Posted by
John Pittsley
• 08.28.16 05:21 pm

Screen Shot 2016-08-28 at 1.46.14 PM

I don’t see what the big issue is with this guy. Isn’t this what you want in a doctor, someone who’ll tell you to calm the fuck down and just take a bunch of pills?

Too many people have this holy opinion of doctors as these infallible geniuses, who know everything. When in reality, they’re just normal ol’ Joes who were able to memorize a bunch of retarded nicknames for body parts and stick it out through medical school. Sure, they may be able to say, “Oh, I think I’ve heard of this before” and hit the nail on the head from time to time, but that goes for all of us. Doctors are just taking a shot in the dark for the most part, and even when that works out, it’s not all too great.

If you’re going to your doctor because you’ve got some shit going on, and you don’t already know what the problem is, the only news you’ll be getting is bad news. It may not be as bad as “you have cancer” or “you’re a goner,” but it’s usually something painful like “I don’t know what this is. We’re gonna have to run a shit ton of tests on you,” or “we can fix this. You’re gonna have to come in every week and get a barrage of treatments done for fucking months, though.” Why bother? You’re gonna be six feet under eventually. You might as well enjoy yourself, and it’s pretty hard to do that while sitting in a waiting room or laying in a hospital bed. The doctors who run a bunch of tests and force treatments on their patients don’t really give a shit if they get better or not, either.

Almost every single last doctor is a fucking dork. All they care about is learning. Each one of them decided to go to school for an extra couple of years for Christ’s sake. They may be in the business of curing people, but what really gives these guys a raging hard on is discovering a new disease or the cure for one. That’s not what you want in a doctor. You want someone with your best interests at heart. Someone who can give you drugs and is smart enough to put your mind at ease. A dude with a PhD. who’s willing to say, “don’t worry about that shit, bro” and write out a prescription for Xanax or Klonopin is exactly that. Who gives a shit if the guy looks like he plays Dungeons and Dragons?

Everyone may think they want a handsome doctor but that’s only because their brains have been conditioned by E.R. and commercials. A hunk like George Clooney wouldn’t have to do shit in Medical school. All the chicks would let him cheat off their tests or write his papers for him, and he could bop the lady professors for good measure too. You want a guy who didn’t get a sniff of poon in college or medical school and still kind of has to pay for it now. That way, he knows his shit and is dedicated to his work but still has enough resentment for the system to say, “I don’t see a problem with that,” when you ask for a prescription or procedure that could get his license revoked.

For some reason everyone likes to think of doctors as caregivers, who only care about their patients’ health. They’re really just overpriced customer service, and the customer is always right. If the customer wants a bunch of pills or a clean bill of health, I don’t see what the big fuckin’ deal is.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. Xanie Bartender says:

    Wouldn’t that be refreshing honesty “yer a goner mr. Boehner.”
    Just how do you provoke a license? Oh I know how. Burden the physician with onerous bureaucratic regulations and insurance paperwork and ask them to subsidize Obamacares Medicaid bait and switch shell game and that’s how you provoke a doctor to rip up his license.
    Any PCP in his right mind would opt out of this soon to be nationalized health care system and get set up as a fat farm clinic or join the new “pill mill” like marijuana industry in legal jurisdictions. It’s (legal weed) currently a cluster fuck of hassles but will eventually mellow out as the State tax revenue coffers grow and the stoners soon to be powerful agriculture lobby throws perks and ho’s the corrupt legislators way.
    If you need hospice like pain medication; go to your local dive bar and look for broads with very large purses, I’m sure they can cure what ails you bud.

  2. OogaBooga says:

    “Fucking despicable, disgusting crooks” is another way of putting it. They work the fucking system so they can jack up the fucking bills. Health insurance as a basic entitlement of having a job became a thing due to wage and price control bullshit. Doctors can always be counted on to order every imaginable unneeded test to drive the bill through the roof. Health care could be much, much fucking cheaper. Doctors are the primary reason it isn’t.

  3. JR Wirth says:

    I can’t stand doctors who lead on terminal patients. “Oh, there’s this experimental gene therapy treatment that you would be a great candidate for.” blah blah blah… Just about every family member I’ve had that’s gone terminal has gone through a gauntlet of BS and positive thought about prognosis.

    It would be so refreshing if they just led you to a room that looked like a suite at Four Seasons, with a Ukrainian hooker that you bang the shit out of and snort cocaine off her areolas. Afterwards the nurse would come with a bottle of scotch and a revolver to take yourself out in the most civilized way possible. After the fifth or sixth drink, the muzzle, feeling like one of those cold ice cubes in the glass goes up to your head, and bang….. Way better than blowing a basketball sized hole in your body with radiation and taking poison cocktails intravenously.

    Our society fears death more than anything. Because we all know where we’re going. Unlike the in-bred dummies in the middle east who think they’re getting 72 virgins. How’s that for irony? The worst people on earth are the most secure in their redemption, fucking virgins who magically regrow their hymens at midnight for all eternity. What the hell kind of world is this anyway? WTF are we doing here? Do we even exist?

    If you have thousands and thousands of men who’ve achieved the 72 virgin club, let’s say half of the virgins bleed, you’re talking about a serious number of bed sheets that have to be washed. So does God have lots of washing machines up there? Is there a fucking housekeeping service up in heaven that takes care of this?

    I’m high right now….

  4. John Doe says:

    What a pleasant looking Dr. Feelgood. I’d be comfortable asking him to prescribe medical marijuana for my general anxiety about the meaning of Life. I’d also ask him if he could fix my Insomnia and waning sex drive and performance issues. I know Doctor Feelgood will gladly resolve my problems like a modern day Marcus Welby. A can do doctor goes the extra mile to help their patients and for that I’m willing to pay out of pocket for irregular services. Hippa cuts both ways as far as I’m concerned and my doctors anonymity is just as important as mine you feel me doc.

  5. An unsolicited testimonial says:

    Hey, this guy made my dick work again! It doesn’t just flop around like a sad, old man with nowhere to be and nothing to do.

  6. dick lubin says:

    “For those unfamiliar with heel spurs, the Mayo Clinic explains that most “cause no symptoms and may go undetected for years.” WebMD describes them as “often painless.” Perhaps Trump’s spurs were more painful than most; but it seems unlikely. Trump himself has bragged about his athletic prowess at that time of his deferments, going so far as to describe himself as one of the best baseball players in all of New York State. And the spurs couldn’t have been that painful, as he showed the still-extant supposed deformity to D’Antonio as recently as 2014, suggesting he’d never sought treatment. In fact, the spurs were so inconsequential that Trump can’t even keep his story about them straight. During a 2015 campaign stop in Iowa, he claimed that his medical disability had been a heel spur in one foot, though he couldn’t remember whether it was the left or right. “You’ll have to look it up,” he eventually told reporters. His campaign later issued a press release reaffirming that the spurs were in both feet. The bottom line is that it’s all but impossible that Trump’s medical condition kept him from combat. Trump simply dodged the draft.”

  7. Castrate Dick Lubin says:

    I’ll take his spurs over Hillary’s heels. So since when does a lefty pedophile have a problem with an alleged Vietnam draft dodger who at that time was a democrat, and even today is to the left of the war monger neo-con conservative impersonators?
    Go Trump 2016!!!
    #JUSTSAYNOTONAMBLA

  8. Coach says:

    Revoked, perhaps?

  9. frank says:

    Modern trauma surgery works amazingly. People survive all sorts of shit that just ten years ago would mean you were dead. It’s amazingly better than it was 25 years ago. So much so that you have to factor this in to the murder rate and car accident survival statistics. The murder rate isn’t as better and cars aren’t as safer as people think because it’s really just better medical care masking what were deaths not so long ago.

    But other than that field, modern medicine is mostly a racket. Most of the drugs don’t actually work. The cancer stuff is bullshit. The transplants are bullshit. They’re really selling you an extra five years of truly shitty life where you feel sick all the time at the cost of $150K. Why bother, I say. There have been a number of surveys of oncologists where they frankly answer that they themselves would not bother with chemo.

    Here’s what you need to know: Mexicans and Cubans live something like one or two years less than Americans. America is blowing a fifth of its GDP on doctors and medicine, which in financial terms is not even conceivable to Mexicans and Cubans. Ergo, American medicine doesn’t actually work and is really a huge racket.

  10. Homopathetic Medicine says:

    OK you Christian Scientists, put your children’s lives where your BS is. When Junior’s grasping for breath call the I Ching acupuncturist. Go see your local Santeria Witch Doctor when that growth in your neck turns purple and the size of a grapefruit. Having palpitations, then call the neighborhood Chiropractor for a tune up. Anotherwords go back to a life expectancy of 40-50 and get married to your 14 year old cousin because life’s short and you’d better start pumping and dumping out as many progeny as possible since that child mortality rate is going back to way way up. Oh and your cuz wife has good odds of dying while giving birth to new life.
    Yeah modern Western medicine is way overrated until like a atheist in a foxhole you start crying for your mommy cuz you feel that mortal coil slithering around your neck.
    Doctor Please give me enough time to say my goodbyes, pleeeease. Sorry Mr. Boehner ur a goner.

  11. Doktor Feelgook says:

    Medicine is overrun by apple polishers. They learned this from the professoriat– another now-bullshit profession dominated by the Ivy League suck-up. Adventure has been drained from most fields, even Silicon Valley (famous for its maladjusted-virgin quotient before filthy lucre did its magic). It’s not like the good old wild days of Vic Frankensteen boosting corpses from the charnel house.

  12. OogaBooga says:

    Homopathetic Medicine, I looked up “Male Nurse” in the dictionary and there was a picture of you. You look like a real faggot, BTW.

  13. Homopathetic Medicine says:

    ^
    ASSHOLE (Better known as OogaBooga), your faith based or hippie tree-hugging herbal remedies dictionary must have confused you with a picture of a male masseuse who rubs the bad karma wrinkles out of old elephant hide asses.
    Come on, I can read between your peeking out of the closet lines. You want a date.
    Your desire for a White Western Man must have caused your African in America mojo to project your lust for me into that picture. My manly discourse brought up that 1st-Contact primal memory of low-down reverence for Dr. Livingston. I admit my cock is quite desirable, but not for faggots like you. Speak to dick lubin he might have time to diddle you between poking the young ones.

  14. OogaBooga says:

    That was awesome, Homo Med. Keep it going. You write in the voice of the guy on the Simpson’s who owns the comic book shop. Here’s some more red meat for you to gum: Doctors are a bunch of fucking crooks, and they have a central policy of ordering unnecessary tests, etc. and prescribing as much dope as they can for Big Pharma. Pointing these facts out doesn’t make someone a Christian Scientist–but denying them does make someone a faggot. And that someone is you. Faggot.


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