Posted by
• 10.23.15 02:59 pm

I’m not saying that the way they say “Don’t move here” during SXSW in Austin. I’m saying it for your benefit. Here are five reasons you’re better off where you are.

Giant megalomaniacs who only talk about themselves and treat women worse than ISIS. Most men here have “a spare and a pair” and they all think they’re the only one.

It’s a city filled with desperate spinsters hunting for a man and pretending their dog will quell their biological clock. By the time they realize it’s all a lie, the deadline has passed.

Thinking you’ll kick ass in NYC is even dumber than thinking you’re going to become a movie star in LA. Not even corporate lawyers, salesman, and finance guys are guaranteed a job. You don’t have that expertise. You’re doomed.

Making enough money to be middle class means you never see your family and pretty much every waking moment is devoted to hustling.

Rats and roaches are not a stereotype. They are an everyday part of New York Life. The human beings who populate the place aren’t much better.

  1. angelo says:

    If one really loves NY, just move somewhere closer to it like Hoboken or Philly. It has an easier lifestyle and you can go to NY during the weekends for fun stuffs.

  2. vanderleun says:

    “Hell. With good restaurants.”

  3. frank says:

    What are you on about with tall guys? Every time I’m in NYC all the men are chubby and bald. They all drink too much and work long hours and are consequently prematurely aged.

  4. Whatever Man says:

    Gavin, points 1-4 are basically you describing your own life. If you had a time machine, would you go back and tell 20 year old you to stay away? Doubt it, you’re just old and grumpy now.

  5. frank says:

    NYC for a person in their early/mid 20s is a totally different equation from what it was 15 years ago. The cost of living relative to salaries quadrupled. The only kids in NYC now are trust fund brats.

  6. NotChurchill says:

    “If you’re not a liberal at 20 you have no heart, if you’re not a conservative at 40 you have no brain.”

    Played to a T, Grandpa McInnes.

  7. frank says:

    The big problem with NYC is that it’s impossible to live there without being on the sauce a few nights a week, or more. Then you wind up looking like shit like Gavin by your late 30s (or earlier).

    Mario Lopez and Gavin are roughly the same age. Go google up some images. Why does Gavin look like warmed turds in comparison? Well I’ll tell ya. It’s accumulated alcohol and narcotics abuse and lack of a proper exercise regimen. And by exercise I mean that hitting the gym doesn’t cut it; you really have to be outside much of the time and moving on most days. Go dig up those pics of Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull in their 40s; ageless. They never aged because they didn’t get fat and they never drank, and they were active in the great outdoors.

    It’s NYC and places like it that make you drink. The NYC lifestyle question as presented to a white kid who knows not to get fat is pretty much: Do you want to die 15 years earlier and look like shit way before middle age?

  8. TJ says:

    “Do you want to die 15 years earlier and look like shit way before middle age?”

    Versus aging well and living to 85 in Des Moines?

  9. Mark Henry's Hand Baby says:

    6- CHUDs

  10. Tree says:

    Truly funny.

  11. Rod Gila says:

    I hear if you like saxophones, New York’s all right.

  12. dingbat says:

    Uhhh, Crazy Horse died at 37. Unless you meant Neil Young’s band, but they all looked like shit by 35.

  13. Sniffy says:

    I say the same thing about San Francisco. Please don’t move here if you’re from the 408, 925, 510 or 916. You people are fucking up our city.

  14. John Thomas says:

    TJ: What’s so bad about Iowa?

  15. raymi says:

    agree. But. You can try it out for a summer.

  16. TJ says:

    Compared to NYC? Very limited options.
    It’s fine if you’re content living a very rote life but for people who want their lives enriched with the kind of adventure that only certain places can offer, there is no comparison.

    What we see here is Gavin rebelling against his naive and wilder youthful ways in his wiser and calmer older years. By no means a new phenomenon. Still, places like NYC offer a lifestyle that, if you play your hand right, is vastly more interesting than whatever you’ll find most anyplace else.

    But yeah. If you’re a post-middle age Gen X’er with a wife and kids who has been there and done that, the suburbs look great.

  17. John Thomas says:

    David Byrne liked Des Moines OK. I guess he’s old though, so there’s that. Plenty of adventure to be had in the more rural areas of the state too though if you know how to find it. Plus, you can always travel when needed.

  18. TJ says:

    Yeah. That’s totally, totally comparable to NYC.

  19. John Thomas says:

    A Dodge Challenger isn’t on par with a Viper. But it’s way cheaper and can still be lots of fun, and how much driving are you really going to do, anyway?

  20. TJ says:

    If you’re the sort of man who lives for driving, a lot.
    Nobody is saying there’s anything inherently ‘wrong’ with places other than NYC. Simply pointing out its ridiculous to compare NYC to anywhere else in North America (and really, the world, even though there are a few alpha cities in Europe I like better, they’re still not NYC)

  21. Billy Gutsgruff says:

    Des Moines is super fun, at least to visit. Perfect small city.

  22. TJ says:

    Lots of cities are fun to visit and its easy to shit-talk NYC but consider the context clues: Gavin here was early on Williamsburg and based on the various videos he’s shot at home, he has a nice place… which means that at the bare-ass minimum, he has a seven figure flat.

    He could sell out and buy anywhere, the perfect big brick house in the leafiest green suburb in any city he so chooses, but he doesn’t. Maybe the thought of leaving ‘the NYC lifestyle’ for someplace boring is more frightening than enduring its quirky cast of characters?

  23. John Thomas says:

    Is “elephant graveyard” a Lion King reference or does it refer to the textbook diagrams of the female reproductive tract bearing a resemblance to an elephant?

  24. frank says:

    TJ, what do you do in NYC that is so amazing?

    If you’re not in finance or fashion or media, it’s almost impossible to justify the cost of living and inconveniences. NYC is an also-ran city for most lines of work. Some 23 year olds are into cocaine and fast lays, and NYC is great for that, but I’m not 23 anymore.

    I’ve lived in great cities like London and Tokyo and spent plenty of time in NYC. I’m just not feeling this magic you allude to. It’s mostly expensive and loud. And these days it’s kinda stripped of character because it’s all foreigners and corporate chains.

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