Posted by
John Pittsley
• 11.27.17 09:23 pm

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Thank god, the government invented the internet. Without it, jerking-off would be more of a chore and less of a joy for young men going through puberty. They wouldn’t be able to find emotionally damaged goddesses, with only a click of the mouse, to abuse themselves to. They’d have to hunt down one of those weird magazine things with articles. Or, regularly beat it to a chick they knew and run the risk of developing a crush. Most men probably wouldn’t even discover whatever disgusting kink they would normally hold dear to their hearts and hide from friends and family, either. We’d even be stuck with our dicks in our hands when it came to the news, too.

If it weren’t for the internet, we wouldn’t be able to get our news for free in an entertaining way from any ol’ schmuck sitting at home on his computer. Whoever actually gave a shit about staying informed would have to watch the nightly news or pay for a fucking newspaper. Luckily, we’re not still stuck with all that bullshit and can stay educated by getting our news any way we want. Unfortunately, it’s also seriously fucked one of the most important days of the year in America and it may never be the same again.

Black Friday used to be the most special time of the year in this country. Some racist losers tend to think Christmas is, confused patriots will usually go with the 4th, and plain ol’ retards end up saying Thanksgiving is. What these shit heads must not realize is those holidays are all celebrated by foreigners in other countries. Maybe not the 4th but that one is kind of a forced holiday, sorta like celebrating your 31st wedding anniversary. But can you think of anything less American than celebrating the other holidays as the best time in America?

Christmas I can kind of understand because of all the presents but Thanksgiving? What the fuck? The Canucks even have one of those and it sucks major balls.

Black Friday on the other hand is a special time, when people are supposed to get together in sleet or snow and wait in organized lines outside malls and stores for the chance to stampede one another and smash the living crap out of each other’s heads over killer deals for the holidays. It used to be bonkers and a hell of a spectacle for viewers at home. That’s all changing now because of the internet.

People aren’t really leaving their thanksgiving meals early to stand in long lines or camping out with strangers to beat the living fuck out of them over a TV anymore. They’re staying home with their families and looking for deals on the world-wide web. How gay is that? Some pieces of shit aren’t even hunting for bargains while ignoring their families in the other room. There are tons of assholes doing all this shopping with their mobile phones, on the way to work. And, online businesses aren’t even limiting their killer deals to one day only anymore!

The attack on our nation’s holiday all started with the incredibly sensual and inappropriately named Cyber Monday. As the assault built steam and grew momentum, it turned into an entire weekend. Now, after retailers have tried to beat one another to sales, it’s stretched all through the month of November.

Department stores are practically ghost towns now and all the pussies who would rather shop from the comfort of their own home don’t even need to do it all in one day anymore. What used to be the quintessential American holiday, that showed we actually gave a shit about consumerism and capitalism, has finally gotten its ass ripped open by it and hopefully someday it will be reconstructed.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


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