Posted by
Street Carnage
• 06.17.14 11:57 am

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First dates are about having fun, and farts are the most fun thing ever. They’re also an expression of trust. It’s the modern version of smoking a peace pipe. When you fart on a date, you and the girl have gone through an important—even religious—ceremony together. You’re bonded for life. Also, if you don’t fart on the first date, you’re a pussy.

But you can enhance the experience by making the farts even better—ie funnier. And I’ve had so much experience in this field, it’ll be like JFK giving advice about molesting 15-year-olds.

So let me get you up to speed.

Eat spinach and cheese beforehand

Being on a date without the need to fart is like not having a condom. No excuses. It’s your job to plan ahead. So combine spinach and cheese. The cheese makes it smell, and the spinach gives it velocity. Add some rancid meat into the mix for a kick. Don’t have any? Go to the local Mexican restaurant and ask them why their heads are so big as they’re making your burrito.

Crop dust

Let’s say you’re walking down the street. Tell her to stand still for a second. Take a few steps back, then walk by her as you’re farting. Get it? You’re crop dusting her. You have practiced farting a lot up until this point in your life, so you should know how to draw out a fart if need be.

Blame the farts on her

I also find it funny to blame your farts on her. Never give in, and defend yourself seriously. It’s too funny to watch her get defensive. This works really well on Asian chicks.

Do “the secret”

Tell the girl you need to tell her something serious. And that you hope it’s okay. And that it’s really important for you to tell her on a first date. It’s difficult for you to say, but it’s something you have to say anyway, damn the consequences. So she’s thinking: “What? Does this guy have an STD? A kid? A wife?” Nope. You’ve got a fart for her. You’ve probably got an STD too, but that’s for her to find out the hard way.

Apologize sarcastically

Another fun thing to do is apologize sarcastically when you fart: “Ohh I’m sooooo sorry—didn’t mean to do thaaaat. I feel sooooo embarrassed.” Oh man, this is great stuff. I can’t believe I’m giving it away for free.

Text her “pffft”

This can be done either during the date, or after the date is over and it’s your follow-up text. When done during the date, look at your phone and say, “oh sorry, I have a really important text I need to send somebody.” Then she gets a text in her phone. It’s from you; it’s your fart text. Game, set, match.

Conclusion

Guys are pussies and chicks are bored. Farting on the first date kills both these birds with one stone. Or bomb, in this case. I’m not saying farting on first dates is going to get you laid. I’m not even saying these jokes are going to work all the time, if at all. But if you don’t have a dash of this irreverent attitude with girls, then you’re eventually going to shoot up your school.

-MARK DERIAN


Comments
  1. Ed Cefala says:

    Oh what a rimshot you badass.

  2. TWalsh2 says:

    Not a word about wearing tight underwear? Come on, it’s common knowledge that farts are only funny if they don’t turn in to inadvertent shits. The chances of a spinach/cheese fart not turning in to an inadvertent shit are less than 50%. Tight underwear keeps it close and allows you a chance to take off and dispose of before coming back and trying to properly execute a shitless fart.

  3. Simon says:

    Just what was missing from all the other dating guides I’ve read.

  4. raymi says:

    Farting is awesome!


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