Posted by
John Pittsley
• 08.24.15 04:24 pm

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Indigenous people are some of the most intolerable pussies on the planet. I’m not talking about ‘Native Americans’, South African blacks, or aborigines. Though I’m sure they’re insufferable too. I’m talking about people who were born and raised in U.S. cities and have never left.

Locals can be helpful with directions and making sure your film has authentic accents. Other than that they’re a bunch of cry babies who think they know it all. They’re always complaining about how the city is changing and it’s not just with gentrification either. The city “isn’t what it used to be” and “is going down the tubes”, to them. They claim to love the city but all they really care about is letting you know they’re from the city and know it better than you.

The idea someone might know their city better than them is terrifying to a local. Even if it’s someone who grew up there or has lived there longer. Someone who claims to know the city is the natural enemy of a born and breed city dweller. The irony of it all is they don’t often know more than you could possibly know about the city. They might be great with directions but they tend to be the shits with everything else. They can give you a half-assed history lesson about their neighborhood, but when it comes to a good bar or place to get a burger, their favorite place is some ancient shit hole that’s barely staying in business. You would think their shitty idea of a great place to “grab a slice,” is a way of fucking with you, but it’s actually a result of their inability to try anything new and desperately trying to hold onto the past like a little baby with his binky.

Being raised in the city gives locals an unrivaled knowledge of the streets, but even getting directions from them can be a hassle. If you ask a local for directions, you better be prepared to hear every single imaginable route you could possibly take. After they give you the first route, say “thanks” and run away. If you don’t, they’ll spend hours trying to show you how well they know the different streets and avenues by naming every single one of them. It’s even worse if there are two of them when you ask. Then, they start going back and forth, trying to outdo one another with ridiculous directions that don’t make any sense.

Even when it comes to movies they act like a bunch of baby cunts. When making a film based in a specific city, it’s best to make sure the accents aren’t off target. If they are, the whole film could be rendered unwatchable. So, it’s essential you cast actors who can pull off a decent accent. Or better yet, actors from the area. But a local can’t watch a movie based in their home-city unless it stars them and their buddies. You’ll see this with every film based in Boston. Even if it was written by and stars kids from the area, “true locals” will say the accents aren’t authentic enough and the kids would get their asses kicked, if they showed their faces in that part of town. Who cares? It’s a movie and they’re actors, you can’t suspend your belief for an hour or so? The idea that Matt Damon can’t make a film based in Boston because he doesn’t know Minnie’s Laundry used to be Sal’s Sandwich Shop, is fucking retarded.

The most infuriating thing about these unaware assholes is how much they love to rag on small-towns and the “inbred townies” who inhabit them. What these dolts don’t realize is they ARE townies. It may not be some podunk town they’re from, but it’s the same mindset. Anything new or foreign “ain’t what the city is about” and they’d prefer if tourists and vacationers on extended stay would get the hell out. But whenever they hear someone’s from out of town, their eyes light up and they put on some strange minstrel show to confirm the out-of-towner’s assumptions about the city.

Somehow, city locals have gotten a reputation for being badass motherfuckers who know the city like the back of their hand. When in reality, they’re a bunch of insecure cry babies who hardly ever leave their neighborhood. They love to give people shit for not being able to hack it in the big city. Meanwhile, they have a humongous safety net of 15 to 20 people living downstairs or around the block from them. It may seem like a cool idea to mingle with them, but they’re basically just there for the tourists’ amusement.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. OogaBooga says:

    Ha ha. I like it.

  2. RandomDude says:

    I think this happens just about everywhere now. You would think in cities people could careless about an “outsider” or tourist. I don’t get why people find it so intimidating to see new people. Unfortunately, I have lived in a small town for 4 years too long and cant wait to get back to a city. Small town bullshit people are 10X worse. Yes, they try to act like they known everything but their passive aggressive, inferiority complex, and just straight low IQ is even worse in a small town. Its ok though because while their in their small town or city Ill be traveling. I like diversity and new stuff its where you learn. You kinda wonder what would happen if they took all that energy trying to convince you they know everything about nothing into something actually constructive. Its whatever I dont give a fuck about them.

  3. Huffpostchick87 says:

    Those townies are the big market equivalent to red necks and hill billies. Your run of the mill low lifes-

  4. coco higgins says:

    Church-felt it happening to me, had ta get out

  5. John Thomas says:

    Liked it. Have you ever noticed that when your trying to get directions in a rural area, no one actually knows what the real names of the roads are? Still can’t remember the names of 2 of the 4 roads that border the farm I grew up on.

  6. nacirema says:

    They’ll leave you alone if you leave them alone.

  7. Dream(On)land says:

    Come to Pittsburgh, where people actually think that it is a wonderfully beautiful and progressive city because we have good sports teams and people put cole slaw and French fries on their sammiches. hahaha


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