Posted by
SBTVC
• 03.12.09 09:09 am


Last night my girlfriend and I were bored after playing pool and eating vegetarian pork pies (these things are awesome) so I suggested we go to the cinema, it didn’t matter what was on, as long as we snuck cider in just fine.

Last night my girlfriend and I were bored after playing pool and eating vegetarian pork pies (these things are awesome) so I suggested we go to the cinema, it didn’t matter what was on, as long as we snuck cider in just fine.

Of course we managed that because we went to the VUE in Harrow where the employees are either autistic or don’t give a single shit. The popcorn we got was mixed and large, just like my first girlfriend, but unlike her it was delicious and by the end I was sad it was gone.

Anyway the film that was on first was The International which I thought would be some kind of retarded action movie because the trailer had gun fights and quick cuts just like all those stupid MTV shows. WRONG. It was just retarded and Clive Owen acts like a pussy version of James Bond who shuffles paper for the civil service instead of having sex with hot spies.

It starts with some fat guy being murdered who is Clive Owen’s accomplice. It really fucks me off when characters start smoking really early on in the film because you know you’re not going to have a cigarette for at least an hour and fifteen minutes. This particular piece of shit was at least seven hours long. Is it wrong to need nicotine patches and gum just to watch a fucking film?

Oh yeah, Naomi Watts is in it too, she flutters about like a blonde big nothing and gives an awful speech about THE TRUTH and JUSTICE which was exactly like Sideshow Bob giving his “Bah! I derive your truth handling abilities!” speech in the end of that Simpsons where he becomes mayor.

Anyway it turns out there’s this bank and it works with mobsters and dodgy middle eastern countries (no surprise there – how come it’s never tamil tigers and stuff?) and it lasted a million billion minutes.

There was only one real gun fight in the whole film which strangely features Clive pushing his thumb the whole way through a persons chest like some kind of boring middle class suburban civil servant Bruce Lee. Some other prominent people get murdered and stuff but I can’t really remember the whole thing because it sucked so hard.

Weirdly there were a bunch of, I guess unintentional, nods to Laurel and Hardy and Scoobie fucking Doo. One chase scene was exactly out of Scoobie Doo, with a wide angle shot of one character chasing the other, and then turning around and running the other way. And at any moment I kept expecting the fat character to say “Whyyyy youuuuu!” when anything went wrong.

To summise it’s a stupid piece of shit and if you’re going to waste your money on it you’d better have enough strongbows with you to not care so much, or go see Hotel for Dogs instead like I wish I had.

Sincerely,
Tamlin Magee

Dear Tamlin
Your name sounds like the politically correct name for that drink The Irish Car Bomb.
Sincerely,
SBTVC


Comments
  1. weak says:

    i stopped reading after “vegetarian pork pies” grow some balls and eat real pork pies.

  2. Sideshow bob says:

    DERIDE your truth handling abilities.

  3. pubert says:

    So you had some vegetarian pork pies and then you went to “the cinema”? You are a fag.

  4. maurice del taco says:

    SUMMIZE

  5. sacha says:

    i thought it was a good article. thank you.

  6. fruit says:

    best response ever from sbtvc.

  7. Wally Shuckles says:

    i like turtles

  8. too long says:

    try sumarizing in one short paragraph next time.

  9. just a cunt hair away says:

    i hate:
    -your name
    -you eat vegetarian pork pies
    -you drink cider
    -you go to the “cinema”
    so, in conclusion, grow a set.

  10. fuck off says:

    HAHAHA CIDA AT THE CINEMA PIP PIP CHEERIO TAMLIN

  11. ew says:

    hey maybe a lesbian wrote this? tamlin sounds like one of those androg names likes riley and skylar that bull daggers tend to have.

  12. srsly says:

    Shouldn’t he have just gone to the pub for bushmills or jamesons instead of going to see a gay film about justice and rights- OH Right. he needs to grow a set first.

  13. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    You’re the sort of kid who serves mimosas from a carafe while hosting a Street Fighter party.

  14. vegan jules says:

    Yo Tamlin, you live near London. Let’s chill dude.

  15. pork belly says:

    Cider? By girlfriend do you mean little phillipino butt boy?

  16. street cloud says:

    veggie pork pies are awesome and the cinema is where they went, you uncultured idiots.

  17. @street cloud says:

    the cinema is where faggots go. Normal people go to a movie theater.
    there’s no such thing as vegetarian pork. The word “pork” refers to a hog slaughtered for consumption. When you say veggie pork tastes good, you’re saying that you’re a vegetarian and you really want to eat pork, but you’re too much of a pussy to just eat it. It’s like if I said, “man those celery sticks I had that were made out of a dead cow were really great.”

    ps you’re a queer.

  18. Beef says:

    No more lame reviews, girl name.

  19. Strongbow is the bomb says:

    But really, you should have gone with strongbow strong.

  20. zoing says:

    Irish carbombs are horrific, like a cement mixer but about a googol times worse.

  21. swimmininpussey says:

    this could come from a 15 year old writing it for english 10 and would be of the same calibre..

  22. blegh says:

    your all pussies. i watched this movie and tamlin or whatever is right. spot on.

    also, my girlfriend made me go to the CINEMA last week…only we went to the watchmen…boyoboy whaddasackashit! i saw the trailer and thought taking half a bottle of absinthe in a lexan bottle would make it better but that shit was 3 hours long and i spilled part of my plastic bottle on the floor and it stunk. then when the big blue penis shows up everybody goes “HAW HAW HAW” all together and i drunkenly yell out “REALLY!?” and they hush. then i fell asleep. the end.

  23. Daa dee says:

    vegetarian anythings are for gays. Reports are also in that cider is for gays too.

  24. tamlin says:

    hey guys i am a boy and my parents grew up in the sixties so i have a weird name the story behind it is some guy gets kidnapped by the queen of fairies, true story

  25. YourFutureDictator says:

    @street cloud Says:
    03.12.09 at 3:33 pm
    “the cinema is where faggots go. Normal people go to a movie theater.”

    actually in the UK no one calls them movie THEATRES. it’s the cinema.

    “there’s no such thing as vegetarian pork. The word “pork” refers to a hog slaughtered for consumption. ”

    well done for sounding like a meat eating lisa simpson. PATRONISING FUCKNUGGET.
    i’m guessing the guy just wanted to keep mention generic.

    “When you say veggie pork tastes good, you’re saying that you’re a vegetarian and you really want to eat pork, but you’re too much of a pussy to just eat it. It’s like if I said, “man those celery sticks I had that were made out of a dead cow were really great.”

    i bet you keep duplicate copies of each month’s Vice. one set in a sacred pristine column next to your wardrobe and the other well thumbed, corners marked and covered in highlighter for ‘easy reference’. jerkoff.

    “ps you’re a queer”

    and you are someone it would pain most to have even half a pint with

  26. DAVE FROM CROYDON says:

    I take it most of these replies are from americans. I base that on the fact that ‘faggot’ and ‘queer’ are their most used insults and are strangely offended by the word ‘cinema’. Chill out chaps. Turn your baseball caps the right round too. Infact take them off.

  27. sacha says:

    dave, thank you for being right.

  28. shiiitz says:

    “this could come from a 15 year old writing it for english 10 and would be of the same calibre..”

    id rather listen to colin murray greedily shit on my parents than read another comment by a pedantic, shallow hearted and dim-witted sales assistant from Birmingham.

    delete pornotube from your favourites and get your FUCKING hair cut


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