Due to overwhelming public demand, I’ve decided to reveal my 6 Top Secret Secrets of Financial Success.
1. Get a good start. Many potentially successful entrepreneurs never make it because they failed to coordinate their objectives with the aspirations of the women who were supposed to give birth to them. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably made it out of the womb in one piece, so kudos on not being aborted, but getting born is only the first step.
Spina bifida, pre-natal crack addiction, and ambiguous genitalia are but a few of the obstacles you may encounter on the path to prosperity. Even if you manage to tiptoe through the minefield of birth defects and lousy genes, there’s still no guarantee you won’t be born in one of the world’s many shitholes or stuck with a family of screw-ups who can’t teach you the value of hard work and sage investment because they don’t have a fucking clue themselves.
Fortunately, all of the above can be overcome by having the right attitude and being prepared when opportunity knocks. A friend of mine who is borderline retarded was raised by a pair of depressed and neglectful alcoholics. He made his first million at 22 by selling boat insurance to members of his grandfather’s yacht club. The importance of positive thinking can’t be underestimated.
2. Don’t be too smart. Richard Branson never finished high school. Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Steve Jobs were all college dropouts. As a long-standing maxim has it, after university the B-students end up working for the Cs while the As get stuck teaching school (which explains why academics try so hard to convince us that corporate America is a racist, sexist hellhole).
Contrary to modern myth, building a business is less a matter of brilliant ideas and innovative strategy than it is of adapting to routine, sticking to what’s worked in the past, and paying attention to mundane details. This means sitting in meetings with boring assholes, counting the paperclips, making sure the tomatoes have been ordered and the quarterly reports are delivered on time—all stuff that makes highly intelligent people want to drill holes through their own skulls.
If you suffer from a high IQ and the corresponding delusion that you’re too smart to get caught up in the rat race, try to remember that Intelligence is like height, an attribute you did nothing to deserve and therefore have no reason to get all uppity about. Keep your head down and maybe no one will notice what a loser you are.
3. Or too good-looking. Money isn’t everything. There is, however, no better substitute for a lack of charm, talent, physical attractiveness, and /or balls. Falling short in almost any desirable quality will usually incite the same insatiable hunger for material success that a starving, brainsick dog has for its own feces. Embrace it. That hunger is your power.
4. Don’t punch your clients/partners in the face. This one may seem obvious, but one day you’ll be stuck in a meeting with some obnoxious little turd and find yourself thinking, “this cocksucker is just begging me to dive across the table and jam my gold-tipped Montblanc Meiserstück fountain pen into his fucking eyeball.” This isn’t always a bad idea, but before you act, take a moment to look around and make sure the only witnesses are your useless, overpaid employees.
5. Pucker up. Spend a little time with the super-rich and you quickly realize that their world is an endless daisy-chain of ass-kissing. Millionaires suck up to multi-millionaires who suck up to billionaires, all in the hope of getting more people to suck up to them. Ass-kissing isn’t just a way of life for these people, it’s an art form. When you take your place at the back of the line, remember that the key is to avoid being obvious. Try saying things like “I don’t want to sound like an ass-kisser, but I really admire your ability to see through all the bullshit.”
6. Expect the unexpected. If you can do all of the above and avoid cancer, plane crashes, nightclub shootings, being run over by a car, and all this other crazy shit, opening a chain of taco stands should be a walk in the park. You’ll still have to work hard and make good choices, so pay attention to what people like this guy have to say. Just do us all a favor when you do make it big and try not to forget that the reason you have choices in the first place is, more than anything else, a matter of luck.