Posted by
Robbie Dillon
• 03.06.13 09:00 am

Every 0.00002 seconds, a heterosexual male walks up to a semi-attractive woman somewhere in North America and asks if she will let him put his penis into her mouth and/or vagina.

For the vast majority of these men, the only response to their propositions will be a humiliating rejection.

Many of these unfortunate souls will be stigmatized. They will be labeled as creeps or douchebags. Others will be slapped across the face with total impunity. Nobody knows how many white-wine spritzers have been poured over the heads of horny straight men, but the best estimates run into the millions of gallons.

These men didn’t ask to be straight. It isn’t a choice for them. As Lady Gaga so eloquently put it: Baby, they were born that way. And yet they are regularly ridiculed and degraded simply because they dare to express their sexuality.

Believe it or not, they’re the lucky ones.

In those cases where the women in question are accompanied by boyfriends or big brothers named Frankie, there is a strong likelihood that in addition to being verbally abused, many of these men will be violently assaulted, beaten to a bloody pulp, and even killed.

This epidemic of “straight-bashing” is so widespread that many men have been forced into the shadows. They deny their deepest feelings in order to “pass” in everyday society. Rather than just asking for the sex they are genetically programmed to seek out, they pretend to be polite, buy flowers, and suffer through excruciating movies where British women in big poofy dresses work themselves into a tizzy because Baron Mummenfraucher has decided not to attend the ball.

How much longer will straight men be forced to live a lie? When will this pervasive climate of fear and oppression be lifted, allowing them to celebrate their sexuality as openly as gays, lesbians, and transgendered people do?

Some day, straight men will be able to climb up on parade floats festooned with banners that read: I ❤ BIG TITS without being demonized as sexist pigs, and little boys will be able to walk up to little girls and say “I think you’re pretty” without being told that they’re promoting rape culture.

Until that day comes, all we can do is dream.

And masturbate.

A lot.




  1. RED says:

    My wife used to work in fashion PR. About half the guys were gays and if they were horny they’d get up from their desk and walk out on to the street for a blow job (this is in Chelsea NYC). She didn’t think it was a big deal but I couldn’t get over it. For them, going to get a blow job from a stranger in the middle of the afternoon, in an alley, was the same as going to get a burger. Those lucky fucking bastards.

  2. nacirema says:

    Best article ever.

  3. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read the article and comment. Always appreciated. It’s always a nice feeling to know that you’ve connected with someone through something you’ve written. Thanks. Robbie

  4. Mark says:

    This is a joke, right? I’ve made probably 1500 sexual advances in my 30 years, and not once was I made to feel inferior. Well, maybe a few times, but it wasn’t a big deal.

  5. Chapter After says:

    good stuff

  6. zbow says:

    Shooter McGavin looks great.

  7. Mccaf says:

    killin it..homos bitch and moan so much about being discriminated against nowadays that they’re really starting to act like faggots. they don’t realize, or pretend not to, the ease with which they getsum is envied by straight men everywhere.

  8. Ecgtheow says:

    Pretty much. I didn’t have a white wine spritzer poured on me, she just filed a harassment claim with HR two months after I took her to dinner and drove her home at 1am after we had sex at my place. When I didn’t lose my job (thanks Truth), she made more shit up. Going on six months without bonin’. And frankly, it ain’t worth the BS to make it happen.

  9. nagger city says:


  10. samwell says:

    There are still a few enclaves for unashamed heterosexual behavior, such as Spring break, backpacker bars and Brazil.

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