Posted by
• 02.28.14 12:01 pm

I just remembered another one: bar fights. When a fight would break out in a bar, I’d usually laugh and pull out my phone to film it. Now I scream and run out the back door. I’m precious cargo. 

Same with riding my motorbike. I used to drive like a madman because it would make the girl on the back horny (I honestly believe that vibrating chair is better at picking up chicks than all the coke in Colombia). Since having kids, I never drive my bike more than 50MPH. Cars are constantly piling up behind me and I will occasionally indicate with my arm outstretched before pulling over to let them pass. Killing yourself doesn’t seem like a big deal when you only have a mom and a dad. When you ARE a dad, dying means ruining half a dozen lives. That is simply not on. Here are 37 other reasons having kids turns you into a complete fag.


  1. H. Kopp says:

    The fight was fun to watch. Notice how the guy never loses his cigarette? I followed the link, and loved the article. The comments were precious.

  2. Gavin says:

    I filmed that fight outside of a bar on Bedford and Grand called Savalas? It was the only place I can remember where you’d see both hipsters AND Puerto Ricans hanging out. They had fights pretty much every night. It’s closed now.

    “Remember when we used to DJ at Savalas?”

    This photo is from Grand St.

  3. Jim Goad says:

    “C’mon, white boy. C’mon white boy.”

    Give him my contact info. I’d kick his ass into Jersey.

  4. Ajay says:

    “Caesar! C’mon Caesar….Caesar!!” Not one face shot landed. In my humble opinion, Caesar can stay

  5. partygod says:

    reading the comments on thought catalog made me roll my eyes so hard it disrupted the moon’s orbit. those people and their fake empathy and misguided outrage are so gross.

  6. Mr BULLSHIT says:

    Unless you amend the title to say having kids also turns women into complete dykes, I call bullshit.

  7. TWalsh2 says:

    How many kids do the two in the “fight” video have, or were they already fags?

  8. Teehee says:

    Work an ER for a weekend, you’ll sell that bike right quick.

  9. Harvey! Yeah! says:

    That’s a weak ass fight. Has to be said.

  10. Harvey! Yeah! says:

    Bet if those ‘ricans ain’t got kids, they’re maricon

  11. Harvey! Yeah! says:

    TWalsh2. Christ. I gotta learn to read. Nailed it.

  12. Meta says:

    If your purpose in writing this is to sound ignorant and homophobic, mission accomplished.

  13. angelo says:

    Im all these things even without kids

  14. MOBO says:

    Meta, nobody is afraid of turd tappers. So please, stop with the “homophobic” BS. You won’t intimidate anybody here by “calling them out” so go fuck yourself in the face.

  15. stanky stanky says:

    Philip Seymour Hoffman clearly didn’t consider himself precious cargo.

  16. Anonymous says:

    “Motorbike”…..Aw, that’s adorable.

  17. raymi says:

    Really loved this one.

  18. Hard Work says:

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