If you treat your face like a pussy, it’ll act like a pussy.
I’m in rehab. One of the rules here is that we have to shave every day. With a Scotch-Irish last name like Pike, my rage is as strong as my skin is weak. Daily shaving sounded like a death sentence for my face.
Funny how things you think are bad at first turn out to be good with a little blind faith.
For all you sensitive-skinned dudes trying to act tough behind beards, secretly wanting to go clean-cut, here’s a thought:
The average “quality” razor costs around $15 bucks. Fuck. Replacement blades cost around the same. Double fuck. Sensitive skin cream is about $10. Triple fuck. Then there’s the face screaming like it’s on fire all day. Fuck ad infinitum.
You might want to try this: put fragrance-free soap suds on your face in the shower, shave with a cheap plastic one-blade razor and let the tiny hairs rinse off down the drain. You won’t have to worry about calling a plumber because the hairs are too teensy. Has to be DAILY for that to work, though. Now you can start dating good girls. They’re worse at blowjobs in the beginning, but they’re more faithful in the long run.
All that four-blade, vibrating handle shit is crap. Expensive mint-cooling aftershave crap is shit. It’s stroking your ego while killing your face’s natural resiliency.
Plastic one-bladers and soaps-sans-fragrance might be rough on Day One, Day Two and Day Three. But so is anal sex the first few go-arounds. Look at the gays. They’re popping dicks back there like they’ve got Prader-Willi Syndrome of the butt. God love ‘em.
An ex-military guy once told me that he used birch bark and sweat to shave when camping out in the bush. He was a drunk like me. Apocryphal? Maybe. But if this is Face Callous Phase One, it’s something to work towards.
Oh yeah…that, and sobriety.