Posted by
Audrey JAPburn
• 07.30.10 11:00 am


You know what I like? Knowing the future. Like, the end of a book, or the end of a movie. The other day Gavin tweeted some shit like, “Woody dies at the end of Toy Story 3.” Saved me $12 and raccoon eyes at the Loews in Union Square.

You know what I like? Knowing the future. Like, the end of a book, or the end of a movie. The other day Gavin tweeted some shit like, “Woody dies at the end of Toy Story 3.” Saved me $12 and raccoon eyes at the Loews in Union Square. I’m under the assumption most people like to know what lies ahead, simply because it saves you money and embarrassment. Or something. So, this is why I am here: to tell you the future. Well, at least for August.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
I heard your girlfriend is a bitch. Or maybe she was just drunk? Charts are saying bumps ahead and not just because you forgot to take your Valtrex. Throw yourself into your work, whether that’s slingin’ T-shirts or a big boy job, because a rough patch in a relationship is 20 times more manageable than couch-surfing for a month.

TAURUS (April 21- May 21)
No one’s told you this, but you’re getting fat. You’re getting so fat that the only way you can get laid at this point is go to the gym and hit on fat girls there. Sadly, sweatpants boners are hard to hide (I’ve noticed), and with the amount of spandexed chicks at Equinox, you’re gonna need a jockstrap. Or a girdle, fatty.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
Well, guess what? That little filly that posted a Missed Connections for you is actually not crazy, totally cute, and wants your D for as long as you want her V. Read: Girl is a keeper. So, for once in your life, don’t change your mind halfway into a date and ditch her. Copy?

CANCER (June 22- July 22)
Shit’s been kind of rough on the life front, right? Your roommate’s rent payment is lagging and your mom won’t stop nagging. Around the middle of the month, things will reach a dead calm. So say the stars. But yeah, whatever you do, don’t let your little sister teach your mom how to videochat. Nothing is worse than your mom attempting to videochat with you while your date is naked. Personal experience. Trust.

LEO (July 23-August 22)
Apparently your charts are all about reconnection this month. Milk it for all it’s worth, my friend. For example: Your high school sweetheart just moved to your city. She’s still hot, she hasn’t been knocked up yet, and she’s probably still into you pulling her hair. After she finds you on Facebook, take her out to “show her the neighborhood” … and your penis.

VIRGO (August 23-September 23)
2010 has been a bigger cocksucker than Ricky Martin, huh? Instead of drowning your sorrows in a bottle of Sailor Jerry, maybe you should saddle up and try solving your problems. ‘Cause let’s be honest, cowboy, manning up feels a whole lot better than vomiting for 12 hours straight.

LIBRA (September 24-October 23)
It’s been pretty boring lately for us Libras. I mean, shit, you got a promotion or a raise or whatever, but now that you’re actually over your batshit-nuts ex, moved out of that bedbug-ridden apartment, and washed your hair, you’re kind of cute. Things are on track and you’re on the come-up. But remember: Don’t get too confident. You still live in Bed-Stuy and take the train to work.

SCORPIO (October 24-November 22)
Oops. You hooked up with the new intern. Or maybe your best friend’s ex-girlfriend. Or just some girl no one can know you did it with. Well, either way, you can’t let anyone know, and now she has your balls in a death grip. But don’t worry about it too much. Just kidding. Your house of communications gets totally blocked this month. I recommend not drunk dialing someone clutching your testicles. Could get messy. Although you might like that, I mean, everyone knows Scorpios love the drama.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)
Get your lazy ass to the beach so you can actually see real boners walking around in bathing suits. Besides, you deserve a day off. Shit’s been on the stress lately. There’s like, some life-altering eclipse happening later in the month, and for you it’s good. Or something.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 21)
Get a life. No, seriously: Get a life. All you do is work, which is totally in your nature, but if you keep doing nothing but work, next thing you know you’ll have gone six months being accidentally celibate. Luckily, around the 8th or so you’ll meet something gorgeous when she breezes into your job. But please, for the love of GOD, as awesome as getting a project done on time is, just give yourself some time to have a beer– and a possible hand job.

AQUARIUS (January 22-February 19)
Please take your meds for once. We all know how effing crazy you are, but this is not the time to get all Van Gogh on your bros. You have all these planets retrograding or something, so basically if you fuck up, your ass is grass. ‘K, boo? But as much as you are watching your step, that good good is on the soon soon, promise.

PISCES (February 20- March 20)
There’s been a bit of a dry spell in your boudoir lately. Once upon a time, things were wet n’ wild; you were changing your sheets twice a day. Now it’s just every two weeks. Around the 21st, you’re going to hang with someone who’s gonna bring your laundromat habit back. But go easy on whoever they may be. Wouldn’t want be high and dry again, now would we?

-AUDREY JAPBURN
FoodforDorks.com


Comments
  1. homeless says:

    I’m a capricorn and im gonna go get a beer and a handjob now, thanks for the advice.

  2. yikes says:

    i didn’t like this.

  3. Fachoto says:

    these are good…

  4. count cumchugula says:

    wait missed connections where? craigslist? how do i find her?

  5. egrol says:

    A Japburn doesn’t hurt as bad as a Chinkbruise.

  6. poopsmear says:

    i can dig it

  7. Mudbutt says:

    i hope you don’t talk like you “write”

  8. ty says:

    Oh damn, you nailed it with my horrorskope (10/24), girl-child.

  9. C and the MS-13s says:

    I’m a capricorn and this is actually pretty accurate.

  10. twank says:

    annoying

  11. somebody says:

    yeah dude. leo. dead on.

  12. Anonymous says:

    This is fucking gay!

  13. Meggalif says:

    Fuck.

  14. julieta says:

    …woody doesn’t die at the end of toy story 3

  15. Jeffry-y-y-y says:

    Are you a psychic? I’m a capricorn and you’re damn right.

  16. qq says:

    yeah woody does NOT die at the end of that movie, you IDIOTS.

    besides that this was good –

  17. aw, fukk says:

    <3 it

    i heard snape kills woody?????

  18. […] horoscopes column is up on Street Carnage, my favorite blog in the world, so go read it and find out about your […]

  19. OKAAAY says:

    Bad writing. Period.


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