Posted by
Street Carnage
• 12.25.12 10:00 pm

The slippery slope toward an ever more intrusive and totalitarian federal regime became even slipperier and slopier last Friday when a federal worker was issued a formal reprimand for excessive flatulence while on the job.

An unnamed worker at a Baltimore branch of the Social Security Administration, the government agency via which many able-bodied and somewhat able-minded Americans feign various physical and mental disabilities in exchange for quick cash, was accused of “conduct unbecoming a federal officer”—namely, lettin’ his assflaps rip at will and thereby creating a “hostile” work environment.

Prior to the formal reprimand, supervisors had on separate occasions spoken with the accused “in regards of your releasing of bodily gas in the module during work hours” and about his “continuous releasing of your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas.”

Despite repeatedly forcing unwilling coworkers to taste his ass, the worker feigned his own sort of disability, blaming his rude and slovenly habit on “some medical conditions” that rendered him unable to keep his rear haunches clenched until he could run into a bathroom, elevator, city bus, or municipal water fountain where most of his coworkers would not be tormented by his noxiously sulfuric anal fumes.

What is your opinion? Does the US Constitution specifically forbid public flatulence? Is this not a natural right? Or do you believe, as the famous saying goes, that “free speech ends the moment your ass hits my face?” Was Oliver Wendell Holmes correct when he said, “The First Amendment does not protect the right to fart in a crowded theater”? Or was Bob Dylan more on the right track—at least when it comes to international human rights and global social justice—when he sang in the early 1960s, “Wherever you be/Let the wind blow free”?

If they take away the right to fart, what goes next? The right to become pregnant while still in grade school? The Native Americans’ water rights? And what about the Jews?

Or is the government perhaps being too lenient in this and all such cases? Should public flatulence be a constitutionally protected right, or should it be a felony?


  1. Carolynn says:

    It’s a tough call. I had to send a women home for a smelly snatch and it was one of the hardest things I had to do and humiliating for her. Of course I told her she had body odor but we all knew is was the snatch. She did come to work the next day all powdered up and smelling like a rose. When other people have to be subjected to offensive smells, you need to deal with it. Although the constitution does not protect workers from smelly snatches and other bodily offensives it damn well should. I’m going totalitarian on this one.

  2. MC Hammer says:

    Farting, like talking that isn’t work-related is a right, with completely arbitrary limits imposed from the top down. Until Law has made it so that installed Beaufort scales are on every government worker’s chair, an ambient methane meter is the only way to detect farts in toto. But that will not detect who farted and how much of the farting is done by any one person. So since it is extremely difficult to detect who’s farting, and as the Lutheran bible tells us “whoever smelt it dealt it”, I believe the time to implement fart rationing in public sector jobs is still ahead of us.

  3. Lester says:

    GO home and wash out the beavah

  4. Johnny says:

    I don’t actually think the constitution has a whole lot to do with this situation. If you tell your boss his wife is a whore (even if it’s true) are you covered under free speech? No your about to get fired. At some point this guy’s got to figure out his digestive track. We all let one past the goalie once in a while, but seriously, he’s got to go take a shit, maybe two … And not in his pants at his desk. Maybe the guy’s got to reconsider the jumbo order of jalapeño poppers for breakfast. I know if I sat in the cube next to him, it wouldn’t take long before I was the next youtube workplace rage guy jumping over his desk with a paper wait to beat the last breath/fart out of him.

    One warning and a trip to the doctor and if that doesn’t take, you’re fired. Unfortunately, this one will probably cost the tax payers a shitload.

  5. Mccaf says:

    ^^^Proof our society is fucked beyond belief. Aaand I don’t think Goad was serious about the constitutional right to cropdust the office…it’s more about how petty and intrusive the gov. is to even issue such a reprimand and reflective of a society that produces slobs unable/unwilling to control bodily functions.

Leave A Reply