There is quite a stir going on in the chick community these days. Apparently, Bradley Cooper is considered the sexiest man in the world and
There is quite a stir going on in the chick community these days. Apparently, Bradley Cooper is considered the sexiest man in the world and Ryan Gosling is a mere second. A lot of my fellow vagina-owners are outraged and think Ryan should be number one. Wrong. Ryan is a baby and babies poo themselves. I want a man. I am over 25 and after that, we want to be taken. We’re no longer interested in snuggles.
Guys, in case you were wondering, this is how our tastes develop.
Little Kid: When we’re really young we know we are genetically predisposed to be attracted to male characteristics but the idea of a dick connected to a human man with muscles makes us want to puke with fear. So, we start out with baby steps. A horse has a lot of the male features we’re supposed to like but it doesn’t do anything because we’re the boss of it. This baby step lasts for about seven years then it gets switched off like a light and we never think of horses ever again.
How to pick them up: The best way to pick up little girls is to get like Zeus and become a horse. To achieve this you have to blow your head off while looking at a picture of a horse. Trust me pedophiles, it works.
Young Girl: When we’re finally ready to start making out we’re about 14. We will fuck you when we’re closer to 18 but we don’t really like it until early 20s. We’re probably not going to cum properly until then too. So, during the teen years we basically want other women. Dicks still freak us out but we want to try this romance thing everyone’s talking about so we’d rather use training wheels and make out with someone who looks like us. That’s why Glam metal got so many blow jobs in the 80s.
How to pick them up: If you’re a teenage boy and you want to get with teenage girls, dress like a fag. Put streaks in your hair and even throw some makeup on. It’s humiliating but it works so do it.
Young Adult: Late teens early 20s are the Gosling years. We are finally ready to fuck a man but we want him to look like a God. We will blow him and maybe even sit on his face but if he did anything gross like beat off while sniffing our ass, we’d be mortified.
How to pick them up: Become a gym rat. Tweak your eyebrows and moisturize your face. Be sensitive and wear expensive clothes. This is about the worst time to be a guy but suck it up bitch, or they won’t suck you off.
Post 25 Adult: I’m here now. We don’t want horses or drag queens or metrosexuals. We want men. We love how perverted they are and how just smelling our butts makes them harder than a rock. What a bunch of pigs. Delicious, strong, brave, confident, slightly wrinked, stubbly, pigs. When you’re my age, you’d way rather fuck Artie Lang than Ryan Gosling because you’re looking for someone who’s down for the long haul. If you got cervical cancer, Artie would sit by your bed til the very end. Ryan would be gone that afternoon. This is the man age and we’re no longer interested in guys who “look like they’ve been Photoshopped.”
How to pick us up: Don’t worry about anything but your job. Drink bourbon and wear cheap clothes (that fit – they still have to fit). All we ask now is that you’re ambitious. You don’t even have to be successful. Just get up every day at 9 and bust your ass. If you do, I’ll let you bust my ass.
PS: Shout out to my girl Jenée. You’re holding it down girl! See you at Outpost tonight.