Posted by
Street Carnage
• 07.30.15 07:58 pm

 

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If you treat your face like a pussy, it’ll act like a pussy.

I’m in rehab. One of the rules here is that we have to shave every day. With a Scotch-Irish last name like Pike, my rage is as strong as my skin is weak. Daily shaving sounded like a death sentence for my face.

Funny how things you think are bad at first turn out to be good with a little blind faith.

For all you sensitive-skinned dudes trying to act tough behind beards, secretly wanting to go clean-cut, here’s a thought:

  • 4-pack of BIC razors ($5)
  • 8-pack of unscented soap ($8)

The average “quality” razor costs around $15 bucks. Fuck. Replacement blades cost around the same. Double fuck. Sensitive skin cream is about $10. Triple fuck. Then there’s the face screaming like it’s on fire all day. Fuck ad infinitum.

You might want to try this: put fragrance-free soap suds on your face in the shower, shave with a cheap plastic one-blade razor and let the tiny hairs rinse off down the drain. You won’t have to worry about calling a plumber because the hairs are too teensy. Has to be DAILY for that to work, though. Now you can start dating good girls. They’re worse at blowjobs in the beginning, but they’re more faithful in the long run.

All that four-blade, vibrating handle shit is crap. Expensive mint-cooling aftershave crap is shit. It’s stroking your ego while killing your face’s natural resiliency.

Plastic one-bladers and soaps-sans-fragrance might be rough on Day One, Day Two and Day Three. But so is anal sex the first few go-arounds. Look at the gays. They’re popping dicks back there like they’ve got Prader-Willi Syndrome of the butt. God love ‘em.

An ex-military guy once told me that he used birch bark and sweat to shave when camping out in the bush. He was a drunk like me. Apocryphal? Maybe. But if this is Face Callous Phase One, it’s something to work towards.

Oh yeah…that, and sobriety.

-GREG PIKE


Comments
  1. joeyjoejoe says:

    The way to shave is with an electric foil. Wet razors are retro hipster bullshit. Technology has progressed.

    People think electrics don’t work for three reasons: 1) They use those rotary blade electrics, which totally don’t work — you need a foil razor; 2) They don’t know how to use a foil electric. They think it’s a one or two sweeping pass thing like with a wet razor. No, you move the electric with repeated tight circles while pressing in with substantial pressure. The manual you got with the electric razor explains. 3) They don’t realize you have to replace the foil and cutter about every four months, and also keep it oiled about every four uses. The manual lies and says the foil and cutter will last a year, but that’s not true, you need three or four a year.

  2. 6079 Smith, W. says:

    Gotta laugh at dorks who spend time shavin’ their empty noggin, while they let their face bush out to look like Chewbacca’s momma’s ASS.
    Never trust a head shaver.
    Cops are head shavers.

  3. raymi says:

    Sorry you’re in rehab but good for you! Soap suds are key.

  4. Stevie One-Leg says:

    My daughter bought me (at my request) a heavy metal safety razor for my birthday. I was sick and tired of the bullshit of plastic razors with 3, 4, 5 blades. Those aren’t for shaving hair – they’re for grating cheese. The safety razor handle will last me the rest of my life, and a year’s supply of double-sided razors costs less than $5 (each blade lasts about 2 weeks, and a 100 pack runs about $20).
    It was good enough for my dad. It’s good enough for me.

  5. Dr. John Thomas says:

    That electric foil sounds like a lot of fucking around.

  6. Dweeb says:

    Does shaving actually make hair grow back thicker? (seriously)

  7. yalyalyal says:

    ^^^Was about to say it but Stevie One-Leg got there first. safety razors + double sided blades are by far the cheapest AND closest shave you can get. Shitty disposables are way more expensive and fuck your skin up. The author is just trying to be macho and contrarian and making himself look stupid. Argh I’ve been lurking this site for years and THIS is what finally made me speak up for some reason.

  8. Alec Leamas says:

    +1 on the double edged safety razors. Just be aware that the different brands of blades shave differently and you need to experiment not only with the technique but with different blade brands until you find yours. Many folks rave about the Israeli Personnas but for me they were so-so, Merkurs and Feathers were too sharp, but Derbys are just right (you can get 100 Derby razors for about $10.00) after I run a new blade (each side) over a wine cork. So I can literally easily afford to shave with a new blade every day if I chose. I rarely go more than three shaves in any event since my beard hairs are very coarse and obstinate to the blade. The technique is to make very short, smooth strokes – DE Safety razors are great but if you get too aggressive with them you can carve a piece of your face off very quickly. And in my opinion the only proper way to shave is with proper English creams or soaps (Italian stuff like Proraso will do in a pinch and the menthol feeling is nice and bracing in the winter) and a badger hair brush. You can get a decent kit together for $100 – $150. Cartridge razors are a modern “convenience” that really isn’t one – they’re the equivalent of what TV Dinners and Tang are to home cooking and orange juice. The last time there was a facial hair craze (damned hippies) men forgot to shave or never really learned, and couldn’t teach their sons the proper means and methods. Get the DE Safety razor and brush, commit to learning the skill, and you’ll thank yourself for it.

  9. Under_Score_User says:

    I use a rock and chunky salsa. A rock is free and I grew the ingredients for the salsa in my urban garden. Man up!

  10. vvwavevv says:

    I purchased a Merkur chrome plated safety razor about 10 years ago(I’m 34 now) and I’m a fan for life. Replacement blades (Derbys) are priced pretty well compared to big-box store shit and a Merkur will last forever.

  11. Ski Doo says:

    Straight razor or safety razor or bowie knife or get fucked… The only place a real man would even come close to getting their hands on disposables is a truck stop or jail… beards & not shaving is for city fruits, so’s rehabs.

  12. Nicky AK says:

    Everyone is totally missing the point of this article. Blowjobs are, by and large, an acquired skill.


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