Posted by
Trace
• 11.30.09 10:00 am


So the Islamo-Fascists are coming back to New York and people are actually afraid? Talk about providing comfort to the enemy.

So the Islamo-Fascists are coming back to New York and people are actually afraid? Talk about providing comfort to the enemy. I can’t fathom an America where we’ve sent the posse out to catch the bad guy and when they’ve brought him to justice, we’re scared his friends might interrupt our public hanging. John Wayne is surely spinning in his red, white, and blue grave.

On the evening of 9/11, I suggested that if Osama bin Laden was really concerned about the plight of downtrodden Muslims he would surrender to US authorities on 9/12. He could then present his complaint to the world at a trial in NYC. He’d never have a bigger stage, his martyrdom would be assured, and he might effect some positive change for his tribe. But my tune has changed. The endless violence at the hands of this bunch of ignorant, psychotic fiends has negated any and all concern for their side of the story.

(ASIDE: Wasn’t the cowardly car bomb mainstreamed by the Colombian drug cartels? Yet another feather in cocaine’s cap.)

How can a public trial judging OBL’s criminal sidekick, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, be seen as anything but a good thing, a necessary finale? True, the interim clusterfuck has armed KSM with an ammo dumps worth of defense and the fear that “water boarding” may offer a get out of jail free card is sadly a trending topic. A topic off radar is that a Texan named Charlie Wilson primed OBL with his first taste of violence while another dipshit Texan armed KSM with the kryptonite that might blow him free of American justice. Maybe we’re overlooking another enemy here: Fucking Texas.

The “unlawful combatant” designation was a bullshit play from the start. We, the people, need these terrorists indicted and tried in US Federal Court. I don’t care what the suddenly skittish chicken hawk crowd says. We deserve to have justice meted out in our presence. No one wants KSM slipping away under the cover of an American flag but I refuse to be one of those conservatives who line litter boxes with the Constitution. Even if Al-Queda is the bearded fox in our legal hen house, are we really scared to fight them on our home court? The implication that we’re made strong by acting like Chicken Little is fucking pathetic, if not “Fox News’ traitorous.” So on behalf of Americans proud of our Republic, I say bring it motherfucking on.

KSM is going to be found guilty in NYC, so put that fear out of your pretty little heads. All Americans should know our legal system is the best the world has to offer and perfectly capable of putting anyone it wants to behind bars. US Federal prosecutors don’t lose and I’m looking forward to seeing our book thrown at these twisted shits for a change. I’m sick of their book. And could someone please remind me when Republicans became the party of pussies?

In the fall of 2001, before the invasion of Afghanistan, I approached US Senator Charles Schumer at a party. Head full of Ritalin, I proposed a couple of avant tactics: First, that bombing Afghanistan with nothing more incendiary than canned American hams might provide a satisfying irony as well as a boon to the homegrown cannery industry. Kabul was already a city lying in Stone Age rubble and the “Rods from God” theory allows that any projectile launched from earth’s orbit will detonate at just this side of thermo-nuclear. So these canned hams would fuck shit up and pork seemed a magnificent thematic choice of advance weaponry. Secondly, I suggested locking a red laser beam on the Kaaba at Mecca and saying you guys have a week to give us OBL or we’re gonna vaporize your goddamn black rock. Schumer excused himself, but then again, Jews are a little weird about pork too.

While it might have been outlandish to suggest effectively nuking Mecca at the time, I think as a coercive measure, it’s a viable option today. The threat of obliterating the Muslim world’s #1 tourist attraction would hit these bastards where it hurts: the wallet. And don’t give me that shit about Saudi Arabia as our Arab ally in the “war on terror.” It’s the Al-Saud Wahhabists — not the Muslim Brotherhood nor the Tehran Twelvers nor even the Taliban — who are at the root of all this jihadist / al-Qaeda evil. The House of Al-Saud is a cabal of liars, thieves, and cutthroats, whose cult of extremism doesn’t revolve around religion but rather around money. So fuck those pigs.

The Hajj began last week in Saudi Arabia. My suggestion is, as before, to target the Kaaba with an unmistakable red beam from outer space. For the whole week at Mecca, the tribal pilgrims flocking to and orbiting around the most revered touchstone in Islam will be aware of the implied annihilation. That’s how you capture an audience’s attention. My news cycle headline will be “NOT A SINGLE BLACK EYED VIRGIN HARMED, NOT A SINGLE BEARDED BASTARD SPARED.” The whole of extremist Islam will have been forewarned that unless they immediately corral their superstitious and murderous factions we’re going to blow the whole of their shit to kingdom come. No more nation building. No more hand wringing.

The endless bait and switch of fighting these prehistoric warlords in a place called “the Tribal Lands” has gone on long enough. To think Blackwater “snatch and grabs” or secret military drone bombings are going to end this thing is nuts. We the people have to get our kids home and out of this hopelessly deadly and never-ending engagement. Talk – Action = Zero.

As an advance warning, I still can think of nothing more apropos than a misdirected and plausibly denied, preemptive humanitarian airdrop. Raining canned hams upon fasting hoards of fundamentalists busily embracing pseudo-science and fairy tales might just give us the psychological impetus needed to snatch victory from the jaws of history. Regardless, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, I’m excited to have you in the Big Apple and as a hedge Wall Street America, I suggest you buy Hormel, sell KSM, and call your fucking Senator.

-TRACE CRUTCHFIELD


Comments
  1. uhh.. says:

    john wayne was a pussy…

  2. scotter says:

    whoa. looks like someone has been chewing the salty fat with Dick Cheney

  3. moth eaten deer head says:

    The car bomb was certainly NOT invented by Colombian drug cartels. Cmon how could you even think that to be true for a second? Humans have been packing explosives in vehicles and blowing up mothers fuckers ever since there were vehicles and explosives. “Car bombs can be seen as the remote descendants of the 16th Century Hellburners, explosive-loaded ships which were used to deadly effect by the besieged Dutch forces in Antwerpen against the besieging Spanish. Though using a less refined technology, the basic principle of the Hellburner is similar to that of the car bomb.

    The first car bomb may have been the one used for the assassination attempt on Ottoman Sultan Abdul Hamid II in 1905 in Istanbul by Armenian separatists, in the command of Belgian anarchist Edward Jorris.” Wikipedia faggot!

  4. Canadave says:

    This is fucking ranty, (sadly) trite, and ACTUALLY, even for something on this site, kind of racist. Like, in a bad, not funny, painfully ignorant, 4th of July sort of way.

  5. kuntz says:

    The USA is a cabal of liars, thieves, and cutthroats, whose cult of extremism doesn’t revolve around religion but rather around money. So fuck those pigs.

    WHITE POWER!!!

  6. just a cunt hair away says:

    i thought it was okay- just a little tired of articles on here always name-dropping drugs, and patronizing concerns (ie “pretty little heads”).
    @Canadave- chill out.

  7. Zippy says:

    All that macho name calling and posturing. Like a little dog yapping at you from behind a fence. Get him Cocoa!!!! HAHAHAHA

  8. Brian says:

    Man, I love Trace.

  9. Brian says:

    (no homo)

  10. john foster dulles says:

    It’s more a calling of America to task, than a 4th of July rant.  If the US wants to John Wayne around the world they need to have fair trials. Dudes being locked up behind closed doors indefinitely without charges is a fear YOU all should have. 

    And of course, it’s racism. It’s all clan based racism. Check the world: sunni vs shiite, hutus vs tutsis, union vs confederacy, serbs vs croats, sinhalese vs tamils, english vs irish. Saudi Arabia is simply run for the moment by the craziest racsist religious clan there is. And they’re happy to bolster their position by fomenting similar craziness around the world. They want all Muslims to believe, dress and behave explicitly like them. It’s a vibe similar to the superior cultural uniformity that  pervades SBTVC. 

    Most Americans don’t give a shit about your class, beliefs or even your background. It’s secondary concern. The idea of equality before the law is America’s best quality . So why not give KSM a trial that can monitored for fairness? If he’s guilty put him away. What is so weird about him being in NYC that has YOU all scared. Apologies to Canada.

  11. tommy gun says:

    just as long as you blow up the fucking vatican too i’m down. Islam might have the title right now for most backward and crazy but the Catholic Church is no slouch either.

  12. Blogwigger says:

    Werd.

  13. blogderogatorytermforanasian says:

    Eh, I get it, you think you’re putting us on to some new knowledge with the Wahhabi and shit, and the “off the radar” Charlie Wilson stuff (except for the book AND widely released movie made about it). Seriously though, you seemed way to please about dropping this info anyone with half a brain knows.

  14. Ty says:

    What?! Fuck Texas!

    Anyway, great shiz, Trace. Remember when we were going to cash-in on the frightened mommy crowd and market, “terrorism repellent”? Remember that shit? Basically pork fat in a spray bottle?

    Oh wait. That wasn’t you, that was Rich. Shit! All my white friends look the same now-a-days.

    Quit stonin’ the devil, people! Get stoned WITH the devil.

  15. elmodernisto says:

    Trace, Trace. You’re not planning properly for a post-Saud Arabia. What we really have to figure out is, what’s the half-life of a detonated canned ham?

  16. hagenshape says:

    this was really ignorant and not funny. Ignorance – funny = shitty post.

  17. fancypants says:

    “That’s just ignorant, mmmkay?” You faggot-asses are gonna get yourselves hurt. Kill ’em all. Bomb Mecca. Nuke the Vatican. Problems solved.

  18. streetbummers says:

    Colombians didn’t invent the car bomb or anything else. This shit is hopelessly stupid and misinformed.

  19. ew says:

    u can never predict whose gonna have back hair. that shits like a snake in the grass.

  20. with ew says:

    Dude has a rug on his neck, a Persian one! Maybe the guys are the ones who should be covered head to toe. ftw

  21. Bootie Aye says:

    “Even if Al-Queda is the bearded fox in our legal hen house, are we really scared to fight them on our home court?”

    we are affraid that some pussy ACLU biased price of shit activist Judge will turn this Islamist
    price of shit loose. We demand our retribution!

    God bless Texas!

  22. Mutz Cavner says:

    The real fascination here is watching the author try to amble up to cocaine and slip it the business without cocaine noticing a thing until it is too late.

  23. lives.to.strangle. says:

    dumb people write stupid things

  24. This was such a sophomoric lump of shit that I feel reluctant to even try hating on this article. But guess what, the writing was boring, disorganized and inaccurate. Try not blowing a bunch of white powder or mixed salts before you barf up your nonsense all over the interweb.

  25. TEnder Tuesday says:

    I donT know the first thing about these fools, but having read this, I vote for red lasers.

  26. BTW, have you stopped to think about the fact that this will be looked upon as a show trial by a sizable contingent of the international community?
    Many who support giving KSM a ‘fair trial’ in NY have been crowing about his guilt as a foregone conclusion. Does that not strike you as slightly hypocritical? “All people deserve the right to a fair trial…don’t worry he’ll be found guilty regardless of the circumstances.”
    Thing is, this could just be an all too typical cop-out by the intellectually disingenuous people who want to see the rapid politicization and partisanship that will no doubt unfold during this circus.
    So rather than it being a cathartic moment for all of the friends and family of those murdered on 9/11, it becomes a way to score political points. Hooray.
    The fact of the matter is that this guy should have been ‘suicided,’ or lobotomized or something quite some time ago. He’s not an American citizen, nor is he a soldier. Let the CIA sort his ass out.

  27. fuckchea! says:

    Holy shiite, someone I know had pretty much the same idea years ago: Threaten to destroy the Mecca and the non-extremist (read: the majority) Muslims would snake out the baddies. Nice bloggerz!

  28. just a cunt hair away says:

    sbtvc is becoming a place for fuckin’ geeks that spell shit with numbers and other gay shit.
    sucks.

  29. Eleven Alpha says:

    man you guys are hardcore. i’m jealous.

  30. loosejuice says:

    This is about the worst thing I’ve ever read.

  31. Texas Funeral says:

    Was just reading the comments on this post, wondering if any mujahideen have checked them out, as they would no doubt be delighted and amused to find further evidence that the castration of the infidel is progressing nicely. Look out, the sky is falling…. owwwww, my vagina hurts…. wahhhhhh…..

  32. whoremelt says:

    Fear mongering and race baiting aside, this Rods from God stuff looks like the real deal: http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2004-06/rods-god

  33. Turdyton says:

    I’m here to defend this article. I also think using piggy by-products as non-violent warfare is a brilliant notion. We’d have to deal with some weepy Jews as a casualty of that though, wouldn’t we?

  34. restless leg syndrome teen feet in face says:

    Man, if there’s one downside to conservatives in government becoming marginalized, it’s the inevitability embodied by this post: someone decides that way-conservative politics are now this radical alternative and that they’re the new punks under this RELATIVELY liberal administration. I’m all for alienating the crowd whose political views extend no deeper than their Obama t-shirts or the ‘I Hate George W. Bush’ ones they were wearing a year ago, but you’re doing it wrong. You distance yourself from all the ACTUAL conservative practices and policies that Republicans have pushed since 9-11 with disastrous results (secret detentions, torture, fear-mongering, etc.), but hold on to the vague ones that can be easily justified without any real thought or scrutiny but carry all that tasty shock value (patriotism, racism, racism, racism, and that ‘nuke em all’ shit). Take a stab at backing up your brainless argument with some facts, but if you fuck it up, whatever—— this argument isn’t about the details.

    Not only is this dogshit post contrived, it’s poorly contrived and fuckin stupid. “Trending” doesn’t mean what you think it means, Ritalin is for 12 year-olds, and Republicans have always been little skunk pussy poontang sissies.


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