Posted by
• 10.30.09 12:00 pm

The night before Hallow’s is a big fucking deal to us. I guess because it’s the only holiday where humor, esoteric pop culture, and fashion, collide. We hope against hope you ladies have been thinking about your costume for months now and are capable of going outside the Sexy ____ box.

Gavin and his wife as the Newlydeads

The night before Hallow’s is a big fucking deal to us. I guess because it’s the only holiday where humor, esoteric pop culture, and fashion collide. We hope against hope you ladies have been thinking about your costume for months now and are capable of going outside the Sexy ____ box. We’re going to a gay church in the middle of nowhere for a secret party called “Night of a Thousand Jacksons” and we assume you will be going to an event equally well thought out. If not, you have 24 hours to plan the shit out of something and then go somewhere retarded with your friends to fuck shit up. If you’re not smart enough to think of something what about …

Goth chick who works at Starbucks at the mall. You dress Goth with a Starbucks uniform and then stick cat ears on your head at the last second and say, “They made me dress up.” Your boyfriend could be the manager of the Hot Topic next door who sweats you.
This is Johnny and his friend’s idea.

A woman dressing up as a man. This one’s only funny for men to do. Your suit has to be way too form-fitting and your beard has to look totally fake. You need to carry a cigar around and say shit like, “Hey guys. What a great game last night. You wanna go look at some tits?” And then laugh with a fake deep voice. Wear flats.

Sexy mace. This and Sexy Toast are about the only kind of Sexy Costumes a girl can do without being lame. You make a big cylindrical thing of pepper spray and then cut leg holes where you have your hot fishnets and high heels come out of. Same with the toast. Sexy ___ is only good when it’s not sexy at all.

Anyfarts, send us detailed pics of your costume, the making of, and what it looked like at the party and we’ll send the best one $100 and a t-shirt and some other shit.

BE WARNED: It has occurred to us that you’ll just get some kooky costume off Flickr — so we will have a fact-checking team verify the living shit out of every story. Liars will be caught and hanged (for a person you say “hanged” — “hung” is for inanimate objects).

From previous years …

Jeff WAS scary til we noticed the Mets medallion.

Meryl as Timothy T

Meryl giving birth to herself

Lesley as Anne Frank

Judi as Linda Blair (at the back)

Judi as Annabelle Lotus

Sarah as Sexy Man (This is not the same as a man dressed as a woman dressed as a man)

This guy was that weird Chinese lady who comes into 2A selling DVDs.

Gavin and his wife as crusties.

Lesley and Scott as Jeremy Scott’s muse and Gerard Depardieu

Judi just chose this because it made her ass look good

Got any other ideas? Remember, it’s going to be mad packed that night so 90% of what people see will be above the shoulders. Don’t spend too much time on your shoes and socks and don’t choose a costume that isn’t immediately facially obvious.


What are you going to be?

  1. just a cunt hair away says:

    don’t forget- the better you look, the less likely you are to get mugged in Bushwick… some shit.

  2. JuCIFER says:

    Is that David Cross as the Chinese lady?

  3. matt c says:

    Anne Frank FTW

  4. cuntybaws says:

    I’m going to a party tomorrow with the theme of “worst nightmares”. Still toying with the idea of blacking up and going as a “nigger with a badge!”. Will this be funny, or will I look like a dick?

  5. Sir Fagsalot says:

    hmmmm, the only time i ever think that j.a.p. is sexy is when she’s dressed as a walking slab of bacon

    p.s. now THAT’S irony

  6. felicia says:

    Before I saw the jewish star, I thought she was supposed to be Esther from the Orphan.

    Anne Frank still wins. Kermit too.

  7. unclaimed smegma says:

    @cuntybaws – you will look like a dick, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Just be prepared for that one asshole who decides that this is a “teaching moment” and chooses you to be his pupil re: racial harmony. This person will shit all over your night with his/her sactimonious crap, and it will not be fun. Unless awkward is your thing, in which case just go for it.

  8. comic book guy... says:

    uh, it’s not asshole-ish to admonish people for wearing blackface. it’s more asshole-ish to wear blackface.

  9. cuntybaws says:

    @comic book guy – you may well be right… but why? is it asshole-ish to dress up like a chinese guy? or an arab? or a black dude to white-up? I thought the real asshole-ish bit was having to answer, when people ask me who I am, “I’m your worst nightmare man – a nigger with a badge!”

  10. ZLUR says:

    Halloween is fucking shit, fuckin hallmark holiday bullshit…

    That said i am going to be dressin up as either Harold Shipman, Fred West or Gary Glitter…cannie decide for the now likes…

  11. teenagewizard says:

    the worst is people who dress up as some literary ponce or a “philosophical concept” i’m gonna wear this weird fur bonnet and put on cat make up.. meow

  12. louis says:

    the one of the weird chinese lady is the best!

  13. I think I might be imyar for halloween…should I?

  14. JuCIFER says:

    @ felicia… “jewish star”?

  15. JuCIFER says:

    @ cuntyballs – I WISH A BLACK DUDE WOULD WHITE-UP… Eddie Murphy style.

  16. felicia says:


    I was going to say Jew star but I felt weird saying it.
    I’m in a city known for jews. Your jewish grandmothers buy up all the potato salad and take 2 minutes at stop signs.

  17. t-space says:

    me and my roommate have been constructing elaborate cardboard costumes over the past two days. She’s a T-rex and I’m a spaceship.

  18. amber says:

    the chick giving birth to herself fucking rules.

  19. miss appalachian says:

    bernie french maidoff.

  20. poopsmear says:

    i’m gonna be doing an electro-dance misfits-cover set called “glen danCig” at a dance party at a warehouse on halloween night, so i’ll be dressing as misfits era danzig

  21. Misfits fan says:

    ^^^Where’s the misfits cover party? Seriously I’ll go.

  22. Youngteam says:

    go as a broken condom.

  23. Letalvis Cobbins says:

    I don’t remember Anne Frank mentioning in her diary that she wasn’t potty-trained.

  24. Mitch Gage says:

    I’m gonna be the Flash.

  25. jeff jensen says:

    holy fuck that goy looks like he’s almost 38. (talkin bout jensen) please put these away

  26. […] The halloween costume here on Street Carnage of a woman giving birth to herself is simultaneously one of the best and worst things I’ve […]

  27. Jobeth says:

    , the character devenopmelt was phenomenal, and I got totally invested in what was happening to them. I’m also hooked on audiobooks and actually listened to this series in my car. All of a sudden, I’m at work or home and so don’t want to get out of my car!

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