Posted by
• 06.30.09 10:00 am

Would this work as an Open Mic? Let me know. – Olek

Would this work as an Open Mic? Let me know.

With all the recent celebrity deaths, we’ve forgotten what’s really important to America: politicians getting some extra-marital strange. I’m referencing, of course, the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford. You may know him as the “Love Guv,” a potential Republican candidate for President in 2012, or that guy that talked about turning down billions in federal stimulus before taking it. (Whatever, he turned down a couple million, but he accepted most of it.) If you’re not aware of the story, the man takes off for Argentina without telling his wife or his chief of staff for a week to fuck some Argentinian chick. He spent father’s day spooning his mistress in another hemisphere while his family sat beside the phone all day praying they don’t get a phone call that they found his flayed corpse dangling by one leg from a tree outside a shack owned by a gay, inbred, hick psychopath.

At this point you have to step back and ask a few important questions: How can this happen? Do you know anyone that can leave his job, his family and his country for a week without saying word one, continue an affair, come back and have no one question it? No of course you don’t. You don’t know God. Now he has to deal with the repercussions of having an affair while being an American politician. Usually, I would agree with everyone else that we’re a bunch of uptight, prudish pilgrim spawn and we should just hold our noses and eat out our girlfriends and shut the fuck up, but this is no ordinary covert fellating, no sir, this is as flagrant as it gets. The man wanted to get caught. Either that or his ego is so fucking huge that he needs to carry it around in a wheelbarrow.

There was a recent poll done and a majority of South Carolinians, 55%, think that their governor is about as ethical as most other politicians. There’s this idea that politicians are unethical sleaze bags that I don’t disagree with, but I do want to put it in perspective. We’re all shitty, shitty people. Most of us don’t go that big when we dick over our families and jobs, but hey, this kind of thing happens every day. Your boss’s hobby is prostitutes, your mailman can’t get off without smelling excrement and your uncle adopts Asian children, raises them in his basement and forces them to perform pantomime while he urinates into his own mouth. Well, to get back on topic, Gov. Sanford is a jackass. I can understand wanting to cheat on your aging, no longer attractive wife. It’s a fact that you can’t be attracted to the same person for more than four years unless you were born feet first and your head got trapped inside your mother’s birth canal and a little bit of your brain died. Look it up. So fine, cheat. That’s understandable, but at least have the decency to lie to your goddamn kids. Don’t have them show up in your bedroom father’s day morning with one of those little fold out trays full of irregular pancakes and undercooked eggs with way too much shell fragment in them just to see their mother weeping into her pillow.

Should people vote out politicians because they cheat? What about for being a shitty dad? Does the American voter allow their own personal inadequacies and hang ups effect their judgment to an unacceptable extent? Would we be better off if the entirety of South Carolina sank into the sea? No; yes; of course; and we wouldn’t lose much more than some square footage and a good portion of our daytime talk show guests.

Dear Olek,

That would totally work, but it would end up being irrelevant by Friday so… surprise!


  1. Wack-boy says:

    Can you people hire Olek to edit this site?

  2. SHITCOCK says:

    Olek is more informed than most people but still didn’t collect all the information. Actually Sanford’s wife knew about the affair for a while before this whole incident. They had been separated for a while at the time of the incident, and Sanford had been instructed not to call the house during this separation. So Sanford’s wife probably had a good idea where he was but didn’t know for sure.

    The big deal is Sanford took off without telling his staff where he was going or putting anyone else in charge. He had also scheduled his trip for 10 days (instead of the 5 or 6 he was actually gone.)

    It’s well known and obvious that the more tightly wound someone is the bigger the breakdown is when they finally flip out. That’s why you get Larry Craig trying to suck off strangers in an airport bathroom and Sanford flying off to Argentina unannounced. By the way the whole thing was not motivated by his wife being old, the woman in Argentina was old and had a bunch of kids also . It’s just motivated by the fact that “new” is what turns most people’s cranks.

  3. sucka free says:

    heckuva good reed–nice work olek

  4. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or something says:

    I like how Cal Thomas had to take about how difficult marriage is in the editorials today. I can’t believe that asshole got paid to write that.

  5. agentmule says:

    Olek, did anyone score bigger than Mark Sanford with the timeliness MJ’s death? Dude is probably still tangoing to Beat It.

  6. Dork says:

    Other than the fact that all of Olek’s basic premises were incorrect, this was a pretty enjoyable rant.

  7. fuck says:

    How the shit do you know about my mailman’s scat fetish, Olek?

  8. Hot Birds says:

    This article is great, and I agree with Wack-boy.

  9. anti-lamez says:

    good show old boy!

  10. Olek says:

    Wack-boy, I totally agree with you. SHITCOCK, didn’t realize his wife knew where he might be and I didn’t say he cheated because the new woman was younger, I agree with the “new” factor. Dork, how are my basic premises incorrect? agentmule, no, no one benefited more from MJs death other than his future molestation victims. Thanks for all the posts.

  11. City Council says:

    Is this really the type of bullshit you guys will publish?? He basically did an X-rated Daily Show rant (half of it stolen from that EXACT source). I know you clowns are hard up for material, but c’mon.

  12. pheebe says:

    In SC, the governor has like, zero executive power. They set it up that way on purpose during segregation-times so that a black guy couldn’t change everything if he somehow won the governorship.

    In a way, Sanford leaving for a week without telling anyone was more like the queen of England sneaking out than it was like the President of the USA doing the same thing.

    He’s still an ass, though.

  13. Turbo says:

    “how are my basic premises incorrect? ”

    How about the part where you imply duplicity or wavering on his part for opposing the stimulus money then “taking it”? Even the link you provided states he was forced by law to take it.

  14. Sal says:

    But when he runs on the political platform of Republic morality, it shows he’s a big fucking dishonest hippocrite who will say whatever to get elected.

    “I’m all for campaign finance reform, lowering taxes and family values. I’ll work on that right after my mistress finishes sucking my dick.”

  15. Turbo says:

    Even Sanford is admitting he’s been a hypocrite or, if he were a hippopotamus, a “hippocrite.” No one’s arguing with that, so it’s not the most original premise.

    But all the “inbred hick” shit coupled with what appears to be an intentional attempt to make him appear dishonest regarding the stimulus bill shows your cultural biases and that you might be trying to unfairly stack your argumentative deck.

    John Edwards is from North Carolina. Did you trot out the inbred-hick jokes when he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife, or is he immune because he’s a Democrat? Bill Clinton’s from Arkansas. Same question.

  16. FaceKick says:

    Did you trot out the inbred hick jokes when it was revealed that Georgian Newt Gingrich (and probable 2012 Republican Presidential Candidate) took breaks from impeaching Clinton to boink his mistress?,2933,258001,00.html

  17. Turbo says:

    No. I never use inbred hick jokes, because they’re like nigger jokes. And I identify with hicks and niggers.

    You’re not proving anything. Repubs and Dems get caught in infidelity scandals all the time. Repubs may make a bigger deal out of “family values,” but Dems take marriage vows, too. They’re all hypocrites. Those who only pounce on Republicans for this sort of thing are hypocrites, too.

    As I see it, here are Sanford’s biggest blunders:

    1) While a sitting governor, he disappeared for the better part of a week. There’s a screw loose somewhere.

    2) Instead of merely confessing, he had to go on and on about how it was “true love” between him and the Argentine woman. Then, as if that wasn’t hurtful enough toward his family, he revealed he fucked around with other women. What a dick!

  18. Olek says:

    Turbo, Sanford never had the power to turn down those funds, he knew that, his staff knew that. It was all a show to put him on the national stage, get some press for a potential 2012 run. I think he knew he didn’t have much of a chance to reject the stimulus funds and it was a pretty smart political move to try. I feel it’s also dishonest. Plus, I hope it is clear that I don’t agree with this man’s politics and I will hit him with a few low blows if I feel like it. If you disagree, write a rant of your own illustrating clearly how he doesn’t come from a long line of cousin-fuckers.

  19. Turbo says:

    Also…South Carolina is 30% black, and we know that all black people, everywhere on Earth, are more intelligent and cultured and innately moral than all white people.

    In fact, the entire South is much blacker than the rest of the country.

    So does your South-Carolina-sinking-into-the-sea proposal include an evacuation plan for the state’s black population?

  20. Turbo says:

    Since you want to bring up the overused and boring old white-trash incest stereotype as if you’re being original and cutting-edge, it appears that there hasn’t been too much research on incest as it pertains to ethnicity. But at least this book suggests that a larger quotient of blacks report being traumatized by incest than whites:

    So either more blacks are diddling their children, or at least the victims cry louder about it.

    Keep harping on the white-trash-incest trope. But I dare you to support it with any evidence that it’s more prevalent among poor whites than it is among blacks. From the link I provided, it seems that Hispanics are at the front of the pack.

  21. Turbo says:

    Well, lookee hyah!

    “No studies have shown that the incidence of incest differs by race or class, and data on ethnicity is inconclusive.”

    So you come from as long a line of cousin-fuckers as anyone else. isn’t equality great?

  22. Olek says:

    Woah. What the hell man? I didn’t say word one about incest being more likely among any racial group. This isn’t a post about incest. Or race. You seem to have a preoccupation with the subject and I’m not going to try to dig into the reasons behind it. I wish you luck in all your future endeavors.

  23. Turbo says:

    Hey, Mr. Eugenics, you’re the one who alluded to the deleterious effects of inbreeding, and you confined it to Southern whites. Simply because you’re wrong and unoriginal is no reason to take it out on me.

  24. Big Muff says:

    There’s a podcast on Taki’s Mag (another site Gavin writes for) about Sanford that’s worth a listen.

  25. jungle farts says:

    you guys just don’t get it. idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    any amount of egg shell is unacceptable.

  26. Turbo says:

    “Sanford never had the power to turn down those funds, he knew that, his staff knew that. It was all a show to put him on the national stage, get some press for a potential 2012 run.”

    And you know this…how?

  27. bikram singh says:

    respected sir ,

  28. bikram singh says:

    respected sir ,
    my name is bikram singh , address 25 nila bhavan 108 kn rd chinch bunder mumbai n400009/- my number is 9699526024 9029681551 8108255138 sir ji i m write u this because there is a school in kharari village in mathura dist , this can not continue due his fanancial position , school is up to 5th standard the poor boy r not able to pay there fees of 50/- so can u help n can be god for the child ,

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