The Onion made a video last month about legislation to hide U.S. porn under fake mountains of old camping equipment (and label it “Canada”) to escape the boos and hisses of future Americans.
Yes, you are the horse
The Onion made a video last month about legislation to hide U.S. porn under fake mountains of old camping equipment (and label it “Canada”) to escape the boos and hisses of future Americans. The video also suggests we refer to Usain Bolt as “a human of very average speed” and blame Street Carnage comments on a few racist robots.
What The Onion jokingly calls the Pornographic Media Concealment Act is basically a riff on the way humans have been desperately trying to sweep their dirt under the rug for thousands of years. This never works. From Caligula to the antipopes to shredded Enron documents to “stoops/totes” (sorry), a damnatio memoriae does nothing but make people look like a bunch of little fucking liars who suck at keeping secrets.
The kind of shit archeologists and historians dig up and figure out is sometimes pretty jaw-dropping –- not only because it’s super gay, but also because those sneaky bastards almost got away with it. Some artifacts/rituals were hidden VERY well: the sleep deprivation of the Mysteries of Eleusis (which makes A Million in the Morning seem like a gentle cat nap on a Sunday afternoon), the Warren Cup (a double-sided and meticulously crafted cup featuring some mighty intense boy-fucking), as well as dozens of churches in Greece and Italy (that used to be Pagan temples) were all the dirty secrets of one society, buried by another, then unearthed by some hyper-educated, malcontent dork.
Scholars were, and continue to be, vindictive little pricks who hate their present and widespread McCarthyism/Racism/Dumb President/Whatever Else, and want to run a demeaning smear campaign on their ancestors so they can feel good about playing parlor games instead of changing their situations. Imagine if one of the crap heads at TMZ could read Latin or Greek (or English, even) — you can imagine the kind of wanton character assassination they would love to get into: “Alexander the Great was a homo!” (probably true); “Julius Caesar got butt-fucked by some foreign king!” (fact); “Some actor got on stage wearing a giant dildo!” (they all did). That is what we do to them and, justly, that is what they will do to us.
Nobody will be safe. Drunk History, for example, has some dummy talking about George Washington being an overbearing and heartless slave-dealer. Thomas Jefferson is now regarded as a rapist who abandoned his bastard child. Even Benjamin Franklin was an anti-Semite. No matter the contribution to society, some dickweed from the future will hate his shitty hovercar and dumb astro-job and will want to take it out on YOU. Fuck that dude. He’s an alcoholic anyway and he forgets to feed his fucking dog all the time. So if he’s going to call Martin Luther King a womanizer and Nelson Mandela a terrorist, imagine what he’ll say about you.
So fuck it. Do you. There is virtually nothing you can do to please this asshole and he’s just going to call you a brain-dead, apathetic, war-loving, violence-craving lemming no matter what. When some archeologist from Belarus (I know, I know, the future is weird) who thinks he’s the shit out of Shaq’s ass gets embarrassed about the current world dictator, you and your lifestyle will be subject to vicious ridicule and academic hostility. The guy drives his rocketship to the Moon every night to fuck your great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter, and you can’t do shit about it because you’re dead (haha). By the way, he found that Incubus CD you tried hiding behind the drywall in your bedroom. You’re busted.
The only thing you can do to piss off this smug asswipe is to give him an anti-hero to study. We hate Romans and Medievals and Victorians because they were repressed dweebs who tried to damn their best moments. Shit, Titus Andronicus was almost lost during the latter period, but now we have “Scott Tenorman Must Die” (the best South Park episode to date) and a Civil War cover band to remember it by.
On the other hand, we not-so-secretly admire pig fuckers like Vikings, Gauls and the like. The people who fought against the fore-bearers of our language and law system are the real heroes, even if they were inbred Euro trash who showed up to battle in their jammie-jams with wicker shields (and frequently lost). There are cottage industries like Norwegian Death Metal that celebrate and profit off of a culture of aggression, rapine and plunder. That is way cooler than learning the Greek word for ghost. Trust me, I spent years trying.
Your future self and you have nothing in common. You don’t know his name, but he’s got your number. He thinks you’re trash and rues the day you were born. But as long as we don’t try to hide the Anne Coulters, Giulianis, John Stewarts, Bill fuck-face Mahers and Toni Morrisons, we can shriek above the volume of historical discrimination and say, “YOU CAME FROM US. DEAL.”
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