The slippery slope toward an ever more intrusive and totalitarian federal regime became even slipperier and slopier last Friday when a federal worker was issued a formal reprimand for excessive flatulence while on the job.
An unnamed worker at a Baltimore branch of the Social Security Administration, the government agency via which many able-bodied and somewhat able-minded Americans feign various physical and mental disabilities in exchange for quick cash, was accused of “conduct unbecoming a federal officer”—namely, lettin’ his assflaps rip at will and thereby creating a “hostile” work environment.
Prior to the formal reprimand, supervisors had on separate occasions spoken with the accused “in regards of your releasing of bodily gas in the module during work hours” and about his “continuous releasing of your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas.”
Despite repeatedly forcing unwilling coworkers to taste his ass, the worker feigned his own sort of disability, blaming his rude and slovenly habit on “some medical conditions” that rendered him unable to keep his rear haunches clenched until he could run into a bathroom, elevator, city bus, or municipal water fountain where most of his coworkers would not be tormented by his noxiously sulfuric anal fumes.
What is your opinion? Does the US Constitution specifically forbid public flatulence? Is this not a natural right? Or do you believe, as the famous saying goes, that “free speech ends the moment your ass hits my face?” Was Oliver Wendell Holmes correct when he said, “The First Amendment does not protect the right to fart in a crowded theater”? Or was Bob Dylan more on the right track—at least when it comes to international human rights and global social justice—when he sang in the early 1960s, “Wherever you be/Let the wind blow free”?
If they take away the right to fart, what goes next? The right to become pregnant while still in grade school? The Native Americans’ water rights? And what about the Jews?
Or is the government perhaps being too lenient in this and all such cases? Should public flatulence be a constitutionally protected right, or should it be a felony?