Posted by
Street Carnage
• 04.25.16 03:00 pm


Is there anyone who wouldn’t jump at the chance to beat Fred Armisen to death with a couple of their buds? There’s just something about the smug prick that fills me with hate every time I see him. Kicking and punching his face till it looked even more hideous and deformed than it already does sounds like a great way to spend a Friday night with a few pals. For some reason, the writers over at New Girl don’t agree.

I want to make it very clear that I’m not a fan or regular viewer of the show. My girlfriend (and roommate) is however and has been watching reruns of it like crazy the past few weeks. As a result, I’ve caught bits and pieces. From what I’ve seen, Armisen doesn’t play a regular character on the show. I think he’s a zany neighbor or something and only appears from time to time, but when he does he’s as insufferable and Fred Armiseny as possible. Thankfully, the writers and I think Armisen himself understand what an annoying human being he is and have made all the guys on the show hate his guts. But once they were given an opportunity to beat the ever-living shit out of him, they just said “Eh, no thanks.”

I understand it’s national television and they can’t really show someone getting beaten to death, especially when it’s a man wearing a dress. Throwing a few punches and kicking some asshole out of the house should be permissible, though. That’s what a guy should do when someone breaks into his female roommate’s room and starts trying on all her dresses. But the fucking pussies on New Girl don’t do shit. They actually help him choose what to wear after finding him. They are bummed to do it but that doesn’t make it any better. If I came home to Fred Armisen trying on dresses in my apartment, my eyes would light up as I smashed his skull to smithereens with a Louisville slugger.

I know New Girl is a show for chicks and women aren’t too keen on extreme violence but maybe they could expand their viewership, if they included a little physical comedy. I know I’d tune in, if every episode ended with Fred Armisen falling out of a fucking window or getting hitting by a dump truck.


  1. Gavin says:

    I think he’s one of the best guys I’ve ever met. He’s really funny and selfless and works his ass off. He’s way more interested in making music and funny sketches etc than he is being famous or any of the other gross stuff everyone else does it for. You got this guy all wrong.

  2. Bruce says:

    I will agree he does a serious whine, but he seems like a genuinely decent person. I think Portlandia takes the shit out of the modern day white hipster quite well. And he is probably the only current celeb that knows anything about the 80’s NYC punk band Kraut. That is worth something I think…

  3. Sean says:

    lol isn’t he the one they tried to take down for having too much sex?

    just checked and he is:

  4. This is still hilarious and adorable. “We put money in it…” I walked around saying “Acapulco” for a week

  5. frank says:

    I loved him in Bio-Dome.

  6. Dad Religion says:

    Nah brah. Gav’s right. Dude works his ass off. Portlandia, The Prince Show, his recurring gag on Seth Meyers where he ad libs, “yazz flute,” all gold. He was even married to a Mekon . . . dude’s got cred. I think it’s New Girl that sucks, not him.

  7. Alec Leamas says:

    Be it hereby resolved – Crotti can beat Armisen, but only half to death.

    And they say the art of compromise is dead.

  8. definitelymaybe says:

    He’s nice to puppies.

  9. Otherkin says:

    It’s the boldness of his proposal that I’m most impressed by.

    Guy’s bretty gud, Portlandia is a bit subversive at times.

  10. TomSawyer says:

    I found him insufferable on SNL, but Portlandia put him in a new light.

  11. Why are we ignoring a possible Jewish issue here? Can someone not say something about it? The suspense is killing tha Farookster.

  12. Woody Allen Wrench says:

    Fakook, don’t sweat it.

    Rest assured the resident expert on all matters Semitic will address any possible subversive cabalistic treachery that the untrained eye would overlook. From his slew of posts above he has no pork with this Yid. Still it’s good for all of us to remember that when it comes to kikes and Hollywood there is always the possibility of cultural Marxist propaganda that we unwittingly absorb like matzo balls.

  13. MildMessiah says:

    Watch a season of Portlandia and his exposure of left wing tree hugger bullshit. Did not like him before, but Portlandia alone makes him a hero of the Right.

  14. “Mark Crotti”

    Gavin, exactly how badly do you wanna fuck Fred?

  15. OogaBooga says:

    What the fuck? This guy is a comic genius, and Portlandia mocks feminists and other SJWs in ways no one else can get away with. And what about his deaf racist comedian on SNL? But the fact that he works his ass off is not germane. Jay Leno worked his ass off, and all of humanity suffered.

  16. Samantha says:

    Armisen is genius! Watch portlandia. I love him and will continue to until I see him in a (serious) ad for the abortion industry etc. I’m sure the show you’re talking about sucks, (I’m just a housewife so I’m not permitted to have cable..but I sneak netflix on my phone between making babies and microwaving dinner). Try portlandia.

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