Posted by
Danne C
• 03.30.11 10:00 am


Tumblr is supposed to be this world of fantasy and greatness where everything is cool. But what if I find a girl who reflects everything I’ve ever wanted?

Seems like Tumblr gathers the best of music, fashion, design, LOLs, tattoos, etc., so one would wonder why people with such incredible taste would relate to Forever Alone. Well, Tumblr users spend hours looking at awesomeness — but then what? You turn off your computer and go… yeah, to the real world; the stress, the mortals, the ugliness. Who in the world would want that after great Tumblr sights? No one, that’s who. Beautiful girls on Tumblr prefer to stay home and take photos of their cat instead of looking at your ugly sandals, and that’s totally valid.

Nevertheless, these girls want to be approached and date other Tumblr people. But if she isn’t going to leave her computer to get awkwardly hit on by you in person, then how, HOW are you ever going to pick her up?

This is how:

STEP 0: You will obviously be looking for a local girl around your age, who you are probably already stalking on Facebook.

STEP 1: Add her to Tumblr and like one of her posts. To let her know that you are not just randomly adding Tumblogs, go back a couple of pages until you find something you actually like. THIS CAN ONLY HAPPEN ONCE. The first time you add a girl is the only time you can go back through her Tumblr without looking like a stalker. (And trust me, she will notice if you do.)

WARNING: If her Twitter account is in there, forget it! You don’t want to add her to Tumblr and Twitter at the same time.

STEP 2: If everything she posts is great, then this will be easier; you have to catch a live post and reblog it. Remember that anything you reblog will automatically reflect your personality, so don’t reblog a cupcake with sprinkles on it. You are not a sunflower.

Keep reblogging stuff for around a week. Don’t reblog her every day or use a single pattern. Try something like this:

Day 1: 2 likes, 1 reblog
Day 2 : 2 likes
Day 3: 2 reblogs
Day 4: Nothing because you have a fucking life
Day 5: 2 reblogs

You get the point.

STEP 3: At this point you can speed up things, depending on how many likes she has given you. Obviously, reblogs are better; if she reblogs you constantly, you can now go to second base (i.e. the ask box).

Add her to Twitter, if its visible. If not, you can say something like, “Chill Tumblr! Got Twitter?” Also, participate whenever she asks or says something. Even if it’s corny or stupid, these must always be liked.

STEP 4: If she does have twitter, stop every like and reblog until she follows you back. If she never does, that’s it for you, pal. Pack your eye-bags and move on to another girl. Twitter persona is a bit harder to disguise and if she doesn’t follow you back, it’s because you are not interesting. Sorry.

STEP 5: Start the Twitter flirt. Reply every now and then, and as days go by, get into the DMs. Girls LOVE DMs. Every time she wakes up with a DM from you, she will think you are the best guy there is, and you will never leave her, and your wedding will be under a triangle nebula with cats and Nutella everywhere (or whatever other stupid shit she’s constantly posting on Tumblr).

FINALLY: With her being on Tumblr, you have access to everything she likes — food, movies, a walk on the beach or, if you are lucky, just a 12-pack and a bag of weed. Set up a date so perfect she can never say no, and ask her out.

Note: If none of this works out, it’s probably because you’re not 16 years old anymore or you are uglier than Muammar Gaddafi.

-DANNE C
@NVVMXAC


Comments
  1. sad flower says:

    How the FUCK is this generation of men going to procreate?????
    please please pweddy please grow your balls back.

  2. FaceHeadAss says:

    Whatever happened to meeting girls the old fashioned way, by writing a post for SBTVC which links to your twitter feed which she follows and then a month later she sends you a DM asking where you live and then you email and text for 3 weeks and then fuck in a Denny’s bathroom on a roadtrip through her town?

  3. Aales says:

    “a triangle nebula, cats &Nutella” that basically sums up tumblr

  4. Brononymous says:

    epic dude

  5. Red says:

    You forgot one thing.

    Asking a girl out on a one-on-one date is pretty intense and should only be done if this is The One. There is another version where you are at a crazy and fun event and you call her from it saying, “You should come down here, it’s awesome” (laughing – noise in the background). Inviting her to a show that you magically got tickets to is also a good stepping stone to love.

    Dinner and a movie is “will you be my girlfriend?” If you don’t want to move that fast, make it a group thing.

  6. anonymous says:

    ha ok wait. Call me naive but if you frequent someone’s blog even without a tumblr account they can track you?

  7. no says:

    The first paragraph explains all I need to know about tumblr, I’ve looked at about 3 of them. The rest is creepy. So this is really how people get down now? I feel old (in a good way).

  8. luke says:

    true for hard right here.

  9. Dr. Know says:

    Is this guy trying to pick up Raymi?

  10. Seduccio Suave says:

    @ faceheadass: hell yeah another bro in the know, the explosive-diarrhea residues on the back of the bowl are what make Denny’s bathrooms the hottest spot for rutting.

  11. tinyfrogs says:

    Lucky for us, assholes who pick up women his way will avoid contributing to the human gene pool. What a bunch of douches.

  12. parallel downloads says:

    luv how you invalidate the whole thing sarcastically with that last paragraph, nice one

  13. clif says:

    @tinyfrogs – sounds like someones cat posts are going a little under followed …

  14. Adolf Hitler says:

    Feeling the need to do shit like this, write about shit like this, and expect people to give a shit about things like this is why all of you will die alone in a sad room, sitting at an Ikea desk with chili stains on it.

  15. Hipster Hitler says:

    dude your nic is SO mainstream, also you gotta be kidding me, Ikea? my desk is Cristian Zuzunaga and what’s chilli?

    @Adolf Hitler

  16. lasramblas says:

    The only person who I know that gets laid on tumblr doesn’t have to use ploys like this.

    It comes to him, like a gravitational field. probably works out so well because he posts lots of pictures of his outfits.

  17. Adolf Hitler says:

    Hey Hipster Hitler,

    What’s the “@Adolf Hitler” shit? Are you one of those fags who feels the compulsive need to tell your “followers” about a totally delicious sandwich you had? My fucking followers died for me, which is about a million times better than half a dozen pathetic gaylords retweeting your retarded missives.

    Also, why don’t you learn to write in an actual language, fag? Capital letters and proper punctuation are important.

    Sincerely,
    Adolf Hitler

  18. Hipster Hitler says:

    awwww [at] Adolf Hitler, is this the first time someone EVER replies to you? @ = at, so you know I’m talking to you, this is so I don’t look like a retard talking to myself, much like your comments.

    P.S
    <3 the Juice bro

  19. Adolf Hitler says:

    Seriously, Hipster Hitler, take the cock out of your mouth long enough to realize that placing an “@” before someone’s name when responding to them just means you’re at the same mental level as a fucking 12-year old girl who just got a Twitter account. That shit is for retards like 50 Cent and Anderson Cooper, so why don’t you just shut the fuck up and let the grown ups talk?

  20. Adolf Hitler says:

    Oh, yeah. Nice emoticon, shithead.

  21. Mengela says:

    I’m with Adolph Hitler!

  22. narcos says:

    this tumblr shit is ridiculous. whatever happened to fucking some chick you met at a bar?

  23. leeann rhymes says:

    I really love a good off topic comment fight for no reason. It makes my day.

  24. Jews says:

    Hitlers need to shut the fuck up. Fucking faggots.

  25. Hipster Hitler says:

    ok everyone, we are changing the whole “@” system in honor to the stupidest fight ever brought to you by the biggest dick.

  26. popfop says:

    Ha. I fucked a girl from tumblr. It was okay. (I also raw dogged it.)

  27. clif says:

    @popfop

    Don????

  28. Mr. Belvedere says:

    Hitlers – I only accept one kind of furniture, and that’s a Fargman.

  29. Adolf Hitler says:

    Hipster Hitler, every time you write something, English grammar dies just a little bit. You’re seriously fucking retarded. End of story.

  30. Anonymous says:

    it was just “okay” because your penis is 3 inches long

  31. popfop says:

    I’ve got the Irish Inch, what can I say? Actually it wasn’t bad, to be honest.

  32. Anonymous says:

    I had to look up tumblr. (I hate deliberately poorly-spelled trademarks). Should I be proud or ashamed?

  33. poli says:

    hahahaha, cmmon u someday try to pick up girls that way, u love it

  34. Hipster Hitler says:

    Adolf Hitler is the biggest forever alone in history

  35. Yannis says:

    lol at the grammar commenter, u r such a nerd [via thebooks] #hipsterhitlerteam

  36. Mike says:

    Clever

  37. Stopped reading after “Chill tumblr!”
    Nigga, wtf.

  38. man says:

    All I know is how to pick up girls off Livejournal and ohhhhh boy that’s not the same pool.


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