Posted by
Gavin
• 10.31.08 11:36 am

The first and most important part of becoming a crusty for Halloween is not already being one. If you’re already a homeless, anarchist, who got fucked by his dad, you’re not dressing up.

The first and most important part of becoming a crusty for Halloween is not already being one. If you’re already a homeless, anarchist, who got fucked by his dad, you’re not dressing up. You’re just being you. Ideally, you want to start out as a 38 year-old, yuppie with two kids.


STEP 1 – CREATING THE VEST

The jacket is the most important part next to the face. You don’t realize how few people see anything below your waist on Halloween. Everywhere’s packed. Often, the guy who bought a zany mask at the last second will at least equal the anal dickweed that spent his whole time working on his shoes and socks.

Buy any old stupid jean jacket from a second hand store. Then, cut off the sleeves and spray paint it black. For extra leathery-ness you should paint the shoulders with some kind of industrial paint. Remember, these guys have years and years of body grease you now need to simulate. The more shit you put on the better.


STEP 2 – FINISHING THE VEST

Sew a bunch of patches on the vest. This is a chore because the skin is now thick as leather. You may need a piece of plastic something to get the needle through the material. Getting the studs on is also a bitch. It takes hours. Anarcho punk is 90% about Arts & Crafts, which seems queer but once they put one outfit together, they’re done for several years so it ends up being not so much work.


STEP 3 – THE SHOES

Spray paint your Chucks black. You wear as little leather as possible because the origins of crusty culture is about dumpster diving and being vegan and listening to horrible music and drinking lots of beer (ideally home brewed). Leather is corporate.


STEP 4 – TAPER YOUR PANTS

You need to make these suckers ridiculously tight. Put them on inside out and then pin them as tight as you can bear. Then, carefully slink out of them and sew along the pins with no mercy. This costume is about 72% sewing. Get a patch on there while you’re at it.


STEP 7 – THE HAT

You don’t want to be unpicking dreads out of your hair all week so why not inflict this fate on a wig instead? Get a few clumps together and tangle the shit out of them before cutting them off and stapling them to the inside back of your hat.


STEP 8 – THE AGING PROCESS

Everything looks way to new at this point so take it down to your basement and rub it all over the dirty cement floors. A good way to get authentic holes is to really grind your boot into the clothes while kicking and dragging them around. The majority of the dirt is going to fall off over the course of the night so be sure to make them about twice as dirty as you want them to be.


STEP 6 – ACCESSORIES

These things can be murder on your wallet. A good skull ring will run you close to $50. However, good accessories are what take a costume out of the realm of “imaginary” and into “believable.”

I wore this to a party on Bowery last Halloween and the bouncer goes, “I like your ‘costume’” in finger quotes. He was so sure it was not a costume, he figured it was worth pointing out us crusties kind of blend in on Halloween. I erased a facial tattoo to show him he was duped but he didn’t see me so I just looked like a weird little man trying to pick a fight with a gorilla. LOL.

Anyhue, with some lipstick and a red pen you can make a great heroin hole. Be sure to pack both these things in your top pocket because it wears off after an hour or so.

The facial tattoos should be poorly done and asymmetrical. They were created while drunk in a park so anything too accurate is going to be a giveaway. I just made a bunch of circles with an eyebrow pencil.
Now, go to a plant and grab some dirt out of the pot and moisten it with tap water before rubbing it all over your face. This shit falls off super easy so pack a sandwich bag of the mud for touchups later on.


STEP 7 – WALK THE WALK

Now that the outside is complete, you’re going to have to master the inside. Get drowsy. You’re on heroin remember. Take a nap on the street on a piece of cardboard. There is nothing worse than a zombie talking to you about taxes or a sexy nurse telling you her stomach is upset. You need to get into your role and become the costume, even if it’s sexy toast. Once, you’ve mastered these 7 concepts you are ready to step into the ring and fight with the greatest night on earth. Good luck and happy cunting!


Comments
  1. c'mon says:

    hahaha, nice work, the wig dreads really are the icing on the cake I think.

  2. c'mon says:

    arms too clean.

  3. hey says:

    your face needs more grease

  4. Cap'N Glitterfuzz says:

    you look like such an asshole/believable.

  5. fuckthat says:

    forget vegany and lose the woman’s shoes, what you need is big old school fucking army boots

  6. Bertram Settlemires says:

    Dreads in the dozing off picture are hilarious.

  7. Cotton Crown says:

    funny man but COULD YOU USE ANY MORE COMMAS ARGH FUCK

  8. rjb says:

    I got some skull rings for my costume but they only cost me $11. The real price I paid was having to go into the local ROCK SHOP.

  9. average SBTVC poster says:

    yah right, this is an an stupids costumes. there you are an gay. real punk is the hip hop.

  10. homo says:

    2 more things you need,
    a brown bagged 40 ounce
    and your other hand, palm side up while you beg everyone around you for change

  11. upso says:

    mind blowing-ly good

  12. cajun metal says:

    ha that’s the same vest you wore to meet the East Bay Rats

  13. Don’t forget to sew that shit with red dental floss!

  14. crustie fetishist says:

    crusties look so fucking good though I love it in my opinion it’s one of the best looks around plus I like how they smell FUCKING SEXY it’s only the vegan, drug addicted shit thats annoying but there are plenty of those that aren’t crusties

  15. goat piss says:

    didn’t you use to be a crusty anyway gavin?

  16. felicia says:

    so real.

  17. not lucio says:

    still too clean looking. you need more scabs.

  18. Street Boning says:

    you could also add a decrepit pit bull wearing a t-shirt

  19. Applejacks says:

    you need a squeegie… do they still squeegie???

  20. lol@u says:

    haha you look like my old roomate, dan the motherfuckin man, in that costume. damn we used to abuse that fucker. wonder whats he up these days. this guy used to work one arm out all the time and never use the other so he could get SSI for having a birth defect with his huge arm and his atrophied one. good times.

  21. vyvanse says:

    hay boy, cute outfit.
    p.s. there has been so much extraneous punctuation all over this fucking website as of late.

  22. Beefy McManstick says:

    you also need a dog and a cup for panhandling and u re set. prettty goood though

  23. squat or rot says:

    i <3 d-beat

  24. Flog says:

    is that Fred Perry underneath the jacket? That kind of makes your costume unconvincing.

  25. Gina says:

    how many idiots have used this as a guide for their real life look so far?

  26. dan says:

    where’s the tall bike? also he needs more metal in his face. maybe either some super PC shirt or something vaguely nazi like a burzum shirt or something. if he’s going for the scumfuck crusty i’d go for the burzum shirt.
    maybe a banjo to old time music and black metal? what a fucking cliche……. also you need to bullshit about riding trains and whatnot, even if you’ve never done it. like riding the highline out to the beat harvest or whatever.
    also pretending to be friends with stza crack helps too.

  27. Anonymous says:

    u look like one of those dudes from leftover crack. i saw them at a punk show when i was in highschool and i was thinking, who the fuck let these homeless dudes into the bar for a punk show? n then they were up on stage n im like, oh fuck, ok.

  28. Levvy B says:

    What are you drinking/what kind of can are you holding on this picture?:
    http://www.streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/img_3054.jpg

  29. […] since 1975. Punk Island has always featured a large cross section of punk rock music. There are “crusty punk” bands with members who my live as or at least appeal to the gaggles of itinerant […]


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