Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 11.28.12 12:00 pm

“You have GOT to see ‘Lincoln’,” this guy at work told me.

“Really, it’s that good?” I asked him.

“Oh, it’s amazing—just the themes which are so relevant to right now and you don’t even realize, you know?”

I could have just nodded and kept it a very simple and fake work conversation, but this guy is really low on the corporate totem pole, so I figured what harm would it be to just be real for two seconds.

“It’s just, ya know,” I said, “I’m sure it’s a masterpiece and everything, but I just can’t help but have this gut feeling that it’ll be really long, really slow, with all this dry historical shit and nothing really happens the whole time.”

“Oh no,” he assured me, “no not at all—that was my fear, too. For one thing, it’s only the last six months of his life so you’re not like, sitting there watching him in the log cabin and going to law school and shit.”

There ya go—maybe i did like this goyishe pleb. He was soothing my fears! Allaying my concerns. No log cabin, huh? No law school and unlikely yet meteoric rise to the top of the political scene and ultimate, drawn-out triumph of his presidential victory? All right, what the fuck Spielberg, you’re on.

I went to see Lincoln.

I realized I was fucked even before the movie started—after the 7th preview, just as the green APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES screen for the 8th preview appeared, some genius old Jew whined to the screen and the woman that had dragged him to the movie:

“Ah, da—anotha PREVIEW?? C’mon I got three hours a LINCOLN after this!”

But Ben, I see where you’re going…but wasn’t Daniel Day-Lewis amazing? Well I mean, yeah: he BECOMES Lincoln. He IS Lincoln. I couldn’t do it; it’s impressive…but who cares? Do you really want to see someone become Lincoln, especially for three hours? Personally, I’d rather enjoy myself somehow, say via drama or comedy or drugs or sex or excitement.

Lincoln is VERY fucking slow—it’s written by a Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright who writes long slow speeches for Lincoln to recite. LINCOLN.

My favorite part of the movie was this one scene where they count every vote in the House of Representatives. After the fourth close-up “nay” and “yay,” the genius old Jew from the audience again yelled at his wife exactly what I was thinking:

“Ah, da—come on, dey gotta do every VOTE?!”

He was totally right. They did every vote—you know, like C-SPAN.

Now I think the guy who told me to see Lincoln is a fucking asshole jabroni, but not as big of an asshole as me, for selling myself out and ignoring my gut. I fucking KNEW it was going to be long and boring, how could it not be? I’m such an idiot.

In summary, if you’re taking an acting class or a class on Lincoln, go see Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln. It will probably be very useful to you because the thing is a masterpiece.

If you want to be entertained, go see Argo, which is as enjoyable as the most entertaining movie of all time. Literally if you see Argo and don’t like it tweet at me and I will PayPal you your money back.

Like Lincoln.


  1. Burt Reynolds says:

    Any sex scenes between Linc and Sally Field? I tapped that REAL good back in the day.

  2. Jim Goad says:

    Quotes from Abraham Lincoln:


    Speech at Peoria, Illinois on October 16, 1854, during first Lincoln-Douglas debates:
    “In the course of his reply, Senator Douglas remarked, in substance, that he had always considered this government was made for the White people and not for the negroes. Why, in point of mere fact, I think so too.”


    From ‘Fragments: Notes for Speeches’, September 1859:
    “Negro Equality! Fudge!! How long in the government of a God, great enough to make and maintain this Universe, shall there continue knaves to vend, and fools to gulp, so low a piece of demagoguism as this?”


    Speech at Springfield, Illinois on June 26, 1857:
    “Judge Douglas has said to you that he has not been able to get from me an answer to the question whether I am in favor of negro citizenship. So far as I know, the Judge never asked me the question before. (Applause.) He shall have no occasion to ever ask it again, for I tell him very frankly that I am not in favor of negro citizenship”. (Renewed Applause.)


    Fourth debate with Stephen A. Douglas at Charleston, Illinois on September 18, 1858:
    “I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the White and black races, (Applause) – that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurers of Negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, not to intermarry with White people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the White and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on equal terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the White race…”


    Address on Colonization to a Deputation of Negroes in Washington, D.C. on August 14,1862:
    “You and we are different races. We have between us a broader difference than exists between almost any other two races. Whether it is right or wrong I need not discuss, but this physical difference is a great disadvantage to us both, as I think your race suffer very greatly,many of them living among us, while ours suffer from your presence. In a word we suffer on each side. If this is admitted, it affords a reason at least why we should be separated.”

  3. So it’s not as good as Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter?

  4. esseff says:

    i heard that there was like five minutes total of war scenes, and that the whole movie was all talkin

  5. newlibertarian says:

    Goad gets it.

  6. Ecgtheow says:

    Regretted seeing it too but due more to the aftermath. Overheard morons likening the abolition climate to today, equating Obama detractors to slave owners as we filed out the theater. Guess I should’ve expected it as not to be so appalled at the shit idiocy.

  7. Lester says:

    libertarian and also not a fan of Lincoln but this just looks boring. We covered this in class. What’s next, Steven: the Pilgrims? Basic Geometry?

  8. Billy says:

    Argo was mediocre at best.

  9. This whole time I swore Lincoln was just Rick in the Walking Dead, but president? Color me impressed (preferably in black face.)

  10. Anonymous says:

    Why’s errybody hate the blacks?

  11. agentmule says:

    movies are bullshit, i only watch tv.

  12. brideshead says:

    Argo was the most “alright” movie I’ve seen in like ten years. It’s never ever bad and it’s never ever good. It’s kind of a miracle.

  13. Chloe says:

    RE: the quotes – did people forget that first and foremost, Lincoln was a politician? Catering to your audience is a pretty crucial strategy. It’s pretty easy to grab a quote from any politician campaigning in one geographic area that contradicts what they say in another geographic area.

  14. applesauce says:

    So Goad is just gonna forget the fact that Lincoln was in favor of the black vote, and that during reconstruction Republicans sent the military into the south to protect their right to vote?

  15. Jim Goad says:

    ^^^ I’m not forgetting anything. I’m pointing out that filmmakers such as Spielberg (who tackles REALLY risky subjects like the Holocaust and slavery) either forget, blot out, or are unaware that Lincoln wasn’t the saintly figure that’s been remolded in almost all modern narratives, especially in education. Same thing happens with MLK. It’s historical revisionism in the service of some creepy secular folk religion.

Leave A Reply