Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 01.16.13 12:00 pm


For the past six months, every fucking person I can still tolerate has been telling me to watch Homeland.

Oh my god, have you seen Homeland?
Jeez, I’ll tell ya man, we’ve been watching this Homeland?
Dude, I started watching an UNBELIEVABLE show.

Lemme guess—HOMELAND, right? Listen, do me a favor and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. It’s a goddamn TV show—why is every person I know bugging me about a serial drama? Who GIVES a shit??

Then I saw the first episode.

Afterwards, I spent $19.99 of my own Jewish money to buy the entire first season from iTunes. (I’m too cheap for Showtime.)

I can now inform you with utter certainty that Homeland is the greatest piece of entertainment that mankind has ever produced. Buy it immediately, and again, if you don’t LOVE it, expense it to me. I now understand why people can’t shut the fuck up about it—because it poisons your brain like having children.

For anyone who has seen even one episode of Homeland, Zero Dark Thirty is almost unwatchable.

Don’t get me wrong: the last 45 minutes of Zero Dark Thirty is a recreation of the actual Navy Seal attack and killing of Bin Laden. I would pay to watch these 45 minutes a dozen times on iMax. It’s incredible: loud, exciting, dramatic; an immensely gratifying experience.

Unfortunately though, the movie is two and a FUCKING half hours long. What is with these 2012 movies? Was there a terrorist attack on the EDITORS’ compound in Hollywood? HELLO?! Are there any fucking editors alive in 2013 Hollywood?? Can you do your fucking JOBS, please?

Zero Dark Thirty is so long and boring I’d think it was a Judd Apatow movie, except Bin Laden isn’t played by Apatow’s wife or daughters.

The first 30 minutes of the movie just shows Muslims getting tortured. The whole time. It’s The Passion of the Christ with waterboarding.

Hey I have a question guys: Is waterboarding unpleasant? Cool, why don’t you show it for THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES and then make that have nothing to do with plot development of any kind?

The next HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES is a historical detective story with (literally) less dramatic arc than a Discovery Channel episode about the pyramids.

It’s unwatchable. Think of all the drama of Homeland, OK? ZERO DARK PERCENT of it is in this movie: no arc, no character development, not even any plot development! In this hour-and-fifteen minute block, they do nothing but try to track down this one Muslim courier—and nothing ever happens!

Then SUDDENLY (back me up commenters, be brave, please) they completely gloss over actually finding the guy and cut to a room of people looking over a model of the Bin Laden compound. What the FUCK?

At that point they finally start the 45-minute Bin Laden hunt, which is just terrific—but again, it’s in no way worth the hours of torture they’ve make you sit through to earn it.

Wait, what the– 93% on Rotten Tomatoes? FUCK YOU; you’re all lying or stupid or you don’t like fun. To all these reviewers who say they loved it: Hey dumbshits, the criteria for leaving a THUMBS UP shouldn’t be “Do you think this is an important movie?” or “Are you against waterboarding?” The question is, “WERE YOU FUCKING ENTERTAINED???”

I will never trust that goddamn site again.

Ahhhh shit. I guess you probably have to go see the movie because the 45-minute money shot really needs to be experienced on the big screen…but maybe bring an iPad or something for the first hour and forty-five minutes. People will Tweet about the moron next to them using an iPad in the theater, but who cares what those douchebags say? Ooooh, the Internet, I’m so scared of your “followers” judging me. I’m playing angry birds and you’re watching a detective story about sand. Who’s the moron now?

 

—BENJAMIN LEO
@TheBenWord


Comments
  1. r knuckleberry says:

    How bout that Amish Mafia, huh?

  2. zbow says:

    you’re right, fiction is often more exciting

  3. Jim says:

    Ugh.

  4. Cable Guy says:

    @zbow

    Even non-fiction has to have drama and a story architecture.

  5. abu nhazir says:

    fuck homeland is good.

  6. [...] to say “out-loud.” Goddamn, I have literally never walked out of a movie, but Zero Dark Thirty almost pushed me over the edge. It is actually difficult to have a movie full to bursting with [...]

  7. obviously retarded says:

    Is it better’n Breaking Bad?

  8. Shemp says:

    “Zero Dark Thirty is so long and boring I’d think it was a Judd Apatow movie, except Bin Laden isn’t played by Apatow’s wife or daughters.”

    This.

  9. cdestroy says:

    Is it better’n Sopranos?

  10. newlibertarian says:

    The first season was very good. The second season was absolutely horrible. I’ll watch first episode of season 3 before passing final judgment, but I’m not holding my breath. Chck out Justified – very good show, on FX.

  11. Holly says:

    God, another grown man writing like a thirteen year old kid who has his first pack of Marlboro’s stashed in his underwear drawer and the worn out Penthouse under his mattress. Why do guys think it’s so macho to write like this? Fuck this…fuck that. If I hadn’t seen Zero Dark Thirty I would see it just to spite this pseudo tough guy writer. But since I have seen Zero Dark Thirty I will say it was a very good movie, the lead actress was great and it really shows the absurdity of Obama taking so much credit for the death of bin Laden. That being said, I would really find it entertaining if Gavin McInnes would film himself waterboarding this very irritating writer. It would be even cooler if he did while smoking one of those Marlboros and jerkin’ it to the Penthouse. C’mon, Gavin… for me?

  12. Don Pardo says:

    Homeland reminded me of General Hospital. I used to think Damien Lewis (Brody) was a great actor because I had only seen him in Forsyth Saga and Keane, both of which are well written and directed, but after watching him in Homeland I realize he is basically a one dimensional actor; “The Neurotic-Going-Over-The-Edge guy” I believe that audiences can be tricked into thinking an actor is great if said actor simply takes diction lessons and learns to “do” another accent than his native one.

    I haven’t liked Mandy Patinkin in anything since Yentle. (I fuckin hate the over-played and Disneyesque Princess Bride, sorry EVERYBODY)

    I did watch all the way through to the third last episode of season 2 because something about Lewis’s face was nagging at me… who does this guy remind me of? I spent hours staring at this program and going over all my friends, family, acquaintances, public figures of any sort in my mind, never quite coming up with that face I had definitely seen before…Then BAM! I got it!

    Dude looks like Fred Gwynne AKA Herman Munster. At that moment I was free and stopped watching that garbage TV program immediately.

    You do realize it is all propaganda, right?

  13. Jim Smith says:

    Word the fuck up. Here’s part of the comment I left on Taki’s page. This one’s for you, Holly:

    what I found most noteworthy about Zero Dark Thirty was its remarkable ability to make me simultaneously want to laugh with derision and vomit. It’s just my opinion that it’s a disgusting and insidious piece of propaganda, but it’s a fact that it is a highly subjective work of polemic fiction selling itself as the “real” story. What I found most laughable/disgusting, though, was the way it appeals to women by creating a made up female character whose arc is that she can become just as vicious as men are capable of being, and, thus, can become a better man then men. Males in this film, with one exception (there is a sort of Saul-from-Homeland type–a master torturer with a Ph.D.) are presented as dipshit impediments or useful idiots. “Quite frankly,” she tells the men who actually end up putting their lives on the line to kill Bin Ladin, “I didn’t even want to use you guys, with your dip and your Velcro and all your gear bullshit. I wanted to drop a bomb.” Later, as she angrily carries on her lonely crusade, one of her male peers looks at another and whispers, with quiet awe: “It’s her against the world.” To which the other man responds: “Oh yeah.” Even the dip-spitting Seals she insulted end up revering her as they sit around chewing and playing horseshoes. One of them asks another what makes him believe Bin Ladin is in the compound. The Seal juts his thumb over at Maya and says, with a look of profound admiration: “Her confidence.”

    The film is, in essence, an exercise in pseudo-feminist fantasy fulfillment (and an embarrassingly vain exercise for Bigelow as she projects her own perceived Hollywood experience onto Maya’s).

  14. Mike says:

    Mate, I agree with this review so much that you’ve convinced me to finally check out Homeland.


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