Posted by
• 11.18.11 10:20 am

There is quite a stir going on in the chick community these days. Apparently, Bradley Cooper is considered the sexiest man in the world and

There is quite a stir going on in the chick community these days. Apparently, Bradley Cooper is considered the sexiest man in the world and Ryan Gosling is a mere second. A lot of my fellow vagina-owners are outraged and think Ryan should be number one. Wrong. Ryan is a baby and babies poo themselves. I want a man. I am over 25 and after that, we want to be taken. We’re no longer interested in snuggles.

Guys, in case you were wondering, this is how our tastes develop.

Little Kid: When we’re really young we know we are genetically predisposed to be attracted to male characteristics but the idea of a dick connected to a human man with muscles makes us want to puke with fear. So, we start out with baby steps. A horse has a lot of the male features we’re supposed to like but it doesn’t do anything because we’re the boss of it. This baby step lasts for about seven years then it gets switched off like a light and we never think of horses ever again.
How to pick them up: The best way to pick up little girls is to get like Zeus and become a horse. To achieve this you have to blow your head off while looking at a picture of a horse. Trust me pedophiles, it works.

Young Girl: When we’re finally ready to start making out we’re about 14. We will fuck you when we’re closer to 18 but we don’t really like it until early 20s. We’re probably not going to cum properly until then too. So, during the teen years we basically want other women. Dicks still freak us out but we want to try this romance thing everyone’s talking about so we’d rather use training wheels and make out with someone who looks like us. That’s why Glam metal got so many blow jobs in the 80s.
How to pick them up: If you’re a teenage boy and you want to get with teenage girls, dress like a fag. Put streaks in your hair and even throw some makeup on. It’s humiliating but it works so do it.

Young Adult: Late teens early 20s are the Gosling years. We are finally ready to fuck a man but we want him to look like a God. We will blow him and maybe even sit on his face but if he did anything gross like beat off while sniffing our ass, we’d be mortified.
How to pick them up: Become a gym rat. Tweak your eyebrows and moisturize your face. Be sensitive and wear expensive clothes. This is about the worst time to be a guy but suck it up bitch, or they won’t suck you off.

Post 25 Adult: I’m here now. We don’t want horses or drag queens or metrosexuals. We want men. We love how perverted they are and how just smelling our butts makes them harder than a rock. What a bunch of pigs. Delicious, strong, brave, confident, slightly wrinked, stubbly, pigs. When you’re my age, you’d way rather fuck Artie Lang than Ryan Gosling because you’re looking for someone who’s down for the long haul. If you got cervical cancer, Artie would sit by your bed til the very end. Ryan would be gone that afternoon. This is the man age and we’re no longer interested in guys who “look like they’ve been Photoshopped.”
How to pick us up: Don’t worry about anything but your job. Drink bourbon and wear cheap clothes (that fit – they still have to fit). All we ask now is that you’re ambitious. You don’t even have to be successful. Just get up every day at 9 and bust your ass. If you do, I’ll let you bust my ass.


PS: Shout out to my girl Jenée. You’re holding it down girl! See you at Outpost tonight.

  1. ChimChim says:

    Great, now I’m all horny and messed up at work.

  2. Anonymous says:

    wait…you mean the outpost LOUNGE in clinton hill? Are you lesbians?

  3. nacirema says:

    I’m here.

  4. Goat My Sampson says:

    Hey Kayla… I’m starting my own company and I’ll beat the shit out of you while we fuck. Whats up?

  5. onyx blackman says:

    arent you supposed to wear cheap clothes when youre young and more expensive clothes as you get older?
    i seriously doubt youd want to fuck a 34yr old that wears kirkland brand jeans and
    one of those puffy leather jackets with an 8ball on the back.

  6. Kayla is Gavin says:

    Gavin is obsessed with this “sniffing a girl’s butt to get hard” thing. Does anyone really do this?

  7. aesk47 says:

    Well, if the puffy 8ball jacket fits she said she’d fuck its owner. This is like Missbehave 2.0. And, by the way, i’ve worked 6 days this week, got up at 8 this morning, ran 40 minutes and i’m hairy so hop on that Greyhound bus and come fuck my brains out, now!

  8. chester says:

    according to a kitchen knife, artie is not in anything for the long haul.

  9. Arv says:

    @Kayla is Gavin: Yes.

  10. Wooderson says:

    To sum this up, if you’re a 25 year old male who has a job you are good to go.

    I’ve been trying to figure out how to sniff more bums, this is perfect.

  11. Anonymous says:

    based on this i should be swimming in pussy, what the fuck

    i want to sniff every asshole!!!!!

  12. Sniffy says:

    Kayla sounds like the perfect woman who likes to get sniffed. When can we meet girl???

  13. This nonsense needs to stop says:

    Sniffy, just show up to one of Gavin’s next public appearances, you’ll meet Kayla and most likely Jenee at the same time.

  14. B says:

    Gavin, quit posing as bitches-it’s unhealthy. Plus, it’s getting tired-Ben pretending to be a negro, you pretending to be a chick…Why don’t you hire a black broad to write as an aging hipster?

  15. Bron says:

    Add an “in” before the last “ass” at the end of the piece and I’m down.

  16. vegan jules says:

    Can we get a girl to verify that this is a girl.

  17. Krys says:

    Where in the world do ass-busters get up at 9?

  18. Krys says:

    You’re like a girl. Go away. Fuck you.

  19. Chris Duncan says:

    This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read on how to get chicks

  20. imyar says:

    All true stuff. But man men need to do sit-ups still I think. Maybe a few.

  21. wyatt says:

    this was retarded. gym rat? tweezed eyebrows? get the fuck outta here with that shit. here’s the plan: you want pussy? be a man. all day every day and dont give a fuck what girls think about it and they’ll flock to you like flies on the shitty asshole Gavin is sniffing while he jerks off and writes with the pseudonym “Kayla”

    the end.

  22. Anonymous says:

    “Gavin, quit posing as bitches-it’s unhealthy. Plus, it’s getting tired-Ben pretending to be a negro, you pretending to be a chick…Why don’t you hire a black broad to write as an aging hipster?”

    funniest thing i’ve read here in a while. good idea too!

  23. Anonymous says:

    gavin, take your own advice. be a man and write under your own name

  24. mr.meat says:

    do one as a perverted japanese business man in a porn vid
    – milking, a little kos play, loads of clear slime goop, boob fondling, rape, tiny vibrators, bukkake, etcetera etcetera. except thats probably it.

  25. kremlins 2 says:

    Wheres Barfin Arfin?

  26. fachoto says:

    forgot to mention that you are never quite sure about any of this and that you will give any man(child) in your life shit for not knowing either. failure to not comprehend what you yourself cannot will always end in fights/break-up. then, years later, you drunkenly cry for having let the good ones get away.

  27. oh brother... says:

    The whole “little girls want horses” thing is a way old Gavin topic too.

    I know I get this site for free so I have no say, but can you guys seriously please stop whatever the fuck is going on right now? Are you trying to kill off the site so you can do more ads? I don’t get this at all.

  28. Steve says:

    Even a well-washed pussy smells a lot like butt stank.

  29. pickles says:

    He then left to go back to the Visitor’s Center but ran into a nice surprise on the way. It was a juvenile T-Rex…only it wasn’t. Like many of the other dinosaurs in the park, this one had spontaneously changed sex from male to female, a real life Trannysaurus Rex. She had on some hot red lipstick, 4 inch heels, and big gold hoop earings. This time instead of hearing a “ROOAAARRRRR” Muldoon heard her go ” Reeoooarrww!” He could tell that she was into him, so he took her by her tiny forelimb and led her off behind the maintenance shed at the other end of the compound for a quickie.

  30. bilbo tbaggins says:

    girls are retarded and predictable all you have to do is a be an endearing asshole and the ham wallets start to grease

  31. stanky stanky says:

    Wait, let’s focus our attention more on this interesting little tidbit: Gavin likes sniffing chicks’ asses?? Does this mean he’s got a fetish where he gets turned on by the smell of shit?

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