Oh my god, have you seen Homeland?
Jeez, I’ll tell ya man, we’ve been watching this Homeland?
Dude, I started watching an UNBELIEVABLE show.
Lemme guess—HOMELAND, right? Listen, do me a favor and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. It’s a goddamn TV show—why is every person I know bugging me about a serial drama? Who GIVES a shit??
Then I saw the first episode.
Afterwards, I spent $19.99 of my own Jewish money to buy the entire first season from iTunes. (I’m too cheap for Showtime.)
I can now inform you with utter certainty that Homeland is the greatest piece of entertainment that mankind has ever produced. Buy it immediately, and again, if you don’t LOVE it, expense it to me. I now understand why people can’t shut the fuck up about it—because it poisons your brain like having children.
For anyone who has seen even one episode of Homeland, Zero Dark Thirty is almost unwatchable.
Don’t get me wrong: the last 45 minutes of Zero Dark Thirty is a recreation of the actual Navy Seal attack and killing of Bin Laden. I would pay to watch these 45 minutes a dozen times on iMax. It’s incredible: loud, exciting, dramatic; an immensely gratifying experience.
Unfortunately though, the movie is two and a FUCKING half hours long. What is with these 2012 movies? Was there a terrorist attack on the EDITORS’ compound in Hollywood? HELLO?! Are there any fucking editors alive in 2013 Hollywood?? Can you do your fucking JOBS, please?
Zero Dark Thirty is so long and boring I’d think it was a Judd Apatow movie, except Bin Laden isn’t played by Apatow’s wife or daughters.
The first 30 minutes of the movie just shows Muslims getting tortured. The whole time. It’s The Passion of the Christ with waterboarding.
Hey I have a question guys: Is waterboarding unpleasant? Cool, why don’t you show it for THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES and then make that have nothing to do with plot development of any kind?
The next HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES is a historical detective story with (literally) less dramatic arc than a Discovery Channel episode about the pyramids.
It’s unwatchable. Think of all the drama of Homeland, OK? ZERO DARK PERCENT of it is in this movie: no arc, no character development, not even any plot development! In this hour-and-fifteen minute block, they do nothing but try to track down this one Muslim courier—and nothing ever happens!
Then SUDDENLY (back me up commenters, be brave, please) they completely gloss over actually finding the guy and cut to a room of people looking over a model of the Bin Laden compound. What the FUCK?
At that point they finally start the 45-minute Bin Laden hunt, which is just terrific—but again, it’s in no way worth the hours of torture they’ve make you sit through to earn it.
Wait, what the– 93% on Rotten Tomatoes? FUCK YOU; you’re all lying or stupid or you don’t like fun. To all these reviewers who say they loved it: Hey dumbshits, the criteria for leaving a THUMBS UP shouldn’t be “Do you think this is an important movie?” or “Are you against waterboarding?” The question is, “WERE YOU FUCKING ENTERTAINED???”
I will never trust that goddamn site again.
Ahhhh shit. I guess you probably have to go see the movie because the 45-minute money shot really needs to be experienced on the big screen…but maybe bring an iPad or something for the first hour and forty-five minutes. People will Tweet about the moron next to them using an iPad in the theater, but who cares what those douchebags say? Ooooh, the Internet, I’m so scared of your “followers” judging me. I’m playing angry birds and you’re watching a detective story about sand. Who’s the moron now?
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