Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 11.02.11 12:00 pm

Jesus Christ, it’s 2011 and Jezebel still doesn’t have anything better to do than worry about fucking Family Guy?

Jesus Christ, it’s 2011 and Jezebel still doesn’t have anything better to do than worry about fucking Family Guy?

Hey Rip Van Dyke, it’s the 21st century – Even Ani Difranco is married with kids!

Wake up and smell the penis: Gay marriage is legal, and the heyday of your feminist rage went out with re-runs of “A Different World.”

I’d like to tear Jezebel a new asshole, but after all the assholes I’ve torn them over the years, I can’t bear to do it again. Can’t someone else do it?

Yes, someone can: my biological brother. He’s a real writer, but more importantly, he has the patience to analyze this shit. I’m old and I can’t get it up.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my brother, Nick Edmund:

In last week’s Family Guy, Quagmire’s sister Brenda and her abusive spouse Jeff come to town, setting the table for jokes on a fresh, taboo subject. While the episode featured more than its share of shock-value, it was also funny and overtly satirical, both towards the abuser and the abused: Jeff wants Brenda to work over 100 hours a week so he can buy “motor oil and wallet chains,” while Brenda downplays a black eye by noting “how gentle Jeff hits me when we’re alone.”

I can’t say I was surprised to learn that this post had appeared on Jezebel the next morning, condemning the episode as “seriously awful” and hitting a “horrible new low,” essentially calling for the castration of whoever wrote it. The author was SO mad, in fact, that I looked forward to clicking around to digest the internet shitstorm she seemed to think it merited.

First, I checked the Twitter feed of Alec Sulkin, the writer of the episode and arguably the funniest person online, who has proven himself eager to acknowledge wrongdoing when he’s taken it too far. After posting an admittedly insensitive tweet about the Japanese Tsunami, he owned up and took it down, sending out an apology immediately afterward. As of this post, he has made no mention of the latest Family Guy episode.

Fox hasn’t made an apology either – They didn’t even preface the show with a disclaimer. Keep in mind that this is a network that has made every attempt not to offend our quinoa-fed, PC asses. Remember those tornadoes that raped the south last spring? Fox was planning on running an Animation Domination crossover special about a hurricane that Saturday. Instead, they pushed the special back to October, when we had forgotten all about the disaster and resumed speculation as to who’d be next to get to suck on Kim Kardashian’s fat tits.

So what’s the problem? The answer is that there isn’t one. Jezebel is like Wendy’s: They’s just lookin’ for the beef.

It’s in Jezebel’s best interest to make an issue out of nothing. That’s what gets the views, and by extension, the monies. And while this appears to be a successful business model, it occasionally gets them fucked in the ass by the studded cock of hubris:

You might remember that “story” they broke in 2010 about the Daily Show’s alleged mistreatment of its female employees. Long story short, the entire female staff sent out an open letter that not only denied the allegations, but literally told them to go fuck themselves.

The issue with these sensationalist, knee-jerk articles is not that they’re misleading (which they are), but the environment that they create. Networks know that the blogosphere is watching their every move, and one thread is all it takes to ignite a firestorm of controversy. The networks have no choice but to take every conceivable measure to cover their asses, leaving us to suffer the safe, bland programming they serve up.

The end result? The atrocious, edgy-as-my-left-nut “Two and a Half Men” is the number one show in America. Because of pitchfork chuckers like Jezebel’s Whitney Jefferson, a shit stain named Angus is making three hundred thousand dollars an episode.

Our only hope against these forces determined to deprive us of our funny are visionaries like Seth MacFarlane. This is an individual that had to fight to get control of his ideas, shielding them from the corrupting influence of the networks so we might enjoy ourselves for twenty-two minutes a week. Guys like him and Louis C.K., that maintain agency in the face of manipulation, are the only people that make T.V. watchable.

Shame on Jezebel for throwing them under the bus.

Nick Edmund

  1. Brock Samson says:

    I totally forgot what the article said when I got to the part about Seth McFarlane being a visionary.

  2. ruth buzzi says:

    seth m. really needs to come out of the closet.

  3. Nate says:

    Never read Jezebel until now. I take it there’s no sandwich recipes or tips on making a good scotch for your man after his hard day at the office?

  4. 6h057 says:

    What I don’t understand is why there’s a need to link to Jezebel. I know the site is terrible. That’s just an invitation to see something I’ll never be able to unlearn. I mean, I’m still trying to get over seeing Gavin piss in his cornflakes.

  5. maurice del taco says:

    seth macfarlane is a closet-case, and family guy has been fucking awful for years, surpassed only by simpsons.

  6. raymes says:

    One could argue that they are actually helping shine awareness on spousal abuse, fucking feminists.

  7. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or Something says:

    Stewie is the best!

  8. kure kure takora says:

    Family guy’s terribleness is only matched by jezebel’s navel gazing bitching about everything and being generally awful to read.

    I think the last thing I read on Jezebel before I put it in the “Do not read ever” list was the American Apparel criticism video post of a chubby girl putting on awful combinations of clothes that didn’t fit and therefore proclaiming that the company was misogynistic and trash, and that was like what, five years ago?

  9. duh says:

    i was on board until the comparison of macfarlane to louis ck. family guy is for 6th graders, and southpark closed the book on them.

  10. Family Guy has always sucked.

  11. Name says:

    Good grief I accidentally got sucked into the Jezebel vortex for like an hour a couple years ago and I swear I could smell the fat rolls and sweaty menstruation from my computer screen.
    What a fucking wasteland of sad hairy cunts…….and Jezebel sux too.

  12. A Cunt-inuing Source of Inspiration says:

    South Park essentially neutered Family Guy a a few seasons back.

  13. (not published or required) says:

    fuuuuuuuuuuck family guy

  14. farts says:

    family guy isn’t funny. sensationalism is a lazy way to get a laugh

  15. butters says:

    fuck family guy. its a twenty two minute circle jerk for everyone who thinks they’re too smart for two and a half men but still don’t “get” south park

  16. Vane$$a says:

    i will now truly discontinue reading jezebel.

  17. Devin says:

    Even if Family Guy isn’t the best, Jezebel really is the worst.

    Fun Fact For Commenters: In some interview I read, Louis CK said the only show he even watches is Family Guy.


  19. Lana says:

    I’ll never know why people still go crazy and get offended by shows like Family Guy and South Park. Haven’t both these shows been around like 10+ years?

  20. Me Pee Soon says:

    My brother drew me as a hentai sex slave having brutal intercourse with a young samurai that looked like his friend Hung Kow. These cartoons are not funny, believe me.

  21. ????????? says:

    As usual, Just a Normal Guy hits the nail on the head.

  22. Goat My Sampson says:

    @Me Pee Soon Can you scan those pix up on the net? and is anyone else laughing at the name Hung Kow? *high fives 8th graders*

  23. Matrick Swayze says:

    I rely on Jezebel to keep me informed on what to be offended about.

  24. Dadical says:

    “Our only hope against these forces determined to deprive us of our funny are visionaries like Seth MacFarlane,” he said in complete sincerity.

  25. hairy sheets says:

    i want to get drunk with you guys

  26. rosie O-D says:

    Even I don’t want to hang out with any of the writers from Jezebel. And I’m sure they’re sizzlin like bacon down there

  27. (not published or required) says:

    who in the fuck still reads jezebel?!?
    i thought everyone forgot it even existed

    pot psychology was the shit tho, back in the 00’s

  28. milky says:

    Family Guy and Louis C.K. are not even remotely close to being in the same realm. Family Guy isn’t funny, and neither is Seth Macfarlane (unless he’s reading jokes someone else wrote for him). Louis C.K. is a comedy great, one who will go down with the likes of George Carlin and Lenny Bruce. Why anyone would want to sully his name by including him with “visionaries” (more like he’s just visualizing his next paycheck for the garbage he puts on television) like Seth Macfarlane is beyond me.

    And no, I am not offended by the content of this episode or any episode of Family Guy. I am offended by how completely and utterly un-fucking-funny it is, and has been for a very long time.

  29. (not published or required) says:

    i smoke a loooooot of pot jst letting u guys kno. im listening to duke ellington, my flatmates passed out on the couch

  30. Chunk says:

    Without Moe and Tracie posting everyday, the site sucks.

  31. Chunk says:

    They’re a bunch of out-of-touch grannies who lose their shit over J. Crew cardigans.

  32. Gary says:

    Fuck family gay

  33. Anonymous says:

    Fuck Family Guy and Seth McFarlane. When’s Bob’s Burgers coming back? That’s the only good animated show on Fox.

  34. Komrade says:

    To counter all the McFarlane haters I’d like to add that I still get a chuckle or two out of family guy every now and then. By contrast, I lost interest in South Park around age 12. It’s the same hurfdurf scatological humor as family guy, but the *SUBTLE* libertarian propaganda tends to leech away the laughter for me.

Leave A Reply