Posted by
• 12.16.12 08:00 pm

The human being formerly known as Biz Markie, subsequent to being “spooked.”

I’ve led a full, rich life and met close to a dozen people in my time from at least two walks of life and none of them has ever seen a ghost, yet enough celebrities have seen ghosts to warrant a show called Celebrity Ghost Stories on the Biography Channel, now in its fourth season.

When I tune into the Biography Channel, it’s to learn what makes Tony Danza tick, not what makes Tony Danza tick off paranormal entities in the spirit realm.

When I tune into the Biography Channel, it’s to learn who Mindy Cohn’s boo is, not who or what said "boo" to Mindy Cohn.

When I tune into the Biography Channel, it’s to learn of a D-list quasi-celebrity’s journey, not which apparitions from another plane haunt Journey’s tour bus.

Don’t tell my editor, but I’ve never seen the show except for a couple minutes by accident the other night while channel-surfing for new episodes of Wives With Knives.

Some actress was talking about her haunted house in—big surprise—LA.

I’d never heard of her but, to be fair, I’m not sure who the vice president is.

She claimed her house is haunted by dead singer Mama Cass of 60’s group The Mamas and the Papas—probably its refrigerator and pantry especially.

"Groceries mysteriously disappear…"

"I once saw a pork chop levitate."

"Late at night there’s disembodied chewing."

The Mamas and the Papas were perhaps even skeevier than most 60s groups, seeing as they were comprised of a guy who not only had sex with his daughter but wore a stupid fur hat, a woman so morbidly obese she would eventually suffocate on her own flesh folds before paramedics could rappel up to her neck to perform a tracheotomy, a neck searched for in vain beneath innumerable chins, another broad who’s reportedly friends with that, that Bill Maher, and still another one who was Canadian and proud of it.

CU-ckoo! CU-ckoo!

All the leaves are brown indeed!

It’s worth noting that the actress’ house couldn’t possibly be haunted by someone who fell off the roof repairing the chimney flashing, but rather a ghost with an in-crowd showbiz pedigree. Whether in the material world or the immaterial one, some things never change.

Leave supernatural phenomena in the fourth dimension where it belongs. I’ve been saying that for years.

I believe the show was created by and for people who wanted to use the word "spectral" a lot.

There’s no such thing as ghosts. If you want to listen to a bunch of washed-up has-beens talk about things that don’t exist, much like their inner cores, that’s your business but I’ll be better occupied watching Celebrity Bigfoot Encounters on the National Geographic Channel.

If Tone Lōc says he ran into the elusive Sasquatch at a chicken and waffles place in South-Central LA, I really have no reason not to believe him.




  1. Ooga Booga Boo! says:

    Spooked! DAt man seez a ghost! Lawdy….

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