I hate to sound like an old man but everyone’s manners have really gone to shit lately. There once was a time when people would hold doors for one another, say “please” and “thank you”, and after the advent of the answering machine they’d leave voicemails too. Now, they don’t do any of that shit. I know now that we all have caller ID, you don’t really have to but Jesus Christ. What’s the point in having a voicemail if no one ever uses it?
If you’re gonna call someone, you better have something to say and getting an automated voice message shouldn’t change that. Just because you get a robot instead of a human doesn’t mean you can’t let the person know what you were going to tell them. Texting them afterwards is fine, I guess but if you’re calling them there’s probably a reason why you didn’t text them to begin with. It may sound like I’m splitting hairs here but when it comes to calling someone drunk, in the middle of the night, the least you can do is leave a shitty message.
When someone looks at their phone and notices ten missed calls, all from the same person, it’s hard to ignore. Usually, when that shit happens, it just means the other person is drunk and bored but people in dire situations don’t exactly have their heads on straight. Any reasonable person who needed to get in contact with someone would leave a voicemail or text, instead of calling them ten straight times and leaving it at that. When a person’s life is being threatened they’re not really thinking, “What’s the best way to go about this” though, it’s more like, “FUCK! HELP!” and being the guy at Jim’s funeral, who ignored all his calls while he was trapped in that coke dealer’s closet is a pretty shitty situation too. So, it’s kind of hard not to respond. Calling the dickhead back and hearing, “Dude, where are you? Everybody’s lame! Let’s party” almost makes you wish you were at his funeral, though. Leaving a message avoids all that.
Leaving drunk voicemails doesn’t just keep your friends from wishing you were dead, it puts a smile on their face. Waking up to a recording of your buddy absolutely annihilated is a great way to start the day. It’s not only good for a laugh, it helps you not regret going out while still almost feeling like you were there. Missing out on getting hammered with the homies sucks and hearing how drunk Rob was last night or how he was doing that thing he always does doesn’t really make up for it. Everyone who was there will try to convince you it was the best night ever, when it was probably the usual shit. That all changes if you actually have a piece of the night. Being able to hear your friend drunkenly beg you to come out like he just got hit in the head with a hammer is a lot easier to laugh at than some shitty story being told by a friend. That voicemail also helps the dickhead, who called all those times atone for his fuck up too.
It doesn’t take a genius to realize calling someone over and over again in the middle of the night like a love struck stalker is a shitty thing to do. Simply apologizing for that kind of behavior isn’t enough though. If someone’s the type of numbskull, who has a hard time not calling people relentlessly at all hours of the night, they need to be shamed into not doing it anymore. It’s embarrassing enough when a person knows they were drunk dialing someone repeatedly the night before but it’s far worse, when they know someone else has a recording of them. Being able to hold that voicemail over their head and show everyone else is as good of a deterrent as you’re gonna get. Making fun of them with your friends will be satisfying but they’ll be grateful, once they kick their annoying ass habit.
Convincing drunks to do anything is nearly impossible but you can program drunk you into leaving voicemails, if you start being courteous on a regular basis. It may not seem like something you really want to do but it will brighten your friends’ day and eventually keep you from looking like a stalker.