Posted by
• 01.14.13 01:00 am

I don’t cook. I can make sandwiches that make the earth shake, but you will not catch me sauteing, broiling, or baking.

As some people live to eat, I eat to live. I’m more for convenience and speed than dragging out the ritual of eating. Flavor is important, but I have a terribly unsophisticated palate. In fact, I have horrible taste. A $40 steak tastes great to me, but so do gas station nachos.

If you like protein, and who doesn’t nowadays, might I suggest jerky? No matter what kind of gluten-free, cock-tasting diet you are on, be forewarned. Jerky hits the spot in that primal, meat-craving sector of your brain that even vegans admit to having.

The problem with jerky is that costs the same as diamonds. Fortunately, you can make your own for pennies. I usually go to the butcher and get around 4 pounds of rump roast, bottom round, or eye of round for 15 to 17 bucks. Beef is cheap and available, but if I’m in a white neighborhood where they have bison, I’ll get that. Better still, if you live in America, you just might have an uncle that knows a guy who hunts. It is a known fact that guys who hunt give away thousands of pounds of deer meat to strangers every winter. Get on the list of guys who get the meat. It doesn’t matter how cheap the cut is, jerkifying meat makes it all taste like a salty, savory, edible moccasin. Don’t waste your coin on filet mignon.

Next, you’re going to want to slice it in 1/4 inch thick strips. If there’s any fat, toss it.

Mix it all up with 1/2 Worcestershire sauce, 1/2 soy sauce, plus a ton of spices like cumin and liquid smoke. Drop it all in a covered dish and let it soak overnight in the fridge.

When you wake up, lay it out on these 4 trays. I forgot to tell you that you need a food dehydrator. Don’t buy a Chinese piece of shit. Get the Excalibur. It supposed to be able to dehydrate all kinds of foods, but to me it’s a jerky machine. Anyway, lay those strips out evenly.

Now stack them up in the Excalibur.

Plug it in and set your intelligent phone for eight hours. Find something to do.

The final product looks like shit, but it tastes like awesome. There are no preservatives, corn syrups, or reptile poisons; just the unadulterated meat rewards that come from a nice slow jerking.

There you have it. $20 worth of ingredients and minimal work equals a pile of jerky with a street value of several hundred dollars. With the “price of beef going through the fucking roof, that’s a deal!”




  1. Harrumph says:

    A. Way too much worcestershire.
    B. No-heat box-fan jerky is better with an overall equipment cost of about fifteen bucks in one stop at Walmart(and a boxfan, you always need a boxfan). (skip to 5:45 and mute for pertinent construction)
    That guy’s a pussy and only did one stack, you can do at least two (three overall AC filters, the normal package number)
    C. Jerky is amazing, I have some drying right now.

    Wanna jerk eachother off, a/s/l?

  2. Escoffier says:

    rubber gloves? really?


  4. yogi says:

    haha, gloves. what a puss

  5. Turd Town says:

    Yo! What temp is your Excalibur at, son?!

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