Texas wants to secede. Just let them fucking do it already. While we’re at it, let them take all the red states with them.
The entire election season I watched partisan fucktards bang their tribal drums while they tried to convince everyone that a victory for the other side meant the end of the universe. Since the Democrats won the day, they’ve been jumping up and down on the heads of fallen Republicans, never once stopping to consider that maybe the conservatives are right about a few things. Since the polls came in, it’s been nonstop gloating and celebrating the victory of the guy who sued for the right to indefinitely detain them. Hooray! More debt! Yay! The shitty two-party system! Yay! Aren’t we all glad we didn’t vote our consciences and went for the lesser of two evils?
You won! You beat those nasty racist anti-science inbred creationist conservatives all back to Texas!
My only question is: Why the hell do you still want to be in the same country with them?
It’s time for us to stop pretending that we all mean the same thing when we talk about “America” or “marriage” or “God.” We don’t. We’re all talking past each other.
Split America into two countries. Let the conservatives have Jesusland, where they can fuse church and state, ban everything gay, and make rape victims pop out babies for the Lord. The liberals will have Abortionland, where they get gay marriage, Planned Parenthood, and a giant government that gives everyone free shit.
So this leads to what is obviously the most important question: Where will I live?
Me? I’m pro-choice. I’m an atheist. And I’m down with the homos. I like my church and state separated so that people are free to pray to whatever invisible god they want to. I would also like to not be spied on and to not be dependent on oil that’s under the feet of people who hate us because we won’t stop fucking with them. I want a lot of things. I’ll probably get more of those things in Abortionland.
The only trouble is that I recently turned into some kind of left-leaning centrist. Either that or I’m a closet libertarian, I’m not sure. But John Stossel has a nice mustache.
Speaking of libertarians, where are they all going to go? Let’s be honest, blue-staters: Your “tolerance” hasn’t stopped you from hating their fucking guts, too. And wouldn’t you love to never have to see Ron Paul bitching about the Fed ever again? Well, they can live in Jesusland if they want to, or maybe we can throw them Alaska and Hawaii. We’ll rename them Libertyland and Ron Paul Rico.
So I guess I’ll live in Abortionland and get some free shit from the government at the expense of all my freedom while they bankrupt us with poorly managed social programs and sky-high taxes. I’ll save up my pennies and take vacations in Ron Paul Rico until it’s destroyed by the global warming they never saw coming.
I don’t know about you, but I’d love a little more empiricism in my politics. Let’s see who ends up succeeding. It’ll be like one big experiment, at least until the red-staters find all the nukes hidden in underground bases. Then they’ll turn Abortionland, Libertyland, and Ron Paul Rico into dust.
Blue-staters: Instead of crying about Faux News, ignoring everything Obama does wrong just because he’s on your team, and stubbornly insisting that the Tea Party is all about race when it’s obviously about taxes, just let them go. Let them all go.
You don’t have to save the world. In fact, no one wants you to.