I’m 33 years old. You probably think 33 years old is an eternity away from your life in the room you just rented in Prospect Heights, but your day will come.
I’m 33 years old. You probably think 33 years old is an eternity away from your life in the room you just rented in Prospect Heights, but your day will come. I remember turning 25 and my 24-year-old friend was like, “Whoa. 25? That’s old.” The point is: You will age whether you like it or not, so I will try in vain to prepare you for it. Most people have to make the mistakes themselves to learn, but I’m giving you a freebie right here that you’ll ignore.
1) DON”T GO INTO DEBT
Not to get all Dave Ramsey on that ass, but debt is the reason everything that blows blows. How can you be less than broke? Debt has become a way of life in America and most of our parents are going to have to keep working until they’re dead to pay off all the shit they couldn’t afford while they were alive. Before 1950, you actually had to save up money to buy something you wanted. Rich people still do that today. Imagine applying that logic to today’s rappers, pop stars, and NFL rookies?
Don’t cosign for anyone ever. Why do they need you to cosign for them anyway? Oh, that’s right. They suck at paying back money. That’ll probably work out great for the cosigner.
Credit equals debt. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it—this includes higher education. My friends and I all have college degrees and none of us use them for shit. I agree that college can be an enriching experience, but you can get that at a state school. Besides, it’s way better to be one of 200 in a small scene at a resource-filled college of normals than blend in with the ten thousand art kids at a private university.
2) CHOOSE THE RIGHT CHICK/DUDE.
If your friends hate your girlfriend, guess what? She’s POISON (never trust a big butt and a smile).
Try to evaluate your relationship as an outsider. This is pretty much impossible to do, but if you have an inkling that your mate is wrong for you, you’re right—she is. Choose wisely, my young friends. The chick that is waaaay down for threesomes is someone you might wistfully masturbate to for the rest of your life, but she will probably not make a great wife. BTW, getting divorced nullifies the marriage. The point is to STAY married, not just buy rings.
Girls, you know how to get the right dude, too. Slut it up just enough keep him interested, but feign purity. When two people are really ready and right for each other, it’s easy. My wife and I are total opposites, but our minds meet in places where it counts—like our stringent atheism and hatred of China.
Also, have kids early. I know you go your first 25-30 years trying NOT to get pregnant at all costs, but it is harder to do than you think. Girls, start thinking about it now. Get proactive and look for a dude that will be a great DADDY (that means awesome with kids AND has a job). Use your innate wisdom and realize that face tattoos are not gonna cut it when you have to provide for a kid.
I just had my first son Sharky (yes, his real name) on Monday and it’s an experience that cannot be rivaled. This is only the beginning.
Photos of me and Sharky (33 years apart). We both have the reddest nutsacks allowed by law, but it’s a federal offense to show infant nutsacks.
3) SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE
If your life is rough, you’re probably making it that way. Instead of thinking, “Why does this shit always happen to me?” think, “How can I improve my sitch?” Do you have any friends who got their phone cut off, a court subpoena, and a flat tire in the same week? Me, too. These people are called “losers,” and it’s no accident that they are a complete fucking mess. As fun as they are to hang out with sometimes, they will eventually burn you, and it’s best to cut them loose. You don’t want to be the smartest person in your clique; find some new friends who will stimulate you and not get you arrested.
Simplify other stuff, too. Get rid of clothes you haven’t worn in six months. Got a storage unit? Get rid of that crap. It doesn’t matter what you paid for your turntables, if you’re using Serato now, put that shit on eBay. Less possessions, dude. Low overhead. Learn how to cook and stop doing the Happy Gilmore and eating pieces of shit for breakfast.
4) DON’T GET FAT
Take a stroll down Main Street and see what kind of fucking walruses you can spot. These disgusting creatures scoot around on life support and park in the blue spots at Walmart. Shit didn’t used to be this way. There is no reason for self-inflicted obesity. In fact, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be in the best shape of your life right now.
“But Kennedy, I have a slow metabolism / fat parents / an injury / a gift card for Red Lobster!!!!”
Guess what? Just like poor people, the cards are stacked against you. You have two options: Persevere or complain about how it’s not fair. Most people complain about not having time to go to the gym or some bullshit like that. We all have 24 hours in a day, man. How you choose to spend them is your thing.
5) GET A JOB/LIFE
Some people get hired and some don’t. I wonder why the employer chose that guy? Hint: It has absolutely nothing to do with grad school. For fuck’s sake, make an impression on people. I’m not saying to be fake at a job interview, I’m telling you to make an impression on EVERYONE. Let everyone who knows you know that you are a stand-up guy. “Oh, Jake? Yeah, that guy rules! He’s really got it together.” Get shit done. Concentrate on one thing at a time and do twice as much shit. Instead of piddling around with your thesis and this and that, DO ONE FUCKING THING UNTIL COMPLETION. Repeat. Pretty soon, you’ll have a body of work we can all be proud of.
Just like married dudes attract uncommon amounts of pussy, already having a job when you go into a job interview will tip the scales in your favor. Your would-be employer is impressed with the FACTS that:
A) Someone is ALREADY paying you to do something;
B) You’re SO motivated that the thing you’re doing now isn’t good enough for you.
Also, you’re not crazy desperate to take just any offer, because let’s face it—you already have a job. Adulthood’s oh-so-simple yet mind-blowing logic rings true. Do more than everyone else and you can have more than anyone else.