Would this work as an Open Mic? Let me know. – Olek
Would this work as an Open Mic? Let me know.
With all the recent celebrity deaths, we’ve forgotten what’s really important to America: politicians getting some extra-marital strange. I’m referencing, of course, the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford. You may know him as the “Love Guv,” a potential Republican candidate for President in 2012, or that guy that talked about turning down billions in federal stimulus before taking it. (Whatever, he turned down a couple million, but he accepted most of it.) If you’re not aware of the story, the man takes off for Argentina without telling his wife or his chief of staff for a week to fuck some Argentinian chick. He spent father’s day spooning his mistress in another hemisphere while his family sat beside the phone all day praying they don’t get a phone call that they found his flayed corpse dangling by one leg from a tree outside a shack owned by a gay, inbred, hick psychopath.
At this point you have to step back and ask a few important questions: How can this happen? Do you know anyone that can leave his job, his family and his country for a week without saying word one, continue an affair, come back and have no one question it? No of course you don’t. You don’t know God. Now he has to deal with the repercussions of having an affair while being an American politician. Usually, I would agree with everyone else that we’re a bunch of uptight, prudish pilgrim spawn and we should just hold our noses and eat out our girlfriends and shut the fuck up, but this is no ordinary covert fellating, no sir, this is as flagrant as it gets. The man wanted to get caught. Either that or his ego is so fucking huge that he needs to carry it around in a wheelbarrow.
There was a recent poll done and a majority of South Carolinians, 55%, think that their governor is about as ethical as most other politicians. There’s this idea that politicians are unethical sleaze bags that I don’t disagree with, but I do want to put it in perspective. We’re all shitty, shitty people. Most of us don’t go that big when we dick over our families and jobs, but hey, this kind of thing happens every day. Your boss’s hobby is prostitutes, your mailman can’t get off without smelling excrement and your uncle adopts Asian children, raises them in his basement and forces them to perform pantomime while he urinates into his own mouth. Well, to get back on topic, Gov. Sanford is a jackass. I can understand wanting to cheat on your aging, no longer attractive wife. It’s a fact that you can’t be attracted to the same person for more than four years unless you were born feet first and your head got trapped inside your mother’s birth canal and a little bit of your brain died. Look it up. So fine, cheat. That’s understandable, but at least have the decency to lie to your goddamn kids. Don’t have them show up in your bedroom father’s day morning with one of those little fold out trays full of irregular pancakes and undercooked eggs with way too much shell fragment in them just to see their mother weeping into her pillow.
Should people vote out politicians because they cheat? What about for being a shitty dad? Does the American voter allow their own personal inadequacies and hang ups effect their judgment to an unacceptable extent? Would we be better off if the entirety of South Carolina sank into the sea? No; yes; of course; and we wouldn’t lose much more than some square footage and a good portion of our daytime talk show guests.
That would totally work, but it would end up being irrelevant by Friday so… surprise!