Posted by
John Pittsley
• 11.16.17 03:28 pm

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Professional chefs don’t get nearly enough credit as they should. Not for being talented at what they do or knowing where to eat. If anything, they get too much credit for that shit. What they don’t get enough credit for is being humongous fucking assholes. People have begun to realize this, thanks in large part to that British twat Gordon Ramsey but if a person hasn’t worked in a kitchen before, chances are they don’t know how big of assholes they can be.

Most have this perception of professional chefs as being soft spoken artists with a love for food. Some of them are able to help this image by visiting patrons at their tables, putting on an act, and pretending to give a shit how their meal went. If more restaurant goers were instead able to see what actually goes on behind the kitchen doors, chefs may finally start to get the credit they deserve.

Maybe it’s because of the power they wield in the kitchen or the stress they’re always under but chefs are easily the biggest assholes around. That’s probably hard to buy given all the recent news coming out of the political sphere and Hollywood but if you don’t think cooks have insane political leanings or that there’s sexual misconduct in the restaurant industry then you’re a fucking dolt. What tends to put chefs a cut above the rest is their sheer laziness and ability to flip the fuck out at the drop of a hat.

It would be one thing if they lost their shit for legitimate purposes, like an employee ruining a meal or someone starting a fire and almost burning down the kitchen but head chefs will lose it for any reason at all. Some could see this as an intimidation tactic of sorts or way of showing employees who’s boss but while acting like an insane prick may be a good way to intimidate folks, it’s not that great of a way to keep them around. Besides, intimidation is probably the worst tactic in the world for someone to use when wearing the gayest hat ever created. Or, the dumbest shoes known to man.

No matter what professional kitchen you walk into in North America, you’re bound to find some schmuck wearing a pair of crocs or clogs and chances are it’ll be the head cook. It could even be one of those dingy dim sum places, someone in the back is going to be wearing some form of footwear no sane human being would be caught dead on the streets in. Normally, this wouldn’t be all that big of a deal because they’re behind closed doors and working a shit job that tends to ruin clothes. However, looking like a clown shouldn’t be the goal if the aim is to command respect or intimidate people.

If anything, a big pair of steel toed boots would be the best move for head cooks. They’re protective, durable, and look a hell of a lot more intimidating than some wooden clogs or brightly colored galoshes. The only problem is that you can’t just slip into a big pair of boots, you have to lace them up. That’s not only time consuming, it’s apparently dangerous because it then becomes too easy to run around, slip, fall, and hurt yourself. If that made any fucking sense at all, buying a pair of sneakers at Payless every few months and tying the laces loose would be the way to go. It would be cheap, safe (I guess), and a lot more conducive to keeping the whole power structure in line.

It would also help chefs hide the fact they’re tremendous fucking assholes. So, maybe it’s for the better they keep wearing those gay hats and dumb shoes.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. raymi says:

    i met marco pierre white and said i heard you were the only one who made chef ramsay cry and he said, “that was a long time ago.” He gave me his apron and a signed book,i tried to hit on him in front of his publicist. #savage.


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