Posted by
Jim Goad
• 07.31.12 09:00 am

If there’s anyone on Earth who should be grateful for the James Holmes Batman Massacre, it’s comedic genius Fred Willard, pictured above.

Willard was arrested for lewd conduct at the Tiki Theater, a Hollywood porn grindhouse, only a day before Holmes’s rampage, which mostly allowed his story to be buried amid the post-rampage hysteria.

In 1991, beloved children’s star Pee Wee Herman saw his career buried after being nabbed polishing the ol’ German helmet in a Florida adult theater.

After the LA riots, I used to wonder why Rodney King couldn’t be satisfied getting drunk at home or fucking transvestite hookers at home instead of going out in public again and again, embarrassing himself and making it look like 54 people died on behalf of a moron.

One wonders the same thing about Pee Wee and Fred—don’t they have cable? A DVD player? An Internet connection? What compels public figures to lurk in sperm-encrusted public petri dishes knowing there’s a chance they’ll be caught? Is the very notion of public humiliation part of the thrill for them?

I only pleasured myself once in a movie theater. In my defense, I was 14 and it was way before Al Gore invented VHS players. Did I mention I was 14—the age when your dick pretty much rides you around like it’s a broomstick and you’re a witch? My father and I had gone to see Robert Altman’s Nashville, and it was the specter of Shelley Duvall in this skimpy groupie getup that sent me into the gentlemen’s bathroom to bring myself to a speedy and satisfying climax:

I’ve never done it again, but that’s not such an epic feat of self-restraint when one considers I’ve been to maybe three movies since then. For example, the last Batman movie I saw starred Adam West. I’ve never seen a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger, not even on DVD. Except for Godfather II, I’ve never paid money to see a film with a Roman numeral after the title.

What about you? Have you ever beaten off in a public theater? If so, was the possibility of getting caught part of the excitement? Most importantly, how do I know you’re not lying?



  1. Nate says:

    Nope, but I got a shot o’ head in one while watching Kill Bill. All the usher did was politely ask us to knock it off. Poor Fred.

  2. Never in a theatre. Once in a church bathroom.

  3. Zlur says:

    Ahh dis guys funny so its okay, but yer get a computer.

  4. Le Todd says:

    This story puzzled me. I know that the elderly are terrible at transitioning to new technology, but pay-per-view and VHS porn have existed for decades. A snap decision made after partaking in some blow, perhaps.

    My (ex)gf jerked me off at a theatre with her mouth one time. It was sort of like a Michael Bay film, if instead of explosions and stunts he was known for irregular tempos and not swallowing.

  5. Rabie Mank says:

    No self-given handies ever, but I’ve gotten a couple of non-finished blowjobs here and there (or as I just affectionately starting calling them, “teaser trailers”.) Also, I finger banged this one chicks pussy and butt hole whilst watching Lady in the Water.

  6. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    No, but I worked with a guy that took a shit in a mall parking lot in the middle of the day. He told the story in excrutiatingly fine detail. :O

  7. chris says:

    I jerked off in a porno theater in France. Does that count because it was Europe?

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