Four Loko is dangerous. My friend Tucker claims it has “psychotropic effects.” Another friend simply named it “psycho slut juice.”
Four Loko is dangerous. My friend Tucker claims it has “psychotropic effects.” Another friend simply named it “psycho slut juice.” It gave me heart palpitations for two days, and I’m pretty sure it’s single-handedly responsible for the “We are out of Emergency Contraception Pills” sign at every pharmacy below 14th Street. Shit is wild.
Four Lokos taste like Jolly Ranchers baked into rye bread and are 12% alcohol. Oh yeah, AND it’s caffeinated. The guarana and taurine help out too ‘cause apparently you metabolize alcohol faster with them, or something. To top it all off, this elixir of evil also contains wormwood, the psychoactive ingredient in absinthe. Yeah, Four Loko is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Even though Four Loko tastes like a pussy drink, it will ruin your life. So, in honor of the most triflin’ bodega beverage in existence, here are recipes for four ways to do a Four Loko.
(All photos by Sam Branman)
1. CHERRY BERRY MINT LEMONADE
3 parts Lemonade Four Loko
1 part black cherry juice
2 tablespoons strawberry, chopped
3-4 sprigs of mint
1 strawberry, garnish
Throw in the mint and the chopped strawberry, then pour in the Four Loko. Muddle with a butter knife, or if you’re fancy and have an actual herb muddler, use that. Top the rest off with cherry juice, stir and sip. If you want to get real high-falutin’, slice a strawberry halfway diagonally and slide it onto the rim. Look at you, princess.
FINAL VERDICT: Crisp, cool, definitely a good way to start off the night. A nice little death wish of a summer treat.
GOOD FOR: Bitchmaids; your bitchy girlfriend.
2. LOKO LAGOON
2 parts Blue Raspberry Four Loko
1 part apricot juice or nectar
1 part Prometheus Elixirs (ginger lemon or pomegranate black pepper)
1 tablespoon chopped, dried red pepper
Fill a glass halfway with the Four Loko. Add the juice and the elixir. Stir and top with chopped pepper. Be careful of getting the chopped pepper caught in your throat. I thought I was going to die when I did.
FINAL VERDICT: Fruity, spicy and hard to drink too fast. The weird color made it look like swamp water. But the Lagoon was refreshing and energizing nonetheless.
GOOD FOR: People who like being slapped during sex; power bottoms.
3. PUNCH ROSEMARY RHUBARB
3 parts Fruit Punch Four Loko
1 part rhubarb-apple juice
1 spring rosemary
1 kiwi slice
In a glass, stir the Four Loko and rhubarb juice. Sprig of rosemary in the glass, kiwi slice on the rim. Done. Drink it.
FINAL VERDICT: This was probably the best one out of the group. The rosemary is what really made it. It was a good mix of aromatherapy, canned meth and ambitious mixology that helped the punch hit a home run. Seriously, this one is a repeat.
GOOD FOR: Classy boys and broads.
We all got bored after the punch rosemary, plus my old neighbors were getting grumpy, so we headed to the park.
Yeah, that’s a pitcher of Four Loko.
4. FOUR LOKO SANGRIA
1 can Grape Four Loko
1 1/2 cups pineapple juice
1 cup nectarine juice
1 cup chopped fruit (I used kiwis, strawberries, white peaches and plums)
Combine all in a pitcher. Mix well and serve with fruity bits floating in each cup.
FINAL VERDICT: Absolutely awesome, but definitely the most retarded version of sangria I have ever made. It tasted like children’s Tylenol mixed with Sour Patch Kids and death, which may or may not have been a bad thing.
GOOD FOR: Getting your mom wasted without her knowing; vegans.
They say you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife — but you can certainly dress her up like one, which is exactly what I did with Four Loko that night. The cocktails looked good and tasted good, but I still woke up feeling pretty bad. Oh, well. At least I survived. And on the bright side, my next cocktail experiment is with cheap champagne… yet another opportunity for good people, bad alcohol and worse decisions.