Posted by
TV Carnage
• 02.26.10 11:39 am

Unless you live under a rock or smoke rock or are just so into rock that you don’t do anything else but listen to rock, then you probably know that Totally4Teens won Adult Swim’s “Big, Uber, Network Sampling” competition against Soul Quest Survivor.

Unless you live under a rock or smoke rock or are just so into rock that you don’t do anything else but listen to rock, then you probably know that Totally4Teens won Adult Swim’s “Big, Uber, Network Sampling” competition against Soul Quest Survivor.

I’m not one to rub feces in people’s faces — I really think the speaking sports equipment gave it their best shot but America (thanks to the support of a hamburger store) spoke through its votes. I’d like to thank a certain guy in a white robe with giant sandals and luscious hair for making me for all of you to warship. I’d like to thank all of the stunt people and special effects crews who tirelessly worked on Totally4Teens over what has been a fabulous 25-year run with what looks like no end in sight. To my imaginary wife and kids, I want to say that without your support and inspiration, I would never have been able to achieve the unachievable. To Gavin, I want to say thanks for trying. “Trying” to me is the gold metal of attempting to achieve something that is unattainable, and you can’t replace that with anything except victory.

So again, thanks to all of you who voted (you can still vote if you would like). The substantial margin by which I won isn’t important. What’s important is that we met face to face, threw down and through this, I won.

I leave you with this: a moment from President Rocky’s victory speech in the 1986 Olympics. Please, I urge you to listen to it, to think about it and to dance to it.


  1. jim says:

    Hee Haw!

  2. Hey! says:

    Congrats! You deserve it.

  3. fredMS says:

    this movie made me believe in love.

  4. Vane$$a says:

    If by “winning” you mean getting smoked because racist America would rather watch cartoons on tv than a somewhat black man…congratulations.

  5. flickin'beans says:

    is this like that time john kerry was president for 45 mins?

  6. Vane$$a says:

    thomas dewey

  7. flickin'beans says:

    same difference

  8. homeless. says:

    did TFT really win, i hope so, Beckles jargon always gets my brain twisted up like a wet towel, shit is way over my head, being hungover does not help.

    its like when you get stoned and realized you’ve been trying to fit the circle shape in the square hole for a half an hour

  9. Arv's Mom's Testes says:

    Fuck Glasnost and Perewhatever, Rocky totally brought capitalism to the Reds. And Rocky 5 is the best Rocky. Tommy Gun knows that you can’t beat the Rock in a streetZ fight, it’s his hood YO!!! USA! USA! USA!

  10. jj says:


  11. pogi says:

    wow, first it was netflix and now this, dont worry gavin, third times a charm. hang in there buddy.

  12. Billy Cox says:

    wait…. i thought that shitty cartoon won?

  13. Radtooth says:

    I voted like 20 times and didnt even make a dent.

  14. Ted Bundy says:

    OMGGGGG this can’t be happening, it’s like a virtual 3D dream world.

    I just watched both — now I’m no scientist but what the fuuuuuuuck Totally 4 Teens is literally 80 billion times better than the piece of shit non-sequitur cartoon.

    The cartoon made no sense and was just gross, voice acting was good admittedly and it’s funny when the dog shoots the toilet with a laser just to lick the water. But that’s about it — and I thought with cartoons you could draw anything any way you want so why re-use the exact same setting and characters from Aqua Teen? LAY-Z BOYZ!

    Totally 4 Teens is fucking amazing it has all the shit it’s supposed to, the crane shots, the serious anti-drug stance, the sick background ticky-tock music, the babes, the dissolves, the corporate logos everywhere, fucking everything was funny WTFFF!!!!!!! Except making fun of even the idea of Jews being brought up, which is patently unfunny and is enough to get you crucified in (maybe) the worst possible sense.

    Theory: only gay little kids who never saw early 90s TV watch internet fast food cartoons and vote on them bc all older kids like us are watching Jersey Shore (their parents won’t let them)? Mr. Derrick — seriously, man-to-man, this is space-highway space robbery and you deserve an Olympic bronze and a Medal of Honor (Navy Edition) for all time for how much editing and class went into your shit.

    But the bowling pin did pee on dog food how awesome is that ahhhh grosssssss LOLOLLLLL!!

    PS not paid for by either of these losers who are old and run a vaguely unpopular website just as a film historian I have strong opinions re: genius moviemaking.

  15. wtf says:

    Point of the story, fuck the soviets.

  16. mr.meat says:

    Does this mean that the Gavster has to fuck a donkey now because of that “donkey fucking bet”? Or is this just another fake prank by the Arvster, except it’s by the Pinkster? First the piss cereal tasting to bash in the brains of the new year, now donkey fucking?! The line has been drawn way too far this time man!
    I quit.

  17. lol@u says:

    good that momentarily restores my faith in humanity. that cartoon sucked donkey nuts big time. your show was moderately funny.

  18. Benji says:

    Um, yeah, Totally 4 Teens rocks the shit out of the second-rate Aqua Teen ripoff. That fucker was voted for before it was even watched. Gay.

  19. Vane$$a says:

    Kudos to the folks at Streetcarnage human resources for hiring Derrick Beckles. In only a few days on the job, he’s injected mucho soul into this joint.

  20. Anonymous says:

    to be honest t4t was pretty 2003

  21. Anonymous says:

    One of these days, I can just feel it, this man will write a title for one of his articles that hasn’t already been used as a title.

  22. Smelly says:

    Damn Beckles has to fuck a donkey now or does Gavin have to?

    I’m confused but I think someone should honor their end of the bet.

  23. Zippy says:

    Rocky proved that retards could achieve anything. Well Rocky and Forest Gump. At least in the movies. In real life, they basically just drool on their shoes and mumble shit.

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