Make no mistake — when the terrorists say that we have too much freedom, THIS is the shit they’re talking about….
Make no mistake — when the terrorists say that we have too much freedom, THIS is the shit they’re talking about:
I’m positive there’s a man somewhere in Pakistan right now staring Paradise in the eye, ready to explode himself into a fine mist if it means preventing this kind of freedom from ever taking hold in his homeland, thereby enabling the possibility of his daughter faking an orgasm on stage in front of cheering strangers.
This is why the name of the event itself is misleading -– it’s a “world” championship that could never be global and is only contested by Americans and Canadians in a handful of selected cities, just like the “World” Series.
If you haven’t already figured out what the Air Sex World Championships are about from the name, here’s a more detailed explanation from the official website:
It’s a lot like Air Guitar, but instead of rocking out with an imaginary guitar, you’re making sweet and / or filthy love with an imaginary sex partner. You choose a clip of music, you show up in whatever sort of wardrobe you like, and you come up on stage and show everyone how you do it.
Competitors are given approximately two minutes to simulate meeting, seduction, foreplay and intercourse. If you’re like me, you’ll probably want to save at least 30 seconds at the end for crying and apologizing.
The performers are pretty much allowed to do anything they want during their performance so long as they respect the guidelines laid down by the event organizers, for as a great man once said “This isn’t ‘Nam. There are rules”:
1. Contestants cannot be naked at any point during their performance, because it would make the event too much like amateur night at a strip club
2. All orgasms must be simulated. (Shout out to my ex: Crystal, you out there reading this? Sign up!)
I first heard about this event back in 2009 when it came to Toronto, but I didn’t really think much of it at the time. I figured it was a curiosity that would eventually die out. Two years later however, the competition has expanded, becoming more popular than ever. The Air Sex World Championships has managed to pick up official sponsorship and a significant amount of media coverage. Who would’ve guessed that our culture would be so quick to embrace a contrived conceptual vehicle that mainly serves as a platform for public humiliation?
If you want an idea of what a typical routine looks like, check out this tasteful video of Air Sex competitor “Slut Truffle.” Pay special attention to the way she expertly caresses the imaginary balls attached to the invisible cock she so enthusiastically receives into her open mouth. If you look very closely, you can almost see all the hugs her father never gave her.
I won’t knock her hustle though. Sucking an imaginary dick in front of strangers is cheaper than therapy and I was able to fap to the video, so in the end everyone goes home happy.
On that note: If you’re looking for a surefire way to alienate your family and you live near any of these cities, sign up to compete in the 2011 Air Sex World Championship.
April 30, 2011: The Empty Bottle (Chicago)
May 3, 2011: Blue Moose Lodge (Iowa City)
May 4th, 2011: The Madison Frequency (Madison, Wi)
May 5th, 2011: Stonefly Brewing Company (Milwaukee, Wi)
May 7th, 2011: The Nomad (Minneapolis, MN)
May 20, 2011: The Middle East (Boston)
May 21, 2011: The Bowery Ballroom (NYC)
Winners of the competition receive merchandise from the event sponsors and a trophy that will effectively kill the prospect of any serious future relationships.
Get out there and celebrate your freedom by pretending to fuck someone in front of a crowd. At the end of the day, it’s the exercising of these delicate liberties that separate US from THEM.