Posted by
Jesse Andrew
• 11.11.12 08:17 pm


Eventually we will all end up on our deathbeds.

Actually, that’s a lie. Some of us will overdose, die instantly in head-on car collisions, or take our own lives with a bullet, but the lucky few will have a deathbed. I almost had one myself. Unfortunately, mine was underwater and that’s a shitty deathbed. Suffocating basically feels as if your body is being turned inside-out, and to make matters worse no one was there to say, “I love you, don’t be scared.”

That’s a fucked-up deathbed. I didn’t check, but I’m sure I shit my pants. Eventually, I came to the surface, threw up on myself, and called it a day. Surfing in Hawaii will fuck you up. Ideally, one wants their deathbed to be at home while you’re surrounded by loved ones. That or a hospital bed with a doctor leaning over you so at least there’s a comforting feeling of, “All right then, maybe this dude can keep me alive.”

The trick is to choose your words wisely when saying your last goodbyes because modern medicine is amazing and chances are the doctor will find a way to keep your ass alive. A man named James Washington learned this shit the hard way. This asshole was serving a prison sentence, had what he thought was a life-ending heart attack, and decided now was the time to confess to a murder. While struggling to breathe, he told the closest prison guard, “I have something to tell you. I have to get something off my conscience and you need to hear this. I killed somebody. I beat her to death.”

Now James could die at peace, but he didn’t. The doctors kept him alive and now he’s facing a life sentence for murder. The dude did his best to take back his statement after waking up in a hospital bed, but it was too late at that point. (He was serving a prison term for an unrelated crime.) James had always been a suspect in the murder and now the po-po had everything they needed to lock his ass up for life. Many other killers have confessed to their murders on deathbeds, but unlike James Washington’s dumb ass, they all died.

So the lesson here would be if you murder someone, take that shit to the grave.

With that being said, here is a short list of things not to confess on your deathbed, because who knows? You might live and have to own up.

Men:
1. Murder (duh.)
2. That one dude’s dick you sucked.
3. Fucking the dog.
4. You like the band FUN.
5. Still a virgin.

Women:
1. That one coke dealer you fucked in the bathroom at Element.
2. The other coke dealer you fucked in the bathroom at Element.
3. You have AIDS.
4. It’s not really his baby.
5. “I never loved you.”

Did I leave anything out?

Here is a top ten list of other famous deathbed confessions.

 

—JESSE ANDREW

 

 


Comments
  1. jizzbot says:

    what anime is that?

  2. stanky stanky says:

    So if I show up to Element pretending to be a coke dealer then I can probably fuck a chick in the bathroom?


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