Posted by
M. David Enriquez
• 11.14.12 07:00 am

Texas wants to secede. Just let them fucking do it already. While we’re at it, let them take all the red states with them.

The entire election season I watched partisan fucktards bang their tribal drums while they tried to convince everyone that a victory for the other side meant the end of the universe. Since the Democrats won the day, they’ve been jumping up and down on the heads of fallen Republicans, never once stopping to consider that maybe the conservatives are right about a few things. Since the polls came in, it’s been nonstop gloating and celebrating the victory of the guy who sued for the right to indefinitely detain them. Hooray! More debt! Yay! The shitty two-party system! Yay! Aren’t we all glad we didn’t vote our consciences and went for the lesser of two evils?

You won! You beat those nasty racist anti-science inbred creationist conservatives all back to Texas!

My only question is: Why the hell do you still want to be in the same country with them?

It’s time for us to stop pretending that we all mean the same thing when we talk about “America” or “marriage” or “God.” We don’t. We’re all talking past each other.

Split America into two countries. Let the conservatives have Jesusland, where they can fuse church and state, ban everything gay, and make rape victims pop out babies for the Lord. The liberals will have Abortionland, where they get gay marriage, Planned Parenthood, and a giant government that gives everyone free shit.

So this leads to what is obviously the most important question: Where will I live?

Me? I’m pro-choice. I’m an atheist. And I’m down with the homos. I like my church and state separated so that people are free to pray to whatever invisible god they want to. I would also like to not be spied on and to not be dependent on oil that’s under the feet of people who hate us because we won’t stop fucking with them. I want a lot of things. I’ll probably get more of those things in Abortionland.

The only trouble is that I recently turned into some kind of left-leaning centrist. Either that or I’m a closet libertarian, I’m not sure. But John Stossel has a nice mustache.

Speaking of libertarians, where are they all going to go? Let’s be honest, blue-staters: Your “tolerance” hasn’t stopped you from hating their fucking guts, too. And wouldn’t you love to never have to see Ron Paul bitching about the Fed ever again? Well, they can live in Jesusland if they want to, or maybe we can throw them Alaska and Hawaii. We’ll rename them Libertyland and Ron Paul Rico.

So I guess I’ll live in Abortionland and get some free shit from the government at the expense of all my freedom while they bankrupt us with poorly managed social programs and sky-high taxes. I’ll save up my pennies and take vacations in Ron Paul Rico until it’s destroyed by the global warming they never saw coming.

I don’t know about you, but I’d love a little more empiricism in my politics. Let’s see who ends up succeeding. It’ll be like one big experiment, at least until the red-staters find all the nukes hidden in underground bases. Then they’ll turn Abortionland, Libertyland, and Ron Paul Rico into dust.

Blue-staters: Instead of crying about Faux News, ignoring everything Obama does wrong just because he’s on your team, and stubbornly insisting that the Tea Party is all about race when it’s obviously about taxes, just let them go. Let them all go.

You don’t have to save the world. In fact, no one wants you to.




  1. archie says:

    don’t worry, abortionland would NOT go broke. keep in mind: nobody is more dependent upon the modern welfare state than the so-called “red states” who depend upon the blues to fund their entire states.

    thus, if we dropped the red states, they would all go bankrupt immediately (with the possible exception of texas). in abortionland, however, we’d have plenty of money for social safety net and government programs, as we’d no longer be wasting on those red state ingrates.

  2. Hornblower's Ghost says:

    What archie said! Let them go march down the road to third world poverty and absorption into Mexico, and they better not come back crying to the rest of us about how they need the federal government now to come save them from a real boarder invasion. Hurricane Sandy gave a lot of people here in the tri-state area, who were up on that leave me alone, states can help themselves sucker shit; what kind of Road Warrior reality they could wind up in if the institutions of government just up and disappeared out of their lives. Go live free, see if Mexican Humongous and his band of marauders respects your sovereignty when he shows up for your all your stuff and your daughters! Besides at least in the short term everyone can have exactly what they want. Red states get Super Jesus On His T-Rex Land, till they become part New Aztlan, and people in the blue states can smoke crack in the classrooms finally, it doesn’t really matter because they’ll both still have the fast food everybody likes.

  3. CAM'RON says:


  4. Hey! Get outta here Cam’Ron! Shoo! If we’ve told you once, we’ve told you 100 times, we don’t want to watch you make it clap!

  5. CAM'RON says:

    I get computers putin

  6. Anonymous says:

    So blue states get less of a return on their tax dollars than red states? Dumb asses.

  7. josh dorn says:

    Funny and thought provoking piece. Reads like something you would come up with after a frustrating night of trying fruitlessly to “write.”
    Your peculiar blend of idealism, nihilism, humor and perversion touch me in a place that hasn’t been probed in many years.

  8. Mccaf says:

    I totally agree with this. Fuck, half the country hates the other half, and both sides try to force feed cntroversial issues (marijuana legalization, abortion funding, etc…) down the other’s throat. LOL,and how about the blue states having to absorb all those low-IQ Third-World immigrants into their high tax bracket neighborhoods instead of letting them leech off the mediocre red state economies. STATE’S RIGHTS MOTHAFUGGA

  9. stanky stanky says:

    I like Cam’ron (no homo).

  10. rara oh la la says:

    Texas would do find by itself, actually. It has a massive economy. If other red states went with them and joined into some sort of union there would probably be no real money problem for them.

  11. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    Yeah, well understand that when they leave, the federal money stays behind. That ought to scare the shit out of the Payday check cashing joints, strip clubs and pawn shops near Lackland AFB. :)

  12. archie says:

    rara oh lal la:
    yr right about texas having $$. HOWEVER: Texas doesn’t really identify with the “south” per se; school kids actually pledge allegiance to the Texas flag! if they’re gonna secede from the Union, they’re not about to form a “union” with some shitty red states — they’re going it alone.

    and anyway, they’re not far from becoming a blue state themselves! so when they time comes for secession, we keep them, their money, and their delicious bbq.

  13. Barry says:

    You Americans are going through a nervous breakdown.

  14. Texas, Republic of says:

    We Texans love y’all, but we’ll probably have to take action since Obama won the election.
    We’ll miss you too.

    Here is what can happen:

    #1: Barack Obama becomes President of the United States.
    Texas immediately secedes from the USA.
    #2: Rick Perry and Ron Paul will be named interim Co-presidents until elections are held.

    So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

    1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space industry.
    2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
    3. Defense Industry–we have over 65% of it. The term “Don’t mess with Texas ,” will take on a whole new meaning.
    4. Oil – we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years.
    Yankee states? Sorry about that.
    5. Natural Gas – again we have all we need and it’s too bad about those Northern States.
    John Kerry will have to figure out a way to keep them warm….
    6. Computer Industry – we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications–
    small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.
    7. Medical Care – We have the largest research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. Dallas has some of the best hospitals in the United States .
    8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU,
    University of Houston , Baylor, UNT ( University of North Texas ), Texas Women’s University, etc.
    Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
    9. We have a ready supply of workers. We could just open the border when we need some more.
    10. We have essential control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
    11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard.
    We don’t have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over Chuck Norris and a couple of Texas Rangers.
    12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let’s not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don’t need any food.
    This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape.
    There isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.

    Signed, The People of Texas

    P.S. This is not a threatening letter – just a note to give you something to think about!
    One Nation Under God

  15. Best comment ever.

    Thanks Texas, I take it all back. Praise Jesus and shoot a retard in the face!

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