Posted by
SBTVC
• 05.31.11 09:00 am


1. THE PHANTOM CAKE One the most delightful yet rare shits of them all.

1. THE PHANTOM
One the most delightful yet rare shits of them all. Like a Copperfield trick, it vanishes down the toilet and leaves no trace what so ever — not even on the paper when you try to wipe. MAGIC.

2. THE JET STREAM
Your bowels need to be emptied like they’ve been vacuuming a pool. Why? I don’t know, but this is one of the nastiest, most uncomfortable shits since you’re basically pissing out your ass.

3. THE HELICOPTER
This is one of those situations when the only available toilet is clogged and you have to make the decision of either shitting there or shitting in your pants. Since there isn’t even a little bit of paper to cover the seat (of course, ’cause what kind of place lets their only stay clogged BUT is courteous enough to make sure you have enough toilet paper), you have to use all your strength to hold yourself up on your legs as you hover-squat over the bowl while emptying your insides, trying to minimize the gross bounce-back, but then after a couple of minutes your legs start to shiver like a baby deer and you’re giving it everything you have to finish the deal just to get the hell out of there. Fuck! That was better exercise than running a fucking marathon.

5. THE QUICKIE
This is what happens when you try to rush a shit. HUGE MISTAKE. Never rush a shit. You’ll get anus rash from all that forceful pushing and shoddy wiping.

6. THE HANGOVER
This, the most diverse shit, begins as a hard turd. You think everything’s going okay, but then all of the sudden it changes into pulp — then into water! Then wet farts filled with corn, bar peanuts and burrito sauce from last night. At the end, your asshole is just in agony, screaming “I don’t even know who my friends are anymore!”

7. THE SHY POOP
Whenever you travel, for some reason your shit gets scared. The best way to deal with this is to make it feel at home: Grab a Big Mac and you’ll be shittin’ in no time.

8. THE “OH SHIT”
Just a fart with a warm feeling coming out of your ass…. Wait. What? Yeah, you just shat your pants.

9. THE TELL-TALE SHIT
This one might come in different forms: little shit crumbs floating in the toilet or that classic smear on the bottom of the toilet bowl. Either way, everyone will know that you just took a shit. And yes, they will be able to smell you for the rest of the night.

10. THE NAG
Like an annoying ex, this is the poop that doesn’t leave you alone. Just when you think you’re finished, you start feeling some left over turds stirring, so you have to stay sitting and do the whole thing all over again — No! We’ve gone through this before! We’re just not good for each other, alright?! Jesus, this is some really exhausting shit.

-LEON VILLALOBOS

Send “Dear Street Carnage” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com.


Comments
  1. (not published or required) says:

    Dying is like signing out of facebook.

  2. Um, Ew! says:

    TD/DR: Too Disgusting/Didn’t Read

    Fearless, essential reportage tho, no doubt. I’m sure I’m impoverishing myself by sprinting away from the challenge.

  3. totally says:

    Men’s Health says you don’t poo when you travel cause you don’t drink enough water and you’re often in really dry environments. Drink more water, you’ll feel better and you’ll poo.

  4. Zippy says:

    These “the many faces of crap” essays are like those MLK Day “I have a dream” interpretations. Done to death.

  5. richie goldbaum says:

    I saw this on a poster when I was ten years old. Likely you did too.

  6. flapjack says:

    Aye Richie, in 1988 people passed around a tattered photocopy of this like a foretelling of the internets.

  7. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    Are those inflatable turds left over from some Pink Floyd conceptual tour?

  8. Joe Queer says:

    Hey, I love College Humor!

  9. starchie clunker says:

    This internet article was done 11years ago. Nice try though.

  10. blaahus poopus says:

    good refresher course. just had a phantom the other day.

  11. Brock says:

    It’s wipe not whip you moron.

  12. ugh says:

    An email fwd from my dad in 1998 complete with typos? Well done, Chaps!

  13. sho nuff says:

    you officially gave up.

  14. Allen Iverson says:

    Oh, do an ironic article about hipsters next!

  15. The people says:

    @alleniverson
    wtf did you know about anything black cunt

  16. luvedovee says:

    My best most avant guard shit ever came out one solid perfect spiral of a log, close to a foot long. Oct. 9 1995. 14 lil poo balls in a 14 poo ball pile, sprinkled with magical poo dust was my greatest masterpiece. Recycling old Richard Pryor bits for your blog eh.

  17. aah says:

    i read this on a t-shirt in spencers when i was 13. that was 11 years ago. did someone just clean out their closet or what?

  18. marlon 62 says:

    I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO NUMBER4! WHY IS IT MISSING? IS THIS SOME KIND OF CONSPIRACY PERPETRATED BY THE BILDERBURGS AND THE TRI-LATERAL COMMISION? I’M ON TO YOUR GAME!


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