Posted by
John Pittsley
• 07.26.16 05:54 pm

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I hate to sound like an old man but everyone’s manners have really gone to shit lately. There once was a time when people would hold doors for one another, say “please” and “thank you”, and after the advent of the answering machine they’d leave voicemails too. Now, they don’t do any of that shit. I know now that we all have caller ID, you don’t really have to but Jesus Christ. What’s the point in having a voicemail if no one ever uses it?

If you’re gonna call someone, you better have something to say and getting an automated voice message shouldn’t change that. Just because you get a robot instead of a human doesn’t mean you can’t let the person know what you were going to tell them. Texting them afterwards is fine, I guess but if you’re calling them there’s probably a reason why you didn’t text them to begin with. It may sound like I’m splitting hairs here but when it comes to calling someone drunk, in the middle of the night, the least you can do is leave a shitty message.

When someone looks at their phone and notices ten missed calls, all from the same person, it’s hard to ignore. Usually, when that shit happens, it just means the other person is drunk and bored but people in dire situations don’t exactly have their heads on straight. Any reasonable person who needed to get in contact with someone would leave a voicemail or text, instead of calling them ten straight times and leaving it at that. When a person’s life is being threatened they’re not really thinking, “What’s the best way to go about this” though, it’s more like, “FUCK! HELP!” and being the guy at Jim’s funeral, who ignored all his calls while he was trapped in that coke dealer’s closet is a pretty shitty situation too. So, it’s kind of hard not to respond. Calling the dickhead back and hearing, “Dude, where are you? Everybody’s lame! Let’s party” almost makes you wish you were at his funeral, though. Leaving a message avoids all that.

Leaving drunk voicemails doesn’t just keep your friends from wishing you were dead, it puts a smile on their face. Waking up to a recording of your buddy absolutely annihilated is a great way to start the day. It’s not only good for a laugh, it helps you not regret going out while still almost feeling like you were there. Missing out on getting hammered with the homies sucks and hearing how drunk Rob was last night or how he was doing that thing he always does doesn’t really make up for it. Everyone who was there will try to convince you it was the best night ever, when it was probably the usual shit. That all changes if you actually have a piece of the night. Being able to hear your friend drunkenly beg you to come out like he just got hit in the head with a hammer is a lot easier to laugh at than some shitty story being told by a friend. That voicemail also helps the dickhead, who called all those times atone for his fuck up too.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize calling someone over and over again in the middle of the night like a love struck stalker is a shitty thing to do. Simply apologizing for that kind of behavior isn’t enough though. If someone’s the type of numbskull, who has a hard time not calling people relentlessly at all hours of the night, they need to be shamed into not doing it anymore. It’s embarrassing enough when a person knows they were drunk dialing someone repeatedly the night before but it’s far worse, when they know someone else has a recording of them. Being able to hold that voicemail over their head and show everyone else is as good of a deterrent as you’re gonna get. Making fun of them with your friends will be satisfying but they’ll be grateful, once they kick their annoying ass habit.

Convincing drunks to do anything is nearly impossible but you can program drunk you into leaving voicemails, if you start being courteous on a regular basis. It may not seem like something you really want to do but it will brighten your friends’ day and eventually keep you from looking like a stalker.

-JOHN PITTSLEY

 


Comments
  1. JR Wirth says:

    This was all covered by Emily Post a hundred years ago. It’s clearly written that any call after 9pm is rude. This was standard etiquette all the way from the 1920’s through the late 1980’s. Then suddenly you would start getting calls at 9:30, 10:00 or later. NO! Read your Emily fucking Post! Anyone who calls after 9pm is déclassé. And if you are calling someone after 9pm it means that you didn’t get laid that night, which makes it even worse.

    If you’re REALLY cool you call someone on Sunday afternoon, after showering the residue from the Sunset Blvd. slut off your body and wondering if that was a herpes sore on her left labia. That’s actually the best time to call someone.

  2. STINKY says:

    As a millenial, albeit an older one, I am so thoroughly conditioned against using my smartphone as like, an actual telephone, that on the occasions that I am drunk enough to randomly bother somebody at an odd hour of the night, I text them. The least shitty thing I could possibly be doing while talking on the phone is ordering food. If I’m speaking on the phone I’m either at work or I’m on a call I don’t want to be on. I Skype family members.

  3. STINKY says:

    Also, my voicemail inbox has been full for about five years. Also I never answer the phone if I don’t recognize the number. Also if I woke up and saw that I had missed a call from a friend of mine, I’d just go ahead and assume they had died.

  4. frank says:

    With people in their early 20s I love replying to text messages with phone calls and leaving voicemails when they pretend to not be available to pick up. They get angry at voicemail. These people are terrified of actually talking on the telephone. You can’t hide your stupidity on the phone but you can pretend to be smarter than you are when everything is constrained to short text message pings. So they all hate being forced into voice interaction.

  5. meech says:

    the great gazoo was teh cute little alien guy with a green helmet and an antenna poping out of it with electrocnic radius beams surrounding his essence he was a cameo on the early fifties classic cartoon the flintstones and whenever fred had a problem the GREAT GAZooooooooo!!!!would help him solve it. I can’t remember if it was good or bad advice i just remember the GREAT GAZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. meech says:

    sorry im so annoying is this”too far”?

  7. meech says:

    you know whats funny is celebrity rags that harass hot (mediumly) fat beautiful ten celebrities-hint-hint.
    and pose questions such as “Jessica Simpson EATING DISORDER?what the fuck is there problem can’t they see all the people on television as being eye ther plainly unattractive plainly average or very seldomly perfect. I usually see the hotest girls on the news for some reason, that perhaps resemble big lustful pigs such as jessica simpson. Can you imagine?

  8. meech says:

    they also forced nicole richie to starve herself because she was perfect when she was on that show with paris hilton. now she looks like she has gotten on a “strict low carb-high gluten-low protein-
    omega fatty acid bullcrap. i had a fucking toasted raw bacon mozz buttered sandwhich today. FUCK YOU
    DR.OZ!!!!!!!eat what i want fucker.

  9. meech says:

    aww the good old days for everyone on this forum what was your favorite hip hop mc from the eighties
    . racists can answer too thats ok too you know. I ll have to go with RAkim. or fuck off and be an uptight
    old fuck

  10. meech says:

    Kye have it. No its not yours. Kie have it. I just told you. Kie have it. ENOUGH!!!no problem

  11. frank says:

    meech, are you traind on a recursive neural net? Or something more simple? Is your purpose in life to poison bayesian spam filters? Who made you and what are you doing?

  12. meech says:

    hey JR fuck you

  13. meech says:

    A i don’t care to figure out what the fuck recursive neural net means B so therefore i speak english and english only. And to tell you the truth every other social media forum with the exception of Adolf HItler s blog is pretty much cool with however many posts i want to post on said forum. And my father made me and im posting on a forum??? Is that cool???

  14. meech says:

    hey frank get this i once got banned from this forum which is stricly against censorship even though it was a forum i enjoyed so im sure adolf could pull the plug at any moment

  15. meech says:

    BAyesian??? I’m english canadian is that some kind of fantasy land which i don’t get

  16. meech says:

    spam to frank but im sure everyone reading this forum is loving this beef

  17. frank says:

    Who made you, meech? How do you work? Did Hasbara send you here?

  18. Pete O'File says:

    Meech’s insightful comments drove me to google Jessica Simpson (first time I’ve thought about her since about 2004). I’m disappointed to see that she’s lost weight.

  19. Street Carnage ex-Pat says:

    An Asshole by so many different names is still an Asshole. This thread is like a voicemail box that is full of shit. Can one be so bored that he…..yes it seems. Pittsley for once seems normal by comparison.


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