Whether you are six or thirty-six, you’ve asked yourself, “What the fuck?” when watching a dog sniff another dog’s ass.
Now, I know why men sniff a woman’s ass because it’s a sure way to turn a whiskey dick into a table leg, but the reason dogs sniff each other’s butts runs a little deeper than that. Most people believe this is their way of saying hello, but I know better. A dog has two anal glands in their bum which emit a very strong scent. A dog will sniff another dog’s ass to get a whiff of these two glands. This aroma gives them detailed information about the other dog. It tells his/or her sex, health status, and temperament. After a quick sniff of another dog’s ass, they know if this is a friendship situation or a fight to the death. The next time you see two dogs meeting for the first time, you’ll see them sniff each other’s bums before picking a fight with each other.
Congratulations, you’re a little less dumb now. Bring this up at the next dinner party and watch the people around you get all wide-eyed and wonder to themselves, “Who is this know-it-all prick?”
Christmas is exhausting; all the shopping and shit, lunches and dinners, and the 4,000 text messages from everyone you know. It’s the only time in the year a woman can say, “I’m so tired” and the man doesn’t think, “What the hell is she talking about?” Like, for real. Why are women always so tired all of the time?
The other night I was too exhausted to shower before bed, not that I normally do, but this day I walked the length of thirteen football fields through the mall and can only guess there was a small puddle of ass sweat/butter built up in my underwear. Instead of showering (too tired) I simply took off my underwear and put on my usual black soccer shorts commando-style. As usual, I put two pillows together, with a gap in between, so to lay my laptop computer on top with a gap underneath to prevent overheating, hit play on Bad Teacher and started preparing myself for sleep.
Going to sleep ritual:
1. Masturbation. (But not tonight seeing how I’m visiting my mother.)
2. Bottled water. (Though I never actually drink it, but I panic if it’s not available.)
3. Thirty-five minutes of playing Flow Free on my iPhone.
Only then can I fall asleep.
Unless of course I’ve been drinking, because in that case I pass out in my recliner covered in French fries. So there I am lying in bed and surprisingly the dog hopped up next to me, which is strange because he normally prefers to lie on the floor next to the bed. Maybe he misses me? Just as Cameron Diaz is getting stoned in her car, a spark ignites in my ass crack and needs to be scratched. This is a problem because I chose not to shower nor am I wearing underwear to shield my finger with when scratching my ass. I had to go in bare.
As I figured, it was nice and waxy in there and like anyone else, I needed to smell my finger afterwards, but for some unexplainable reason I thought I should let the dog sniff it first. Why? I don’t know, but boy did I ever make his day! Normally when I let the dog smell my fingers it’s only because I’m attempting friendship and think by allowing him to sniff my fingertips I’m being civil. The dog will accept my offer of kindness and take a quick sniff before realizing I’m not actually offering him anything. At this point, he simply walks away uninterested.
After giving my itchy ass crack a good finger-scrubbing, I offered the dog a sample of these same old boring fingertips, only this time he was instantly electrocuted with interest. He took one sniff and his ears shot straight up in the air. “WHAT’S THIS?!” he thought. It was as if my fingers were roadkill and he wanted to be smothered by every inch of it. He jumped up to his feet and looked at me wildly while wagging his tail. I’ve never seen him so excited. Then again, I’ve never let him smell my asshole before. I thought about using his favorite toy (green dinosaur) to wipe my sweaty ass with and watch him go bananas when throwing it at him, but I matured mentally before actually following through on it. Judging from his excitement, the scent of my poo butter told him my temperament was “feisty” and I wanted to wrestle. For a split second, I was scared he might give my fingers a quick lick and took back my present. At this point he crawled up on my chest and started licking my face. I thought he was saying, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” but in reality he was screaming, “MORE! MORE!! MORE!!!”
I’ve known this dog for his entire life (five years) and I’m just now allowing him to know what my butt smells like. What an asshole I am. And why now? What the hell, it was Christmas. At one point he was looking right in my eyes and I knew he was telling me, “Dude, we could have been doing this for years!”
So from now on, whenever I decide to skip a shower, I’m going to scratch my ass and then offer my fingertips to the dog. I suggest that if you own a dog, you should do the same so for the first time in your relationship he/or she will finally know who the hell you are as a person.