I’m done polluting her insides. She sits straight up, does her little “whew” shake, and then scoots of the edge of the bed. Literally leaving a trail of our biological gnarliness all the way down the sheets. For fuck’s sake, I don’t get it, what can’t she just sit up, swing her legs over the side and hop to the bathroom, or she could lay there and let the brew ferment, I wouldn’t be offended either way, but the snail trail has got to stop.

Sincerely,
Alex

Alex,
Wow, we get one personally that goes past Drew and Barf, eh? OK let’s do this…
To complain that you’re too busy eating out and fucking to get a blow job is like complaining a great party doesn’t have enough types of vodka. Grow up and fuck her you fag. You’re in the honeymoon stage so you might as well enjoy it. Blow jobs are for when she’s menstruating, or in the passenger seat, or the honeymoon phase has died down a bit and you can afford to have shenanigans without going all the way.
As far as demanding felatio goes, this is a toughie. The only time a girlfriend or even wife is going to allow you to pull it out and just go “put this in your fucking mouth” is when there is absoloutely 0.000 doubt in your voice. Getting rejected with your dick out is like being hit by a truck so you only want to do when you’re prepared to insist it goes down no matter what. This is a HUGE bluff and things could get ugly so don’t do it unless you have what it takes – unless the relationship has what it takes.
Also, you had better make sure your dick is as clean as a whistle but not so clean it tastes like soap. Fuck. Dip the tip in honey and if she sees you doing that shrug your shoulders because you’re that guy right now. Dig?
Oh yeah and the snail trail thing is the gayest complaint we’ve ever heard. You should be gathering that stuff into a milkshake glass. Stop your bitching. You sound like Larry David.
Sincerely,
SBTVC


Comments
  1. Haha marriage… Dude realize this filth phase is page 6 for her, come to think of it most of them have only gotten to page 12 even in their 30′s. You HAVE TO accept this, the phases don’t stop. The generations born after 80, we have developed this game, squeeze the juice out till there’s no more, get outdone by someone else or vice versa, get a new 1… Cycle marches forward.

    And yes, when next occasion arises. You tell your to drink your cock, and with some fucking conviction! Ain’t my first rodeo.

    Love & affections,

    uncle Rodney

  2. c. roco says:

    i really do have an uncle rodney and he told me the exact same thing…

  3. wyatt says:

    blowjobs ending in facials. demand them because thats what shes asking you to do you fucking pussy. jeezus I’ve never read such whiney williamsburg hipster faggot shit in my life. man the fuck up.

  4. french guy says:

    at first, i was like ‘overshare’ but then i was like ‘hey, i get it about the snail trail’.

    But then again, don’t we frogs eat snails? and since when do frogs care about hygiene? so yeah, i don’t really get you, in the end. you’re just a whiner.

    Anyways i’d rather read 1000 stories like yours rather than those told by fucking cunts crying about their ‘loving and caring boyfriends’ that don’t fuck them anymore.

  5. Dork says:

    I say dip the tip in plain sight and smile seductively. See what happens. If that doesn’t work try Hershey’s syrup or canned whipped cream (then give her a hit of the nitrous).

  6. Satan Davis Jr. says:

    She’ll cheat on you, guaranteed. She obviously enjoys being a nasty little slut, but you’re just a tame white guy who doesn’t have any game. Why would she wanna stay with a guy like you? Women use their pussy to get things, and obviously she’s figured out how to drive a man crazy, you think this is where it stops? You’re in the submissive position in this relationship, if you’re willing to marry her you better realize and accept that.

  7. Vane$$a says:

    Cheat on her and immediately confess to doing it. When you utter the words, “I cheated on you,” show a slight hint of smirk on the lips and gleam in the eye. Be evil and pro-active. During your confession, tell her that you felt compelled to do it because your balls had become so blue looking for proper sex that you started referring to them as Charley Patton and Skip James. Tell her that she bores you and that if she wants reconciliation she better step up her game. Sure, she might dump you, but she’ll never forget you and you’ll be free of her bullshit. And if she doesn’t dump you? You’ll get what you want and then some. Trust me. It never pays to be a fag.

  8. PoonieMuff says:

    Here’s an FYI – I’ve passed year 2 with my guy. And any time we’re in the middle of sex and he looks me dead in the eye and says ‘Suck it,’ I oblige happily. In fact, I kinda love it when that happens.

    It seems like you’re a pussy fuckin’ a pussy…just sayin…

  9. Hanus says:

    Sounds like the advice you got is about some sort of HUGE bluff, and trying to demand something from someone i suspect you care about. Im sure this will end well for you. What about asking her why she doesn’t follow through, and tell her that it would be cool if she did. Maybe she has some input on this? Maybe even more input than a bunch of strangers on some blog. Whoever wrote that advice is insane to think that blow jobs are for some purpose other than getting a blow job. They aren’t for some special blood period and aren’t restricted to a car. Blow jobs are good whenever and wherever they may happen, and hopefully if you like getting them then you are with someone who likes giving them and if not then that’s where the art of negotiation comes in. Good luck.

  10. Aviva says:

    Why did “Alexs’ gravy train with biscuit wheels” link to my blog? That wasn’t me. The internet scares me. Gav?

  11. Danielle says:

    If she likes to act like a dirty little slut I don’t think talking it through is really going to help. Chances are, she knows she’s in contol and she’s bored of it. She’s probably waiting for you to step up, be a man, and boss her around a bit (classic power bottom). The next time she starts all that raunchy talk look her in the eye and say “Fuck you, dirty little bitch. When we get home you better deliver.” Then smile mischievously.

    That should do it.

  12. Turd Town says:

    69, dude. 69. Win-win.

  13. Satan Davis Jr. says:

    VANESSA GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Sal says:

    Wake her up in the morning with a smegma shower.

    Then when she wakes up all pissed, say “I thought that’s what you wanted!? and show her the text message.

    My motto is if you have an free out use it.

  15. Marie says:

    Stop doing something for her that she likes. Like, if she likes good backrubs and asks for one you say that you are tired but you will give her one, if she gives you a blowjob. Or do it for eating her out, or whatever it is.

  16. Charles says:

    What you have to do is start dirty-talking like an Italian sailor. Tell her you’re going to fuck her in all three holes and then spank her little ass until she comes with your cock in her mouth. Describe things that aren’t possible. You don’t even have to do all the things you say, but the things you do get to do will steadily become incrementally better. Dirty-talking is the key to the castle.

    And for God’s sake just shove your cock in her mouth.

  17. my mom says:

    just piss in her anus for god’s sake.

  18. beej says:

    fuck i wish i didnt accidentally read some of the comments on this site, i always forget im on sbtvc.

    classic response / advice though.

  19. Drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    Of all these comments, Charles is the most rightest.

  20. Kennedy says:

    What are you talking about? My Mom is the most rightest(and tightest)!

  21. lol@u says:

    I say dump her. She sounds like a nasty annoying bitch.


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