Posted by
John Pittsley
• 01.05.17 11:55 pm


For all the shit people get for not having children there isn’t nearly enough handed out to the ones who decide to only have one. Those who decide against having children get enough shit as it is. They may be making a huge mistake in doing so but they’re warned plenty enough already. Telling your family and friends you don’t plan on having children unleashes a shit storm like no other. Unless of course you only have gay men for friends. For everyone else not working at E!, sharing plans to not have children is always met with discouragement. The family is always worried about the bloodline ending and friends worry they’ve lost some partners in suffering. Having A child does the trick and it can even be met with a little encouragement sometimes. What the selfish bastards who do this don’t realize is they’re only setting themselves up for a life of disappointment.

When a couple only has one child, they tell themselves and others they did it for the child but in reality, it’s all for the parents’ sake. They’ll claim they’re giving their kid the best childhood they can but all they’re really doing is trying to have a family without having to do all the work. Sometimes the parents come from a large family and will say they’re trying to give their kid a better upbringing than themselves but the only thing they’re trying to do is have a less hectic life and more time to themselves. Or, maybe they’ll bring up the cost of having children and explain they want to make sure they can give their kid everything they could possibly ever want. All they really want to make sure of is that there’s enough money saved for their own retirement and they’re able to go on killer vacations, while their kid is stuck in school. These folks may think they’ve found the perfect solution to living a chillax carefree life, while avoiding any possibility of regretting their life decision but that’s not how that shit works.

Having only one kid may seem like a fantastic way to cut costs and reserve a little extra alone time for you and your spouse. In reality, it’s the perfect way to become an obsessed stalker of your own child. Obviously, you should love your child more than anything and show that love in any way possible but when there’s only one to focus on, it gets out of hand pretty fast.

Instead of giving a single child the normal amount of parenting as one of three or four would get, parents of only children tend to heap the necessary amount of attention for four children solely on that one kid. Some may think this would make for an excellent childhood, given all the accommodations, but all it really does is make for an unnecessarily restrictive and boring upbringing. Children aren’t supposed to be given such an ungodly amount of attention and affection. When they are, it’s like training them to become conniving little bastards, who are perfect at getting into trouble and needing help.

It may be comforting for a parent to keep their child under close surveillance at all times but constantly watching a child as a crazed stalker would do only forces the little snot to come up with creative ways to get away with shit. All kids want to do is cause trouble and when they’re treated like some spoiled rich reality TV star, they act like the complete opposite. They don’t just share as little as possible and keep things a secret from their parents, like most children do. They’ll live entirely different lives than the ones they let on, like Jared the Subway guy did. They may not be dealing with things quite as sick and twisted as a child pornography addiction but the contrast between their squeaky clean image and true self will seem just as stark. This makes it all the more difficult for the parents, when their little bundle of joy inevitably crushes their hopes and dreams.

When a couple has a few children they have to know at least one of them is going to be a disappointment but at least there’s a few others to pick up the loser’s slack. When they decide to only have one, they’re putting all their eggs in one basket. Once a couple has put all their time and effort into one child, that’s it and when that child has been spoiled and coddled to such extreme lengths, the chances of them being a disappointment are that much greater. What makes it even worse is they worship the useless piece of garbage so much that they continually dig them out of trouble, instead of letting them learn to fend for themselves. This happens over and over again until it’s too late.

The biggest problem with having an only child is the parents are eventually putting their own lives in the hands of that one spoiled little turd. Watching a golden child screw up and not meet expectations may not be too bad for some parents. In fact, it’s probably kind of entertaining for them to watch as their spoiled little brat continually fucks up and begs for help. Once they realize that useless pet human will be making decisions regarding their estate and health, they probably shit their pants though. By then, it’s too late. There’s no going back and having a conventional family, who can pitch in caring for them. The parents now have to sit there and hope to Christ the kid appreciates all the shit they’ve wasted on him. Or else, he’ll just throw them in the shittiest retirement home possible or kill them, in order to get to the money quicker.


  1. friendly dad says:

    skimmed this article, but just came to say that the people my age (27) that i know who are single children tell me that it’s horrible and they wish that they had siblings growing up.

  2. dingbat says:

    All you have to do is not care about the kid. It’s easy, and he grows up with a realistic view of the world.

  3. frank says:

    Chelsea has siblings. Webster Hubbell is her father. If that’s incorrect and Bill is actually her father, then he has at least one and probably more like five other kids.

    They should all do thanksgiving next year.

  4. The Real Ooga Booga says:

    I’m an only child. Never bothered me at all. I’d probably jump out a window if John Pittsley was my brother.

  5. I was an only child until I got step-siblings. That was awesome, then I became a midle chlld. Middle children are super well adjusted because all the focus is on the other two and you learn how incompetent your parents are if they are not successful so you do the opposite.

    Before, as an only child, my imaginary friends sucked. I had an imaginary cousin named Art who always whined about wanting a doll. I told him to shut up all the time.

    Then I became a middle child, my older brother was a big gangbanger. Then he raped a woman and it made the Chicago Tribune. I like that because I get to yell, “YOU DON”T CARE ABOUT RAPE!” to feminists. I actually did lead a big campaign to make sure he went to jail, (he raped 14 year olds before and the cops were paid off), and not a single liberal rape culture person cared.

    I ended up putting him in jail myself, not really because of the rape but because my family is a bag of dicks and he stole a bunch of shit from me. His daughters are now growing up without a father. Results as predicted: cut school, etc.. Don’t know when the teen pregancies are coming but I also hope it comes with domestic violence for them.

    In life, you need to also learn about revenge and the best thing about siblings is you can often get into a big revenge cycle that teaches you how to destroy other people’s lives which is actually really importnat. You don’t get anywhere unless your enemies eat shit.

    I’m a disabled Veteran in a wheelchair so no one really wants this dick even though I have legally killed people, in a drone strike, (I feel bad about the goat), and I’m a real alpha. I train dogs and one way all animals will see you as an alpha is if you were in the Army and killed other people. It’s a very satisfying feeling to take an asshole off planet earth. Now that men are pussies, however, women don’t want jizz from someone willing to take out 75 people in Pakistan, no questions asked. That’s the man you want.

    After not having sex, however, I remembered how much that shit smells and how close your nose has to get to a poopy butthole or you may have to stick it in a butthole and out comes some poop so I didn’t miss it. Instead, I decided to foster street kids. They are the fucking best. First of all, they know shit so you can have an adult conversation with them. Second, they actually appreciate an adult doing shit for them. I was actually a foster kid who was adopted as well and I was pretty easy because I was happy I had a nice house and lived in a place with white pussy that would get an abortion if I got them pregnant at age 16. Well, my dad’s first wife is actually a child molester so that is why I was an only child because 7 year old girls can’t exactly get a woman pregnant.

    She’s in a religoous community so they see noting weird about a grown adult asking strange kids to sleep over. I guess foster parenting is sort of the same but….that’s a complicated rabbit hole I just got into.

    Anyway, after my dad left the child molester and went to a woman who understands jizz as part of normal adult relations, I got siblings. I had a spoiled younger sister who was really awesome until she figured out she was a babe and then she became a cunt. We were close when we were younger. My older brother was in and out of jail so I also got to say, if anyone criticized me, “At least I didnt’ go to jail.”

    It was also cool because my older stepbrother did identity theft and he never went to college so cops were SURE I was running shit. A few cops knew I didn’t do anything so whenever there was a home break in and they were looking for him in the Western Suburbs, the River Forest police would pick me up and bring me to the station and buy me food or brought me to shit like digging up a dead body. They also have a place in Cook County for people they know didn’t do something but they need to keep them there so they can get the truth out of people who really did the crime and that place is fucking fun as hell. It’s a big room with DVDS and games and beer if you have no addiction problem. You stay for three or four days, chill and listen to crazy jail stories. It’s mostly dudes who broke up with a chick who says every dude who breaks up with her beat her. They brought me there for my own safety, sometimes when he did something stupid to another gang member. Cops felt really sorry for me becuaes they said it was always an eldest who was a criminal, he got all the attention and the middle child was good.

    It’s also cool to have a gangbanger brother who is always in the Tribune for pussy in college. Plus when he was arrested for rape one of the women working at Room of One’s Own in Madison said that was ‘hot’ — feminists love domestic abuse and rape — so I can use that as well. I mean, criminals are sexy. He also did kill a dude in Philly who mugged me, which was his way of showing love.

    Then things turned sour when he stole my identity and also all of my hard drives with footage for a documenetary so I put that bitch in Taylorville Correctional. That’s what family does.

    I also fostered because I knew the kids were not retards. If you are a legit foster parent they let you pick them. When kids are shit out and taken care of they are ungrateful, like puppies. Foster kids are like rescue dogs. Plus you can get a kid who isn’t ugly. I had an overweight 14 year old who played Magic cards and a transgendered teen who aged out and was, of coursee, self sufficent because the gay community actually teaches men to be men and get jobs at 18 and shit. The gay homeless kids always are just like, at 18, “We’re all getting an apartment together and I got a second job at Burger King where I wear make up to piss off the Christian manager but they can’t do anything.”

    It also feels better if you leave any inheritence to leave it to someone like that. But with fostering, you have to get a bunch of them at once. They are really low maintenance because they are used to taking care of themselves anyway and they already know the cool places. Foster kids always really know how to get good weed, that’s jsut a general observation. Plus if you are disabled, they always say stuff like, “Dad, you should smoke weed for that.”

    The other thing about siblings is it makes you competative because you want to be the most successful. The strange thing about having a criminal older brother is you might not be more financially successful and although peopple act like upstanding citizens, there is a reason to show preference to the kid with a ton of stolen credit cards.

  6. Ex-SC says:

    ^Poor OogaBooga. All by his lonesome.

  7. The Real Ooga Booga says:

    Poor me???? Read the next one. That kid really flourished when he got siblings, eh?

    Jesus! Jesus.

  8. OogaBooga says:

    I mean this is like really weird for me you know.

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