Hillary Clinton visited the 143-year-old Nelson Mandela in his home in South Africa recently.
The story didn’t quite explain why, but I guess she probably visited just because she can. I also imagine that as a politician, visiting Nelson Mandela is a rite of passage, sort of like how driving by Justin Bieber’s house must be for a teenager.
I might also liken it to visiting the redwood trees in Northern California, though I doubt it was considered appropriate for Hillary to count Nelson’s forehead wrinkles. Not cool, Hillary, not cool.
Whenever I go to visit a nonagenarian, I come bearing gifts. It’s just what I do. But what do you bring an ancient world leader, hero, and Nobel laureate when you go to his house? Fancy towels? A crown and scepter? Lobster rolls? Perhaps you’d do something thoughtful, like write him a haiku. Kittens never make good gifts, but pictures of them hanging from things with uplifting sentiments always do.
Here are a few other suggestions of gifts that Hillary could have brought Nelson Mandela from the USA.
Choco Taco: OK, so basically, a Choco Taco is—yeah—a chocolate taco. It has a waffle cone shaped like a taco shell, filled with low-fat vanilla ice cream inside as the “meat.” It also has fudge swirled inside and peanuts and a milk-chocolate coating on top, which I believe is supposed to resemble the “salsa” of the taco. It’s made by Klondike and was invented in Philadelphia, of course. That city is really good at putting out disgustingly delicious foods. If she’d rolled up with a C.T., the world would have been able to say, “Maybe Choco Taco was ‘America’s coolest taco,’ but that title now belongs to Hillary.”
Honorable mention food items: Maple Syrup, loaf of Wonder Bread, cheese steak, chimichanga, Nathan’s hot dog, Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onion.
NY Yankees Baseball cap: So this one’s a no-brainer, as in, if you wear a NY Yankees Baseball cap for too long, little-known fact: it actually reduces brain cells. Even a loosely fitted cap slowly sucks the knowledge out of your brain. Don’t believe me? Google it. But when you’re an antique super leader, why do you need a brain? You did all the stuff your brain needed to do, and now it’s time to relax with a baseball cap on. Plus, all politicians wear NY Yankees baseball caps. See: Bloomberg, Giuliani, Clintons, etc.
Honorable mention clothing items: Dashiki from Times Square, I Heart NY T-shirt, a pair of thong undies that say “Yummy” on them, Superman’s cape, Matthew Lesko’s question mark suit, Harry Connick Jr.’s hairpiece.
Monopoly: As American as apple pie, Monopoly makes a great party gift. If you show up at any world leader’s home toting Monopoly under your arm, you’re in, it’s as good as a press pass. For those of you who think visiting Nelson Mandela is just for the Clintons, you’re wrong. Get yourself a Monopoly board game, which by the way comes in many different and uniquely American versions, such as American Express, Garfield or NASCAR, and hop a plane to South Africa. Frankly though, with the recent outbreak of Ebola even in faraway Uganda, I might just stick the ol’ board game in the mail with Nelson’s address on it—I’m sure if you write “Nelson Mandela, South Africa” it will get to him—or maybe print out a photo of Nelson, hang it on the corkboard, give it a salute, and call it good.
Honorable mention board games: Yahtzee, computer solitaire, Angry Birds, American Idol Monopoly, Transformers Monopoly, Hawaii Monopoly, Chevy Corvette Monopoly, Coca-Cola Monopoly, Best Buy Monopoly.
If Hillary had brought any of these gifts with her, the story would have gotten much more international coverage, which was probably a large part of the reason for her visit in the first place. So, Hillary, next time you go to visit a foreign dignitary, call me.
Ms. Clinton shows Mr. Mandela a high-magnification photo of a spermatozoa found on Monica Lewinsky’s dress.