Posted by
Gavin
• 08.28.14 08:18 am

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I hate getting a massage from a friend or loved one. It always sucks. And getting one from a co-worker can be downright creepy. That’s why it’s illegal. No matter how hard an un-professional tries, they never know what they’re doing. They either grab and squeeze your shoulders or try to make circles on your back with their thumbs. You eventually try to give them instructions on exactly how you want it to be done, but in the end you’re left unsatisfied and craving one from a professional.

Going to see a masseuse or chiropractor might seem expensive, but it’s well worth the price. Sure, it’s a little uncomfortable being naked and alone in a room with a stranger who’s rubbing down your entire body. But you’ll feel like a million bucks afterwards. There is no better feeling than leaving a professional massage loose and limber, ready to take the day by storm. But if you’re going to spend the money and time to get it done, you better make sure it’s done by a man.

For some reason a lot of men tend to think being touched by another man is gay. And getting worked over by a male masseuse is usually considered to be legal rape. I can understand how a muscular, blonde, nordic gentleman with an accent running his big strong hands all over your body could be misconstrued as being gay. But who else would you want to get a massage from, a woman? Only a pussy-ass-faggot would want a woman to give him a massage.

Getting a massage from a woman might sound nice in theory, but women suck at giving them. Their hands are too dainty and they tend to focus more on comfort than putting some real elbow grease into a good rub-down. A professional massage isn’t supposed to feel like baby angels covering your body in a blanket of kisses. The point is to work out any kinks or knots in your muscles and tendons so you feel rejuvenated afterwards. Getting a massage from a woman doesn’t do that. They gently rub your back and muscles, which feels great at the time, but you leave in the same condition as you were before going in. If you’re going to spend some of your well-earned money on a legitimate massage, you should want someone who can wrap you up into a pretzel and realign your back to do it. Women can’t do that.

The only reason I could see why you would want to go to a female masseuse is if they specialized in the happy ending variety. But do you really want to get a rub and tug from a Chinese immigrant? They can barely speak English and they think fish head soup is food. I can’t imagine what their idea of a good hand-job could be. And even still, it’s a fucking hand-job. Those things are for highschoolers. Why would you pay a boat-load of cash for an oriental woman to do something you could do a million times better?

Only a man’s hands can provide the comforting strength to perform a proper massage. That’s what’s so puzzling about these fruit-cakes who don’t want to feel a man’s touch. Can’t they see how much better a man’s big strong hands are at giving a massage than a woman’s? There is no better feeling than having another man’s strong, yet gentle hands rubbing every inch of your body. Laying face down on a table while a big hulking man-of-a-man runs his oiled up hands over every nook and cranny of your body is like heaven on earth. You’d have to be a fucking ferry to not realize that.

If you’re going to pay to get a massage then you should get it done right. And a strapping young man is the perfect person to do it. If you’re able to find one who’s well-endowed, then all the better. Having a huge schlong gives men a lot of confidence and that’s something you should want in your masseuse: confidence. If he isn’t confident then he’s probably going to do a shitty job. There is nothing worse than getting touched by a timid man.

If you’re going to get a massage from a man you should want him to be able to take control and have his way with your body. It might be a little uncomfortable at first but these guys are professionals, and they know what they’re doing. Men need to stop denying themselves the pleasure of a good massage. Doing so makes you seem like a deranged homo and that’s the last thing you should want.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. ??? says:

    Fag.

  2. what's happened to you mate says:

    You’d have to be a fucking “F-A-I-R-Y” to not realize that. What’s happened to you mate?

  3. spotes says:

    I’ve often used a line about being a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.
    That line was checkers. This article is 3D chess.
    I haven’t seen this much internal conflict since the last time I watched the Italian Parliament in action.
    What I really need is an article about how it’s possible to stay awake more than two minutes after the massage starts.
    Now that would be an eye opener…

    My apologies.

  4. raymi says:

    I have being touched problems too. Unrelaxing!

  5. thepulloutking says:

    MMmkay, no thanks, man-hands.

  6. Delzars says:

    You clearly have never had a Thai massage (the non happy ending type). I’ve had over 100 Thai massages and they can be as brutal as you want. I’ve had 65 year old, 80 lb Thai ladies exert so much pressure on my back or shoulders or thighs that I thought my bones would snap in half. It’s true you need a licensed massage therapist that who knows what they are doing. But I’ve had every type of legitimate, non-sexual massage there is. Without a doubt, the top 5 were delivered by small, light women ranging in age from 45-65. You should try it and then write a follow-up article.


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