Posted by
Luke ONeil
• 10.31.11 11:00 am

May I humbly suggest staying the fuck home?

Oh hello, are you a child person between the ages of zero and not-twenty or thirty something? Then Halloween is for you, please go about your business. Probably stop reading this site though. The rest of us are just going to have to suck it up and figure out some way to have fun on Halloween without playing dress up. May I humbly suggest staying the fuck home?

via but also every Halloween party ever. via that too.

It’s not like you’re even going to enjoy it if you go out tonight in costume. You know you aren’t. You’re going to be standing around in a hot club with facepaint sweating onto your tits, or walking through the city with your vag/balls/penis/butthole hanging out in the freezing cold because you really want to maximize the eyeball clicks on your “costume” aka /vag/balls/penis/butthole, or standing in some prick’s tiny apartment next to the box of cat shit and warm beer with a bag on your head. Fun, right? So much fun. “What did you say dude? I can’t hear you with this bag on my head.” The joke/novelty just isn’t worth it. “Oh ahah dude, Homer Simpson or whatever. That’s cool, anyway, let’s stand here for 6 hours now trying to relax with this shit on.”

Halloween is New Year’s Eve’s birthday. It’s St Patrick’s Day for everyone, but instead of only having to drink mad beers/fight/cry about how you drank too much/got in a fight, you have to spend the day as an apprentice seamstress/makeup effects artist as well as a background extra in a soft-core porn/city-wide zombie film. I don’t even think that’s legal under SAG union rules.

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not only talking about poorly-thought-out last minute costumes here, although those are bad enough. Good ones are suspect too. Maybe even more so. Even worse are the half-assed costumes people wear out of obligation. Putting hours of painstaking construction into building, like, a suit of armor from Halo and hanging outside the comic book store is a little bit much. Better off spending that time making a time machine and going back to a year when you weren’t so hopelessly alone.

No one likes the half-assed Halloween guy rocking some last-minute high concept meta costume that he has to explain to everyone at the party. You can’t just strap a cell phone on your dad jeans and walk around all night looking self-satisfied and say your costume is a Baby Boomer. You can’t wear your waiter apron and walk around asking anyone if you can get them another drink and say you’re going as a liberal arts major.

I don’t get it. Oh, he’s a “douche.” Makes sense.

There’s a pretty simple rule at work here: If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. It just makes you look like you caved in to peer pressure at the last second and decided maybe your firm stand against dressing up isn’t so bad ass after all. Your whimsical Target employee name tag and shopping bag ensemble don’t make you look like a devil-may-care rogue deigning to play along with the proles on their silly holiday, you look like this guy I sat next to at a wedding recently rocking a Pittsburgh Steelers tie. You dressed up in order to say (to some invisible panel of judges who float through the clouds) that you dressed up, but you didn’t really dress up. In fact you look even worse than if you hadn’t done anything in the first place. Same idea behind the wrinkly khakis and blue oxford you wear to your business casual office. That’s the half-assed costume of life. The one where you show up to work every day pretending to be a dude who isn’t counting the hours until the sweet, merciful release of the big sleep.

There’s a third category that’s even worse here, the people who combine the conceptual gag costume with lots of work, and supreme discomfort. Like this guy or literally everyone at this party.

It’s an internet meme costume. And you’re wearing it. All night. That’s like telling a really bad joke that unfolds over the course of eight hours. You’re basically putting in a day’s work as a guy who knows one joke that other people know. Next time I find myself tricked into going to one of these Hallowmeme parties I think I’m going to go as “Oh, I see what you did there.” Or maybe “Cool story, bro.” Both seem apt.

I suppose it could be worse. You could be the type of person who doesn’t dress themselves up for Halloween, but instead dresses up other days of the year in the costume of Halloween, like these people. Every day is Halloween with these fuckers. Just can’t wait to get home from work and slather their jowls in blood and white powder. I’m sorry but that’s weird.

Or, you know, hipsters, who wear a costume to hip work every day of their hip lives. Then again, be careful with pointing out people in costumes, me. Everything is a costume, isn’t it?

LOL @ child rape/gayz

My friend Mustard, explained the appeal of our infantile obsession with putting on funny time happy clothes to me a while back. “For adults, Halloween brings out people’s most subliminal desire under the guise of doing it for fun or going to a party. Usually translates to girls dressing up as sluts and dudes dressing up like women. I’m dressed as a woman, get it? Isn’t it wild? What’s wild is your innate desire to be a cross-dresser being on display and it’s getting weirder the more of those red solo cups of Natural Light that you throw down.”

Acceptable costume. Because that was an awesome movie I’m saying.

That’s actually one part of Halloween that is almost bearable. The parade of tits rolling down the street on every corner like a giant tit tornado. But even that sort of thing makes me feel like Dylan McDermott in American Horror Story, (watch that shit) furiously masturbating and weeping at the same time. So, I dunno, who cares what I think. I’m a Halloween grinch, but have fun with your costume tonight, or rather, your other costume on top of your normal costume. Just don’t ask me to reach up onto any high shelves to get things down for you because you can’t raise your arms up in that cardboard box painted silver, or to, you know, look at you without thinking you’re a dick.


  1. Jesus Christ, Luke, thank you for this piece.

  2. luke says:

    Oh hey thanks. Any time you need a grumpy prick to shit on other people’s fun I’m your man.

  3. chester says:

    agreed. i will be farting at home on my computer this fine eve, and tomorrow i will wear my costume as a boring and awkward white male will be put on anew.

  4. Dibbly says:

    “There’s a pretty simple rule at work here: If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it.”

    Jules, just because you’re an unemployed suburban hausfrau who’s run out of things to masterbate to, doesn’t mean you have to spend your whole day sitting around thinking of things to hate. Like people enjoying themselves. If you don’t want to do Halloween, don’t do it. Everyone else on the planet can enjoy themselves.

  5. jonh says:

    Agreed on the 5th Element costume. That movie ruled.

  6. Zippy says:

    I like the guy wearing the “kid sucking a priest” outfit. Boy, he’s on a fast track to the boardroom. HAHAHAHAHA

  7. Heads says:

    The faulty premise of this editorial is that wearing a Steelers tie is a poor choice for a wedding.

  8. cheezdick says:

    if american horror story was a comedy, it’d be worth watching

  9. luke says:

    @heads: Screw that unlikable bunch of pricks. PATS GOT ROBBED!

    @cheezcik: it kind of is a comedy though.

  10. costumed fool says:

    interestingly enough long rants on the internet are also for children

  11. kure kure takora says:

    I love this, and I love you, luke.

    Between the Pittsburg Steelers tie, and the internet meme costume party (something I would rather be clawing my eyes out with a nail trimmer than actually be at), I am all about it.

    Although I have to admit, I think the Fifth Element bandage costume is kinda played out. I’ve known way too many girls who’ve tried to do that.

  12. luke says:

    @costumed fool: true. blogging is for children as well.

    thanks @kkk. i wish that Steelers tie wasn’t an actual thing. Fifth Element is played, but hot naked girls at a bar are hard to not appreciate as much as my highly discerning judgmental nature may tell me to.

  13. Adekan says:

    Halloween is my favorite Holiday! I think it’s fun to see people dressed up.

  14. dryrub says:

    wait, so you like slut girl costumes and crossdressing dude costumes but you hate halloween because of, what, meme costumes?

    last time I checked, pretty much the entire weekend I was drowning in half naked girls and girl-men, and I saw maybe, one epic fail guy

  15. raymes says:

    couldn’t even read this it was so don’t-know-you-own-market sour grapes, old and exhausted and wrong. life is about fun and having tight abs with paint all over them at least once in your life.

  16. Pincer Movement says:

    Wearing my costume internally via the medium of some Bangladeshi fried chicken. Halaloween…

  17. Katrick Pay says:

    @ raymes: please fuck off.

    Best thing I’ve read on here for a while. I think Hallowe’en is good fun but this made me laugh.

  18. Gupid Stuy says:

    Yeah, great, sure, whatever, but you’re a guy who thinks “Katrick Pay” is a cute ‘n’ clever play on “Patrick K.” rather than excruciatingly retarded, so your opinion doesn’t matter.

  19. Katrick Pay says:

    @ Cupid:

    Ha, fair enough.

  20. nrrrd says:

    my name is like “nerd” but you really ride the “r”

  21. lilu dallas multipass says:

    luke, FINALLY on the same page as other not dickheads.

  22. raymes says:

    my comment did not warrant a fuck off. Again, learn to party or fuck off don’t whine about it.

  23. pickles says:

    Dude in pic #2 looks like he eats a lot of omelets…

  24. luke says:

    Getting mad about an obviously hyperbolic blog post.

  25. Katrick Pay says:

    “life is about fun and having tight abs with paint all over them at least once in your life”? Come on. That’s definitely worth fucking off over. Sounds like an ad for menopause medication.

  26. nrrrd says:

    fuck of Raymes

  27. Frankieneversaidtotheolsensrelax says:

    I wound up sitting at home becuase I put together a costume together for saturday. Long Story short instead of The Three Amigos. I looked more like Miguel The Hipster Taco Lady from Greenpoint.

  28. no says:

    Couldnt get past: “costume” aka /vag/balls/penis/butthole

    So NOW I get halloween.

    In related news; a woman was bound, gagged and murdered in her lounge room last night (halloween)… and I live in Sydney, Australia.
    Shit’s real out here yo.

  29. RolAIDS says:

    Raymes does this for a living – that’s how sad she is. Of course she will stick up for Halloween.

  30. raymes says:

    i’d rather get business out of partying than, what? how else? Don’t hate, learn.

  31. nrrrd says:

    Business? Do you run an escort service through your blog or something? All your blogging and bullshit for what? Free tickets to lame clubs? Your life consists of doing gay shit for free. Toronto’s a small down. We know your mom pays your bills.

  32. RolAIDS says:

    I’m sure that’s how escorts sleep at night, as well. Good work.

  33. booty says:

    “I’m a Halloween grinch” — nailed it.

    I read everything, and laughed at your sarcastic tone, but did something happen to you to make you hate it so much? I think the flame will reignite one day……

  34. hairy sheets says:

    29th birthday = end of me loving halloween.. but i dressed up like a zombie this weekend and acted like a zombie, and it was fun. could have totes got me laid if i was still into strange, but i’m not into strange anymore, which is why halloween is no longer magical and promising.

  35. ChiTownPlayaHata says:

    Tit tornado.

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