Posted by
Audrey JAPburn
• 08.20.10 10:00 am


Four Loko is dangerous. My friend Tucker claims it has “psychotropic effects.” Another friend simply named it “psycho slut juice.”

Four Loko is dangerous. My friend Tucker claims it has “psychotropic effects.” Another friend simply named it “psycho slut juice.” It gave me heart palpitations for two days, and I’m pretty sure it’s single-handedly responsible for the “We are out of Emergency Contraception Pills” sign at every pharmacy below 14th Street. Shit is wild.

Four Lokos taste like Jolly Ranchers baked into rye bread and are 12% alcohol. Oh yeah, AND it’s caffeinated. The guarana and taurine help out too ‘cause apparently you metabolize alcohol faster with them, or something. To top it all off, this elixir of evil also contains wormwood, the psychoactive ingredient in absinthe. Yeah, Four Loko is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Even though Four Loko tastes like a pussy drink, it will ruin your life. So, in honor of the most triflin’ bodega beverage in existence, here are recipes for four ways to do a Four Loko.


(All photos by Sam Branman)

1. CHERRY BERRY MINT LEMONADE
3 parts Lemonade Four Loko
1 part black cherry juice
2 tablespoons strawberry, chopped
3-4 sprigs of mint
1 strawberry, garnish

Throw in the mint and the chopped strawberry, then pour in the Four Loko. Muddle with a butter knife, or if you’re fancy and have an actual herb muddler, use that. Top the rest off with cherry juice, stir and sip. If you want to get real high-falutin’, slice a strawberry halfway diagonally and slide it onto the rim. Look at you, princess.

FINAL VERDICT: Crisp, cool, definitely a good way to start off the night. A nice little death wish of a summer treat.

GOOD FOR: Bitchmaids; your bitchy girlfriend.

2. LOKO LAGOON
2 parts Blue Raspberry Four Loko
1 part apricot juice or nectar
1 part Prometheus Elixirs (ginger lemon or pomegranate black pepper)
1 tablespoon chopped, dried red pepper

Fill a glass halfway with the Four Loko. Add the juice and the elixir. Stir and top with chopped pepper. Be careful of getting the chopped pepper caught in your throat. I thought I was going to die when I did.

FINAL VERDICT: Fruity, spicy and hard to drink too fast. The weird color made it look like swamp water. But the Lagoon was refreshing and energizing nonetheless.

GOOD FOR: People who like being slapped during sex; power bottoms.

3. PUNCH ROSEMARY RHUBARB
3 parts Fruit Punch Four Loko
1 part rhubarb-apple juice
1 spring rosemary
1 kiwi slice

In a glass, stir the Four Loko and rhubarb juice. Sprig of rosemary in the glass, kiwi slice on the rim. Done. Drink it.

FINAL VERDICT: This was probably the best one out of the group. The rosemary is what really made it. It was a good mix of aromatherapy, canned meth and ambitious mixology that helped the punch hit a home run. Seriously, this one is a repeat.

GOOD FOR: Classy boys and broads.

We all got bored after the punch rosemary, plus my old neighbors were getting grumpy, so we headed to the park.


Yeah, that’s a pitcher of Four Loko.

4. FOUR LOKO SANGRIA
1 can Grape Four Loko
1 1/2 cups pineapple juice
1 cup nectarine juice
1 cup chopped fruit (I used kiwis, strawberries, white peaches and plums)

Combine all in a pitcher. Mix well and serve with fruity bits floating in each cup.

FINAL VERDICT: Absolutely awesome, but definitely the most retarded version of sangria I have ever made. It tasted like children’s Tylenol mixed with Sour Patch Kids and death, which may or may not have been a bad thing.

GOOD FOR: Getting your mom wasted without her knowing; vegans.

They say you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife — but you can certainly dress her up like one, which is exactly what I did with Four Loko that night. The cocktails looked good and tasted good, but I still woke up feeling pretty bad. Oh, well. At least I survived. And on the bright side, my next cocktail experiment is with cheap champagne… yet another opportunity for good people, bad alcohol and worse decisions.

-AUDREY JAPBURN
FoodforDorks.com


Comments
  1. muthafutha says:

    Whatever happened to that push-up guy; I’d like to see him down a bottle of Patron!

  2. kure kure takora says:

    Sorry, no, 4loko is disgusting. I bought about 4 cans and ended up dumping it out/throwing the cans out unopened it was that awful.

    Sparks was at least semi-drinkable.

  3. Zippy says:

    Caffeinated Alcohol????

    Isn’t that like sodium free salted pretzels?

  4. Gnarles in Charge says:

    4loko is sick (like the kids say)

  5. jon wilkes booth says:

    I swear to god it’s just fruit punch flavored robotussin.

  6. Anonymous says:

    BROS FOUR LOKOING BROS

  7. dragler says:

    it tastes like something used to make something else rather than a drink in itself.

  8. adamregicide says:

    This was great! More please!

    To be clear, more Audrey, not more Four Loko. The only time I drank that ended with having the police called on me for “trespassing” on my own property. Fun times.

  9. Steve Dave says:

    Loko is loco. I pounded two of those one night in New Orleans and had the shakes so bad I had no choice but to wander around talking to anyone or no one in particular. Tastes like sugar coated assholes. Avoid the blue; its stains your tongue like Ghostbusters Ecto Cooler.

  10. ninjaman says:

    four loko and champagne = drink of champs

  11. Loozer Boozer says:

    Sippin on some sizzurp…

  12. totes slack says:

    4 loko is the ghetto version of Absynth…it takes u to a wonderful lala place!

  13. todd says:

    4loko tastes like cancer and turns you into the lord humongous…. oh, and audrey sucks

  14. williexwill says:

    can’t embed I guess

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVWWre8tn_U

  15. caption wut says:

    I have renamed fourloko as “blackout sauce”. Whenever I pick up a can on my way home from the bar I can never remember the rest.

  16. guy says:

    Are you guys and Arab Parrot getting paid by 4lokos for some kind of guerrilla marketing campaign? This reminds me of that Kids in the Hall episode with the girlie drink alcoholic.

  17. Mlmmm says:

    I like Earthquake Lager. It’s got the Four Loko punch, minus the candy-sweet flavor. All rye bread and poison, baby.

  18. WTF IS THIS CRUNKJUICE LOOKING ASS DRINK……………ONLY PUSSIES GET DRUNK OFF 12% ALCOHOL, MAN UP AND DRINK SOME HARD LIQUER

  19. Larry says:

    OH MY GOD. I LIVE AND DIE FOR THE JAPburn. <3 <3 <3

  20. cunty. says:

    Yeah the Arab Parrot has been pushing this shit hard for awhile now…so I’m never going to try it.

  21. dragler says:

    totes slack – one of them has wormwood in it which I believ eis also in absynthe

  22. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    They’re 3 bucks. What’s good for the loko hobo is good for the rest of us. Like you’re drinkin’ it for the taste.

  23. sluts says:

    These are a staple of sororities where I go to school (and I’m assuming nationwide). A girl was so wasted on one of these I convinced her to take acid with me, even though she’d never done any drugs before. She was so fucked up I couldn’t even rape her! JK, but she was really fucked up before the acid.

  24. Pudge says:

    Had one last weekend at a party on top of six tall boys. A school of mudskippers came out of my ass the following morning.

  25. EW says:

    WHAT, NO LOVE FOR THE WATERMELON LOKO????!!!YA’LLS RACIST!!!

  26. tigerwoods says:

    I call bullshit on this post. These are pussy ass drinks and I think I’m getting viral advertised. Everybody knows the best way to drink that stuff is with whatever 79 cent icee is currently being sold at the gas station. Total cost, 3 bucks max. Like I have fucking time to find and purchase over priced nectarine juice at the whole foods.

  27. realist says:

    impractical

  28. Anonymous says:

    The loko is shut the fuck up juice. As in you drank one 6 hours ago and still won’t shut the fuck up. It is responsible for me trying to storm the Hudson last week.

  29. Lana says:

    Is it weird that things do nothing more to me than other alcohol besides only letting me have 4hours a sleep?
    I can always wake up the next morning eat something and feel fine, but any other alcohol I get a hangover and won’t want to do anything til about 7pm the next day.
    Maybe it’s because I’m black.

  30. Voigtlander says:

    how about you just drink your loko and go loko you fuckin pansies

  31. on my blackberry says:

    hehe… Arab Parrot

  32. four loko says:

    four loko is nasty dick juice
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aJROW6cuEM

  33. Bill says:

    Just a warning: this shit is lethal. I’m not just saying that from reading all the news stories — I have personal experience.

    4 Loko killed my son.

    Don’t let it happen to you: stop at 1, don’t drink more than that. (Okay, maybe 2 after they remove the “energy drink” from it.) The human heart can’t take the strain of more than one can’s worth of taurine, if you drink 3 you can easily have a heart attack — no matter how healthy you are. (Google: “Len Bias” and cocaine)

    “It’s your own trip, but be aware there is that warning.”

  34. […] to sample a bit after the show. Only months later would I find this article about possible cocktail combinations of Loko. My girlfriend might have liked it more then. She might also have not had it […]

  35. marklar says:

    youre a fuckin moron.. there is no wormwood in four loko’s, and if you really can’t handle the taste then youre a pussy too! if anybody actually believed that the main ingredient in the illegal drink absinthe was in these four locos, then you should kill yourself. it doesnt make you trip out or fuck with your heart, pussies. it is a cheap and fun way to get fucked up. grow some balls.

  36. hm says:

    fucking four loko…i was a 4.0 valedictorian nerd, and i figured a four loko would be fun. I turned into jim fucking morrison. I walked the streets at night, because i felt wild. I hung out with some cool homeless people I met. I bought acid and tripped with them.

    I woke up the next morning like “…why the fuck was any of that a good idea?”

    I mean, if I was a lady, I could see myself getting raped.

  37. […] Have you gotten down with Four Loko yet???? […]

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  40. DavidN says:

    For extra misery.. try the Gold. If pine-sol has a taste, this is very close.. lol


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