Posted by
Kyria Abrahams
• 11.15.12 11:00 am


Everyone these days is talking about WATERMARKS.

I know. It sounds like a tool you could use to make sure someone with herpes doesn’t drink from your glass, but, actually, did you know that a watermark has nothing to do with water? This is one of the many facts you will learn today in All About Watermarks.

To continue, it’s really important to put watermarks on your photos because you are awesome and totally the best. I saw nine of your photos in W magazine yesterday, especially the one you took of your cat with red eyes from the on-camera flash. They published that one twice. Hey, did you know? Every photo that has ever been put online has been stolen and then reprinted for massive profit without the photographer ever knowing. Every single one. This is another fact.

Thank you for reading. All About Watermarks is part of the ALL ABOUT series, funded in part by the CHUBB Corporation and by viewers like you.

Get! To! Watermarking!

You see, when five pairs of boots get together and they all love each other very, very, much, sometimes they give each other a special kiss. And then, the broken wicker basket of love pukes up a baby. I’d give you this photo to illustrate the concept, but it is watermarked. And by someone who specializes in ARTISTRY no less. My, my!

I’m watermarking the SHIT out of this photo, peoples. Because FUCKING MOTHER RUSSIA in your anus, Americans! Dumbin’ your fucking face holes for fucking time! You heard me!  Not only that, I’m making an exceedingly creepy 5-second video out of it.

You will watch it. LAM-brooo Coo-ca-vee-che-olly.

(Eric Wareheim, is that you?)

Dammit! That’s the last time partially-colored-dog-in-a-frame-inside-a-frame.com steals one of my partially colored dogs in a frame inside a Photoshopped frame and doesn’t credit me for it! It’s time to get serious. Watermark serious. Buying a gun.

My, what a lovely photo of a candle from CVS that just happens to have the photographer’s name on the glass jar. I wonder what scent it is? Pinecone and lime, I hope! I must steal it to use in Vogue magazine today! Here I am putting this candle in Vogue. I am Anna Wintour. I’m not really, but I could be! And this has been a lesson in properly watermarking your photos. Protect yourself and your loved ones!

Surreal Illusions. Neither surreal, nor an illusion. A man in an orange jumpsuit holding a push broom. WATERMARK IT!

In this case, I’m grateful for that watermark. Could you make it bigger? And jet-black?

Baby Watermarked Through the Face disease is no laughing matter. It kills. This baby is dead. Don’t let BWTF win. Watermark through pacifiers only. End the silence.

Fun Photography! Fun and TONS of it! Aren’t you having fun, baby? Look at that smile on that happy happy baby! Man-oh-man, that laugh! Another satisfied customer of FUN PHOTOGRAPHY! Remember that name! What’s that name again? The name of the game is FUN! Try not to smile so much kiddo, you’re a-makin’ me a-nervous!

Another satisfied customer of Watermarks®™! You see, two years ago, Sweaty Fried Chicken and Armpits Magazine tried to use this photo without crediting the artist. Thankfully, Watermarks®™ were there!

Watermarks. My friend, and yours. Play safely. With watermarks.

 

—KYRIA ABRAHAMS

 


Comments
  1. Nathan says:

    How can I get a subscription to Sweaty Fried Chicken and Armpits Magazine?

  2. Billy says:

    Heheh, my photos are MUCH better.

  3. Nigel Cavendish says:

    This is awesome.

  4. Claudia says:

    Well, I guess I better keep my boots on cause I don’t want to be gifted with a cute baby in a basket. Love your article!!

  5. Hornblower's Ghost says:

    Knockin’ boots has been scientifically proven to lead to kids in a basket nine months later.

  6. M. David Enriquez says:

    “Baby Watermarked Through the Face disease is no laughing matter. It kills. This baby is dead. Don’t let BWTF win. Watermark through pacifiers only. End the silence.”

    That’s not funny! All watermarks are sacred!!!

  7. brendan donnelly says:

    hahah, so good

  8. “Life’s Memories… completely wiped out because we just plastered our logo on your babies face.”

  9. Cheese Tech says:

    I seriously thought that was a tribute for some cult.
    Like, her’s a baby head and some cowboy boots.

  10. anne-onymous says:

    ha i lol’d

  11. Anonymous says:

    Best writer on sbc now…


Leave A Reply