Dear Lesley Arfin, Street Carnage, and Reality,
Last night, we saw you on the HBO show Girls and were dismayed to see your character was best buds with a “person of color.”
Our whole angle up to now has been hating on the show for not having any black people and when you mocked our indignation, we decided to single you out as the racist one. Later, when it became clear you’re not actually racist, we decided to reinvent the definition of the term, so now it’s “Hipster Racism” or “Ironic Racism.”
Now this. Shit. We were considering working in some kind of conspiracy doohickey where we said you stuffed in the scene later but nobody’s going to fall for that so we’re just going to have to go with reality—namely, we were wrong.
We are sorry we singled you out as the personification of modern racism. We know it loses people jobs and ruins careers but consider this: complaining about people who veer even one pubic hair from modern cultural orthodoxies is our bread and butter. We went deep into debt getting liberal-arts educations and spent hundreds of hours proving Star Wars is homophobic and that guitar solos are insensitive to indigenous peoples. When we graduated, nobody wanted to hear about it, so we got jobs at websites where other people with useless degrees can pretend it’s all relevant. Basically, if there isn’t racism lurking around every corner, we’re out of a job.
That’s the fucked-up part about all this. We WANT America to be a scary racist place where gays are hated by all and women are second-class citizens. When we hear a mob attacked a guy on St. Patrick’s day, we pray that it’s white-on-black. We don’t want to hear about that boring white couple in Knoxville who were raped, tortured, and dismembered. We want to hear about a vigilante who assassinates black kids or a white supremacist who randomly assassinates African Americans. When we found out the first guy was some kind of Peruvian Jew and the second guy was Cherokee, we were pissed.
If all the isms disappeared tomorrow, we’d invent new ones. It’s what we do. For a living. And if we couldn’t keep doing it, we’d be the ones out of a job. We hadn’t even considered that. God forbid anyone attack us for sloppy journalism and premature witch-hunting.
We’re sorry we put all our eggs in the “there are no people of color on Girls” basket, but if you want to get really real, it wasn’t because it was disingenuous or it fucked with your life. We’re sorry because it made us look foolish. Please know that we’ll be changing our angle to “There are not ENOUGH people of color in the show.” It has a lot less zing. but it keeps food on the table.
Max Read Andrea Plaid Dodai Stewart Lindy West
We would take this apology a lot more seriously if we hadn’t just totally fabricated it right now. However, even though it’s fake and not very sincere, we still don’t accept it. Which brings us to a much more important point…
What you really should be apologizing for is the environment you create for blacks in this country. How’s that for ironic racism? Turns out, YOU’RE the problem.
You have created a climate of fear where you keep telling black people that there is an invisible force field surrounding them at all times and no matter how hard they try, they will be greeted with nothing but failure. You keep telling them their skin color is a curse and all the education and hard work in the world ain’t going to change it. Nice pep talk, dicks.
Why work hard to get a show on HBO when there are a hundred articles out there saying it’s impossible? Why go to a job interview when the boss isn’t going to give you a chance? Why get out of bed? Why try?
Not only do you discourage success with this bullshit, you sow hatred. If all short, fat, white men were told they didn’t get into the NBA because of some secret unwritten rule, they wouldn’t just give up on basketball, they’d want revenge.
Once again, the crusaders for justice end up hurting the people they purport to help. You can apologize for that if you want, but it’s probably too late.