One show I wish I’d seen under the influence of magic mushrooms is Donny & Marie (as in, Osmond…yes, they’re still kicking around the fringes of the entertainment world).
They’ve had a show at the Flamingo for years now, and it always struck me as the worst kind of excruciating shlock—like the same demographic that goes to see Terry fucking Fator. Well, one of my gigs is writing brief reviews of different shows around town for a travel website, and guess which show they assigned me recently?! That’s right—only I totally forgot about it, since I set it up with their PR person weeks ago…and due to the hectic nature of my schedule, I completely spaced out.
I was sitting in the parking lot of my gym, putting off the inevitable (I hate lifting weights, but I make myself do it once a week for an hour) when my editor emailed me: “Hey, when are you going to see Donny & Marie?” Thanks to his reminder, I checked back through my emails and realized I was supposed to go that very night! He reminded me just in time—I barely had time to post an emergency Facebook status update seeking a date for the show before running in, lifting my shitty weights, then dashing home, changing clothes, and racing over to the Flamingo.
By the time I got there, I was stressed out and in a very grumpy mood. I fully expected the show to suck ass, and since the site only pays $25 per review, it kinda seemed like a colossal waste of time. Worse, my friend and I were sitting way in the back, and couldn’t get a drink to save our lives!! There was only one waitress working the entire room (I guess all the old Mormons in the audience don’t drink much), so things weren’t looking too good for the drinking game we intended to play, to make the time pass.
But then the show started…and everything changed!!
I’m here to tell you, I never in a million years thought I’d be writing this, but…Donny & Marie are better than Prozac!!! Their relentless cheer and enthusiasm come across as genuine and charming, and their self-deprecating humor is actually funny! They basically revel (or wallow) in the fact that they are cheesy as fuck and don’t try to hide it or be something they’re not. Totally unpretentious show, to its immense credit—and I was thoroughly entertained, and cheered up! Before long, I was grinning like an idiot—especially when one of the ushers came up and in a move of showbiz Deus ex Machina, moved us to a front center booth, along with this sweet older couple (everyone in there is at least 99 years old). Now the drinks were flowing, the view was unparalleled, and my face ready to split from all the smiling. GOOD TIMES!
My favorite part of the show was some weird hard-rock number the Osmonds did back in the day called “Crazy Horses.” It was far fucking out, maaan! Wailing guitars, thrashing dancers, screaming horses… all I could say was “What…….the…..fuuuuuuuck???!” I had never heard of this amazing anthem before, but it was awesome! The rest of the show was fan-fucking-tastic, too — so much so that I actually didn’t want it to end! (!!??? What is happening to me??!!)
To be fair, this was Donny & Marie’s first night back after a long hiatus, so they were well-rested, freshly Botoxed, and likely in better spirits than normal. But I’m willing to bet that this, too, would be an amaaaaaazing show to shroom at. Even sober(ish), it was great!