Posted by
• 10.27.12 11:02 am

So, I’m listening to Howard Stern the other day and they decide to call up Gary the Retard AND Wendy the Retard at the same time to ask them about Ann Coulter’s retard quote. 

The press is saying Wendy endorsed the Tweet on Stern because she’s pro-Romney but that’s not what I heard. The host started out the segment by calling Coulter a loudmouth without a trace of irony and then asked Wendy and Gary what they thought. I got the feeling they wanted the couple to condemn Coulter even though this same show had stuck them with the name “retard.” Wendy ignored the interviewer and started telling Gary she just finished watching a horror movie. He said he doesn’t like those things because they’re too scary. Wendy then laughed and said she’s used to it. Gary then yelled, “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO!” That’s what retards think of language policing but we’re told they’re all very hurt by Ann’s callous language. I call bullshit.

When I got home, I opened up my diary and wrote this about it…


The Language Police Are Retarded

After the last presidential debate, many conservatives were disappointed in Romney. Bill O’Reilly had said this was Mitt’s chance to put the final nail in Obama’s coffin but that he blew it by letting Barack walk all over him. Others felt Romney showed presidential composure while the president acted like a goofy teen with lines such as, “The 80s called. They want their foreign policy back” and “We have these things called aircraft carriers.” Ann Coulter summarized this defense of Romney immediately after the election when she said, “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.”

This caused predictable indignation from Obama supporters, Coulter detractors, and even one person with Down syndrome. Special Olympics athlete John Franklin Stephens came out with a letter claiming she had retardation totally wrong and it was actually a “wonderful gift.” (Santa was unavailable for comment, but I’m guessing he doesn’t get a lot of requests for chromosome 21.)

Unlike the shrill banshees who use the disadvantaged to further their own agendas, I actually know some mentally handicapped people. I’ve done videos with them and even had them edit an issue of my old magazine. My experience has been that they couldn’t care less about politics and are much more interested in TV shows, “partying,” being nice, cowboys, race cars, and eating cupcakes. Only a total retard thinks Stephens wasn’t at least a little coerced into writing that letter. It’s depressing enough to watch NPR trot out blacks who have been trained to pretend they care about things such as Kwanzaa, but seeing people use the mentally handicapped to further their own political cause is disturbing.

The whole thing is reminiscent of the time Special Olympics Chairman Timothy Shriver claimed he was “assaulted” by the comedy Tropic Thunder. The film parodies actors who go for cheap tears and easy Oscars by pretending to be handicapped. “Never go full retard,” said one idiotic actor to another, but the subtlety was lost on Shriver (who is, technically, not retarded at all) and before you know it, signs that said, “WE HAVE ABILITIES NOT DISABILITIES” were handed to the disabled and the studios capitulated. The Special Olympics got a new pulpit and became one step closer to having the kind of authority the NAACP has. What I find particularly infuriating about this particular case is the scene in the film was an attack on those who take advantage of the sympathy people feel for those with disabilities. Then, Shriver takes advantage of them by telling them they were insulted. Now they’re getting a retard insult that wasn’t there in the first place. How retarded is that?

I’ve worked with Justin Theroux, coauthor of Tropic Thunder’s screenplay, and the guy is such a sensitive lefty I wouldn’t be surprised if he lets mosquitoes bite him. His motives for the scene were about as politically correct as it gets. I also know Ann Coulter, and her motives for her quote were clear. (I realize there’s a lot of name-dropping in this piece, but 15 years in media will do that.) She was using rude words to insult the president. Almost every time a fellow New Yorker finds out I fraternize with the Devil they say, “How much of what she says is just for shock value?”

I respond, “What exact quote are you talking about?”

They never have an answer so I’m forced to break the silence with, “Ann talks in public the way we all talk in private.” If you had said her “retard” quote to a liberal in a bar that night, he wouldn’t pretend to be offended by the word. He’d be offended by the insult and say, “Obama’s not being a retard. He’s kicking your boy Romney’s ass, you fucking fag!” That’s how we talk when we’re not scared of having our words twisted by strangers. Why can’t Ann Coulter talk the same way we all talk? She doesn’t go up to the mentally handicapped and say, “Hiya, retard.” Nobody does. When I tell people that “nigger” is a swear word they always say, “Yeah, well, would you go up to a black guy and say it to his face?” Not if I didn’t know him, but I also wouldn’t walk up to an old lady and yell “cunt” in her face.


  1. aesk47 says:

    I’m so fucking tired of your “conservative” stance. While i do agree with you that we don’t give a fuck if someone says the word “retard” or “nigger” or “conservative fuckbuckets”, that whole us against liberalism shtick is getting really old. Liberalism is what gives you the platform to express your “conservative” opinions. Do you really think a “conservative” driven media/world would constitute a heaven for freedom of speech and controversial opinions??? That’s just plain old retarded! Tabarnack!

  2. Jim Goad says:


    Since I don’t identify as “liberal” or “conservative,” I’ll handle this one.

    A couple generations ago, yes, it was the “conservatives” who were policing speech. That doesn’t seem to be the pattern these days.

    Are you trying to deny that that overwhelming majority of speech-related censorship scandals these days aren’t tied to liberals getting offended? How many athletes were banned from the Olympics for “conservative” Tweets? I could point to at least a couple who were banned for Tweeting things that offended “liberal” sensibilities.

    I did a magazine in 1994 that went on trial and became a huge free-speech issue in Washington state because some college liberals got offended. Unless you can point to personally being put on trial by the government over what you wrote due to “conservatives” getting offended, the evidence strongly suggests you don’t have a fucking point.

  3. Shout Bits says:

    “but I also wouldn’t walk up to an old lady and yell “cunt” in her face.”

    What a surprising and pleasant example of personal growth.

  4. TK-1 says:

    My uncle grew up with a retarded brother and calls him retard. My liberal friends were horrified by him and I told him as much. He said “have you noticed there ain’t a lot of retards around?” I had noticed that and he said “it’s because your friends killed them all.” My uncle is a Catholic who would is against abortion no matter what. Whether you agree with that or not we all should agree that pro-choice people who actively abort downs babies are not allowed to criticize us for using the word. You’re not allowed to be sanctimonious about a group of people when you participate in their genocide.

  5. Gavin says:

    It is definitely the liberals who are policing the language the most these days but in the piece I talk about (conservative) Rush Limbaugh being chastised by Palin for using retard and Rahm Emanuel got in shit for calling liberals “fucking retards.” The beauty of being a libertarian is you don’t care who’s doing the censorship. You don’t want any politician or pundit telling us what we can say.

  6. RED says:

    Timothy Shriver is to retards what Al Sharpton is to blacks. Neither give a shit about the group they defend. Shriver was so thrilled to be consulted for that shitty movie Ringer that he let them do whatever retard jokes they wanted. The movie contains the line “that guy is the Deion Sanders of retards” but Shriver was empowered so he didn’t give a shit.

  7. Anonymous says:

    when’s someone gonna just say it? it’s tough living on this planet!

  8. lee says:

    Lee here again with an anecdote. I worked briefly with two middle aged adults with autism who acquired the ability to speak in their twenties (yes, that is a 20 year developmental delay). For decades both were labelled and treated as “retards”. They dislike the term.

  9. froosh says:

    your’e a fucking retard if you think self identified ‘liberals’ are the only people opting for termination when faced with that prenatal diagnosis.

    Coulter’s got mean-girl cuntiness in spades, and her shitty politics reflect that, but I bet she’d be real fun to drink with.

  10. pfft says:

    The older and richer you get the better you get at using your IQ to manipulate people to protect your own interests/money. Nice one Gavin.

  11. anne-onymous says:

    I think aesk47 is retarded, but they are entitled to have an opinion.

  12. CJ says:

    Corky fighting the power is my favorite TV clip of all time, and I thank you for giving me a reason to watch it today.
    Oh yeah, and great column. Even though you’re apparently just protecting your own interests/money…um, somehow or other.

  13. CJ says:

    And an anecdote of my own… A girl I dated for a while had a 4 year old who was retarded, and she often called her her “little retard.” She was a loving, protective mom and she said it with obvious affection. She figured the kid was going to get teased and hear it a lot, and wanted to steal the taunt’s power from it. I thought it was incredible cute, and probably the coolest thing about that chick.

  14. CJ says:

    *incredibly. Jeez, what a retarded mistake.

  15. Trevor Bell says:

    I’m glad I am not on TV or radio…These so called language police are pissing me off…Retard used to me a term of endearment…Well thank god for the internet…Just waiting for that shoe to drop too…Governments don’t like this much freedom…ask China…

    Keep up the good work Gavin. I don’t read much but I will buy How to P**s in Public

  16. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    Just the thought of pasty, sweaty middle manager businessmen pulling down their suit pants and whacking off to Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh seems to be,…what’s the word that I’m searching for here?…. RETARDED!

  17. Zippy says:

    In the old days , Howard would take Gary the Retard to a Mitt Romney speech and have him throw his feces at him. Now he’s too old and lazy to leave the studio. Sigh.

  18. Randy Lahey says:

    I had sex with Wendy the Retard’s sister. They both used to come into my work all the time and we eventually bumped uglies because her sister was pretty cute.

  19. Chapter After says:

    I went from moderately above average intelligence to “full retard” after reading this and my head exploded somewhere in the middle of the comments.


  20. Mccaf says:

    @chapter after u may not be retarded but you’re definitely a douche
    I love how special interest groups (typically liberal) get “offended”
    by something their opponents say to shutdown any reasoned
    Discussion that threatens their status and/or moneyed interests

  21. Anonymous says:

    @Mccaf, way to project onto adolescent jokes. i love how people cling to half gassed opinions to the point where they interpret any data as an excuse to blearggh!

  22. Shirley says:

    So if liberals are The Word Police, then are conservatives the Gesture Police?

    Case in point; the huge shit bomb that splattered all over the media about what a disrespectful itchy pee-hole Joe Biden was for “chuckling” and “rolling his eyes” while Paul Ryan was spewing unsubstantiated diarrhea out of his toothy meat hole.

  23. Churf says:

    Who’s the chick?

  24. Trevor Bell says:

    I know you’re busy but update your shit

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