The next casualty of the minefield that is election season is some guy I’ve never heard of from Missouri named Todd Akin.
I don’t know anyone named Todd and I don’t ever want to know anyone named Todd. Fuck Todds. However, thanks to the Internet I get to hear this Todd saying this:
It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare.…If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.
Big Head Todd is now being held up as the prime example of a stupid, anti-science Republican. But I think everyone is missing the real story here. What doctors did he get this information from? Do these guys have access to some miracle drugs or magic that we’ve never seen before? Is there a pill out there that lets you will away pregnancy with the power of your mind? Imagine if all you had to do to avoid conception was to just really, really, really not want to get pregnant. Think of the applications, not just for rape victims, but for couples who aren’t ready to conceive yet. It would be like The Secret for cum shots!
Here’s a list of some other nuggets of wisdom from Todd’s doctors. Come sit with me at the feet of the masters.
• A cat can suck a baby’s soul out of its mouth while it sleeps. Get a dog.
• If you pour some Old Grand-Dad into the girl’s b-hole while having sex with her, the baby will come out knowing all the words to “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”
• Blasting dubstep into a girl’s naughty bits will prevent pregnancy. Make sure to use a speaker that can handle the low end, so those nasty bass drops come through nice and clear. The girl’s vagina should look like the guy in the Maxell commercial in order for this to work properly. This is 100% effective unless she wanted to get pregnant.
• Asian girls have sideways vaginas.
• If a woman is raped, she cannot will the pregnancy away if she was ravished by the Devil. Therefore, all pregnant rape victims are secret wielders of dark majicks.
• The science of phrenology is the key to curing the feeble-minded of their mental ailments, unless the imbecile is named Todd.
• Ask a Magic 8-Ball if pregnancy is likely before hopping in the sack with your lady. If it says “Very doubtful” or even “Reply hazy, try again”, creampie time!
• Sriracha hot sauce is effective as birth control. Squirt an entire bottle inside your girl and she’ll taste so delicious that you’ll ONLY want to eat her out, forever, thereby making it impossible to get her pregnant.
• The majicks of alchemy can stimulate the economy by causing all pregnant women to give birth to solid gold babies.
• A balance of the Four Humours can be attained through an all-night marathon of Dog the Bounty Hunter.
• If one is legitimately raped, yet does not want to have an abortion, a “repelling tonic” will have the same effect without the baby murder. Simply mix 1 part milk of magnesia, 2 parts essence of licorice, 2 parts water, and 1 part ground armadillo snout. Shake vigorously to mix and pour into the bellybutton. This ingenious concoction simply sends the fetus’ soul back up to heaven to be with Jesus. No abortion needed. If it doesn’t work and the pregnancy is uninterrupted, you secretly wanted the baby. Whore.
Todd Akin, whose mother unsuccessfully used a “repelling tonic” roughly 66 years ago.