Posted by
Shift
• 01.14.13 07:00 am


Say it ain’t so. In broken English if need be.

Jackie Chan, described as an “auction star” in the article I half-heartedly skimmed with the attention span of a canary, has been accused of making “anti-American” comments in his native China.

I’ve been leery of the “martial arts” ever since a karate instructor stole Priscilla Presley from Elvis.

Actors have been purporting to know their asses from holes in the ground since the cavemen staged that first production of Le Miz around a bonfire while roasting musk-ox rump and the cavemen who couldn’t act started trashing those who could in petroglyphs on cave walls and calling their “politics” into question.

This is before the “alternative press.”

And has Jackie Chan taken over for auctioneer Dan Dotson on A&E’s Storage Wars? I guess so if he’s being described as an “auction star” on the Internet.

In fairness, I only visit websites where proofreading is considered a concession to The Man.

I’m sure the article that called him an “auction star” got the part about his rampant anti-Americanism right.

Your best bet is to only believe what you read if it fuels your righteous indignation and allows you to type in your little password with a sense of purpose and mission to give what for to what or who for what they may or may not have said.

It’s interesting that no one has ever understood a word Jackie Chan has had to say until a less than flattering view of our American way of life has been discerned through an interpreter.

For all we know, the word for “egg roll” in his ancient dialect may be the same as the word for “Imperialism.”

I don’t know what Jackie said per se. I think we all know how I feel about “research” and “facts” and “accuracy” and “good writing” and making “sense.”

Just not my cuppa.

I travel to the beat of a different drum. One that plays a saucy rhumba to a light, Latin beat.

I did see that some felt compelled to use exclamation points and even italics in their blurbs, so offended were they by the auction star’s words.

If he did call us “the most corrupt nation in the world” from his vantage point in China, I would have to reply, “Who’s been nicer to the Dalai Lama?”

Not to mention, Bruce Lee? Masaharu Morimoto? Connie Chung? And a bright-eyed young hopeful named Jackie Chan who came to this country with nothing but a dream and a penchant for violence?

Jackie certainly isn’t going to “woo” us into watching him in any more John Woo movies with this sort of behavior.

Maybe he should stick to breaking boards with his bare hands rather than exacting karate chops to our fundamental principles and core values.

People in rice paper houses shouldn’t lob groat clusters.

Even if he is anti-American, what is the difference between Jackie Chan and any number of historically anti-American American actors such as that, that Susan Sarandon or, or creepy manboy Tim Robbins or that skeevy little Sean Penn?

Besides being likable? And isn’t that all we really need of an auction hero?

 

—SHIFT

 


Comments
  1. Hellvis says:

    Your writing skills match your reading ones.

  2. I’ve always wondered why Drunken Master 2 wasn’t the first Chan movie to be re-released to a wide American audience after the success of Rumble in the Bronx. Now I know the reason is that we are all corrupt.

  3. Billy says:

    2


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