Posted by
Street Carnage
• 04.30.16 11:26 am

The same people who are bothered by the plethora of modern hipsters will brag to their friends about the new “whole carcass” butcher shop they found down the street where they buy heritage pork, or the craft whiskey bar around the corner that makes a darned good Old Fashioned. You all schlep into these establishments and fawn over mustachioed baristas wearing antique frames and blacksmith aprons and you beg them for more info on bourbon mash bills and single estate coffee. All these hip spots with lines out the door—they’re probably owned and operated by someone you’d fancy a hipster. And you love it.

I’ve been called a hipster since I moved to San Francisco in 2002, but I’ve never really been sure why. I’m the asshole here? Because I wear clothes that fit and I comb my hair? Better I slum it with you fuckheads who wear cargo shorts and baggy t-shirts with dirt biking slogans on them. I’m the asshole? You guys with your scuffed up skate shoes look like Adam Sandler on his way to rehab.

Dinty Moore, maker of the barely-edible, dog food-like canned beef stew often mistaken for palatable retro-cuisine, launched an ad campaign that takes aim at dapper bearded gentlemen who don’t know how to properly work a vintage crosscut saw. The latest derogatory term for hipster is “lumbersexual,” meaning a man who has a beard and wears jeans and boots. Another term for this look is “men who dress like grown-ups.”

This 7-11 junkie food company has ventured into the business of coaching up insufficiently manly men, and they fail miserably in their attempt at clever irony. And this has been the problem the entire time with the people who rag on hipsters… It’s all people who should be doing nothing other than keeping their fucking yaps shut while they’re shuffling down to their boring office jobs in their business casual pleated pants, listening to Drake songs in their Beats By Dre headphones, chuckling about guys in fitted tweed blazers under their breath. Fucking hipsters, right? If you make homeless people food for a living, you should probably not be opining on the sartorial authenticity of men otherwise minding their own fucking business.

Goddamned busybodies everywhere worrying about what I’m wearing. I wear a silver bracelet on my wrist that I constantly trap people with. They always have to make a smug comment: “Nice bracelet you got there.” To which I reply, “Oh, thanks. It’s actually one of those magnetic bracelets that pro athletes wear—you know for balance.” Invariably they do a 180 and get excited: “Oh that’s cool! Does it work?” To which I reply, “No, you retard, this isn’t a magic balance bracelet. It’s just a piece of silver.”

We are a country full of dudes who weigh 160 proudly claiming their t-shirt size: “I wear an XL.” In what way should anyone consider you not only a large person, but an extra large person? Men of such dainty stature should not be considered large, and should thus not wear clothing designed for men who are.

You’re wearing an oversized Steph Curry jersey and shoes that were designed for playing basketball to go grocery shopping. How’s your jump shot, guy? Nobody’s calling out these phonies, but we’re the asshole hipsters because we have beards? Proudly wearing another man’s name on the back of your shirt, like he’s your idol, is the same as telling everyone who your favorite Ninja Turtle is: a) I don’t give a shit, and b) grow up. The real reason you’re bothered by us is because you notice us.

Dinty Moore’s little trick here is textbook lazy cop-out social commentary, where they pick on imaginary white men in an imaginary context. Next time you see one of these bearded guys in jeans walking down the street, ask him what he does—it’ll probably be something fairly lucrative and interesting. People thought of as hipsters tend to have their shit together, or are at least interesting.

This sort of fuckery by Dinty Moor should not be tolerated, as what they’re really doing is appropriating working class culture, condescending towards a socioeconomic group, and thus violating all the PC rules that apply to everyone else. People who use offensive gender terms like lumbersexual are the ones imparting their own social constructs onto others, which has gotta be racist or at least some other kind of “ist.”  Lumberjacks don’t even dress like lumberjacks, so you’re taking a cartoon image of a blue collar worker, applying a fictional stereotypical skill that real lumberjacks don’t give a shit about like axe throwing or vintage sawyering, and are using this visage to criticize nobody in particular—just generally the safe, lowest common denominator class of wimpy beta males.

Anti-hipsterdom is the ultimate insecure cuckold movement— why do you give a shit what I wear? It’s because you notice dudes who aren’t slobs and you’re envious, but you’re too much of a pussy to wear anything other than bitch-tit-masking pastel polo shirts endorsed by Phil Mickelson. Or worse yet, you wear clothes your girlfriend buys for you and garnish yourself with Axe Bodyspray.

And this Dainty Moore insecurity is really what underlies hatred and “hate speech,” whatever that means. ISIS hates us because they’re envious of strippers and monster truck rallies. I don’t hate anything because I don’t have deeply rooted desires that I can’t come to terms with. (The oft-misused term homophobic actually describes a man so insecure about his man cravings that he develops a hatred of his fellow gays.) If you’ve found yourself sharing these videos with clever comments like “DIE HIPSTER SCUM,” you’re worse than ISIS, and you’ve got some soul searching to do. Or at least some shopping. Go ahead and buy some snug jeans and a pair of leather boots. Grow a beard. You know you want to.

-ROB HOHNE


Comments
  1. You are What You Eat says:

    I like the new generation of fast food eaters pouring into Panera’s to eat “fresh, clean” food. Uh, huh. You mean that free range, organic, grilled chicken sammich on an artisan, whole grain bun, with shaved Asiago and fresh rugola, heirloom tomato (grown in the garden behind their strip mall location) and herbal mayo washed down with a sun-brewed naturally sweetened sun tea?
    .
    .

    Or, in their parent’s terms… A Grilled McChicken with a Lipton’s sweet tea.

  2. Mental Masturbator says:

    Fascinating!!!

  3. OogaBooga says:

    Well, faggot, one of the annoying things about male hipsters is the fact that most of them are strained-through-a-rubber pencil necked geeks who dress like their conception of lumberjacks and cover themselves with sailor tatts while AT THE SAME TIME spouting their male-feminist derision for “hypermasculinity” and “patriarchy” and normal expressions of heterosexual male attraction to females. I’m bothered by that and I don’t give a shit about whole carcasses or Old Fashioneds. I’m going to go buy some Dinty Moore and save it for my next Guinness hangover.

  4. Patrick the HVAC Guy says:

    Don’t lumberjacks use chainsaws anyways? I mean, even the Amish, who frame houses we work in, use nail guns and air compressors.

  5. OogaBooga says:

    And meth.

  6. Zippy says:

    True story. My mom had a can of Dinty Moore when I was a kid. She opened it up, said “Ugh” and gave it to the dog. THAT VERY NIGHT, the dog ran out onto the road and was killed. Coincidence? I’m not eating that canned shit to find out.

  7. S says:

    Don’t worry. No one thinks you sound defensive.

    If you should venture outside The City, say somewhere into flyover country, no one will ever question your authenticity.
    They will know you for who you are immediately and be kind to you anyway.

  8. TWalsh2 says:

    Heh, heh, heh, heh hipster bitch complains about non hipster bitches labeling him a hipster bitch. Nobody gives a fuck about either of y’all. Keep your bitch ass in SF you pussy. “Heritage Pork” what the fuck, my country ass gay as fuck cousins consider all y’all straight up pussies and could drink, fight, and fuck you and the folks your bitching under the table.

  9. JR Wirth says:

    I think we’re in a transition year. Alpha sis genders are coming up. Everyone will be clean shaven and look like Dolf Lundgren in Rocky IV. My time will come…patiently waiting. Go Trump!

  10. frank says:

    It’s all crab bucket effect. Lean people enjoying bicycling or roller-blading in the sunshine are “fags.” The rage the fat normies feel at a fit person on a bicycle on the road not even in their way is something to behold. Spend three hours a day learning how to program a computer and do math and you’re a “nerd.” Civil War re-enactment is not my personal scene but I can acknowledge it as legit. Those guys are all fountains of wisdom. They read a big fat book every week. But I’m sure the fat normies have nothing but scorn for them as some sort of dorks.

  11. frank says:

    I have to say the beard thing with undercut hair is totally over. That is actually worth mocking at this point. The fashion cycle has moved on. You need to shave and grow some metal hair if you want to be cool.

  12. Dave says:

    Whenever anyone writes about fashion all I see is afhishjfi shdfuefhjs iewjfjf uehufheusahrd ejfbeuhfecfuehusfh cufhdfd huehrdue – you know because I AM NOT A FAG.

  13. Duh says:

    I have nothing to add to the stupid article and equally stupid comments. It’s a tough call but the most retarded comment goes to “frank-It’s all crab bucket effect” but just barely. Congratulations moron. Rob you are going to give Pittsley a run for #1 idiot but at least you’re not fixated on private parts and bowel movements.

  14. token British poster says:

    Pretty fuuny that Americans still think beards and lumberjack shirts are cool. Buy a Champion sweatshirt and some Reebok classics, m8. Having any facial hair in 2016 is pleb tier. If you don’t look at least a bit like a 90s soccer hooligan, then you’ve missed the mark.

  15. Nature not Nurture says:

    Modern Western “boy-men” absorbed and consumed by fashion are a direct reflection of the loss of manhood in soft decadent pussyfied in the post modern. Disgraceful feminization like a flock of homosexual peacocks. Women are genetically programmed to attend to their appearance for reproductive purposes. We men are not birds where the males attract through displays of fabulous colorful feathers as well as song and even dance among some birds. We do woo with song and wine and roses (our substitute feathers?) but are not supposed to be narcissists perpetually gazing at our reflections. Man up and stop being beta boys as our women need men not preening boy-chicks.

  16. Fat Fuck Normie says:

    @frank

    People can do pretty much what they want, but you sneak some of my chips or grab a fry from my plate and I’m unleashing my own personal jihad on your fucking ass!

    #X-LargeAndDamnProud

  17. Scott Bell says:

    Dinty Moore beef stew is the best canned beef stew on the market. It isn’t even fucking close! I quit reading after this slander.

  18. raymi says:

    good ad concept in theory, and ha ha you got us there dinty moore. not every guy who wears plaid needs to cut down trees stupid fucks.

  19. OogaBooga says:

    Just fucked a hipstr and you’re still wearing his plaid shirt, eh?

  20. OogasMamasYarmulke says:

    “Upon a silly heeb I sit, waiting for my mouth to shit”

    Howdy, Morty!!

  21. I agree. I wear Under Armour from head to toe at the gym where I want everyone to think I am training for the Arnold Classic with my 30 min workout that is made up of 20 mins cardio and 7 mins on the pec deck and 3 mins of water breaks.

  22. definitelymaybe says:

    I came here for the Dinty Moore. I work an overnight shift, there’s not much artisinal pork places open at 4 am so it’s 2 minutes in the microwave & a well-balanced middle of the night snack. I love it. I really do. I like potted meat too. Spam=Yum. When I get home it’s Jim Beam & Busch Light. I’m living the working-man loser’s dream. I’m not ashamed to admit. I got a belly & can’t grow a beard & right now I’m listening to Jane’s Addiction so fuck all you hipsters, I’m kickin’ it 80’s style.

  23. 2001/2007 says:

    This is unbelievably dated.


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