Posted by
• 12.25.12 07:30 pm

I didn’t have that great a Christmas.

Come time for the flocking rites, the priest is nowhere to be found.

The Nativity scene I stole was confiscated for "evidence."

The criminal-justice system in this country has little or no regard for Christendom.

And every year with the fruitcake, my wife’s "brother."

I have to say, though, his personmate’s candied yams made all the double-entendre and inappropriate innuendo at the dinner table worth it.

Imagine my horror when a small band of carolers showed up at the front door and opened with "On the first day of Christmas…."

I would have closed with that. Rotty and Weiler made that point moot, however.

Speaking of whom, you know those "reindeer" antlers people put on their dogs at Christmastime? I sees the lovable curs wearing antlers while stalking prey in the backyard the other day and I don’t think anything of it until I realize, I didn’t buy them!

They "made" their own. You don’t wanna know!

I thought those people were such troupers to carry on with their Christmas pageant as they did with a stunt reindeer.

My Christmas lights kept blowing fuses left and right. I eventually had to steal a different neighbor’s electricity. Problem solved.

Would you be my neighbor?

Between surreptitious late-night wire-splicing, giving the investigators a DNA sample, and clear-cutting the local arboretum and opening up "Shift’s Yule Trees (and Bushes and Picnic Tables)" on my driveway ("flocking while u wait"), I’ve hardly had any Me time.

Reminder to anyone who bought statuary from me at my Christmas-tree stand this year: Don’t carry it through Hoyt Arboretum!

Many a holiday reveler invited me to enjoy a nice cup o’ festive holiday eggnog with them but I demurred. I imbibe Mad Dog pretty much year-’round and 24/7. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Good news/bad news: I broke a tooth on a Christmas cookie. The good news, it wasn’t mine!

What’s up with jimmies?

Here’s one for you: How many of Santa’s elves does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Every Christmas I get irked by the whole Rudolph saga we have to hear about over and over. In the song, Santa’s reindeer refuse to allow Rudolph, whose nose was inordinately red, to join in any of their so-called “reindeer games.”

That burns my ass. Why? Because he’s "different?"

Then after the foggy Christmas Eve episode the reindeer supposedly "loved" him.

Fuck them, man!

Try rocking that number when you come a-wassailing at Casa de Shift and see what happens to you.

Here, Rotty!

Here, Weiler!





  1. seriously says:

    Who the fuck is shift? Are you like a sports car movie with Vin Diesel and Jason Statham. Do you come from a long line of transmission experts who don’t let their wives name their kids? Wut up wit dat

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