Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 03.31.10 12:00 pm

Whenever I discuss this topic at a dinner party or something, there’s inevitably some wrinkled grey Jewish crone who tells me I’m a disgrace to my religion, that she’s embarrassed to share a heritage with me, or that I should re-examine my life and find god – that kinda bullshit.

Whenever I discuss this topic at a dinner party or something, there’s inevitably some wrinkled grey Jewish crone who tells me I’m a disgrace to my religion, that she’s embarrassed to share a heritage with me, or that I should re-examine my life and find god – that kinda bullshit.

It happened again last weekend, which was really the last straw: I finally just said, “MOM, if you hate me so much, why don’t you just stop inviting me to your dinner parties?”

My mom was never all that religious while we were growing up – but now all of the sudden in her 70’s she’s decided she’s Jewish with a motherfucking vengeance. OK, OK, we get it – you’re gonna die soon and you think you can fool god – leave me out of it!

No such luck – she’s completely obsessed with how my wife and I run our lives: so disappointed that our kids aren’t in Hebrew School, so angry and judgmental about our failure to belong to a temple, and above all, completely intolerant of our decision to celebrate Christmas.

Christmas is the greatest holiday on the planet, and excuse me for wanting to give my children all the joy that I was completely deprived of as a child. You would think that seeing one’s grandkids’ faces light up with excitement would be enough to melt the icy heart of even the most judgmental and hypocritical religious zealot. Not so. In fact, this past Christmas, she went beyond sanity and took a Grinch-like pleasure in announcing to my little kids that SANTA CLAUS WAS NOT REAL.

I was livid – I couldn’t believe she would rob our own flesh-and-blood of this once-per-lifetime innocence – all in the name of allegiance to her stupid team.

“Fine, kids,” I said to them, “Grandma’s right – there’s no Santa Claus – and there’s no fucking GOD either!”

Bitch wants to fuck up my myths, I’ll take her shit down with me. Fuck that – if we’re gonna drop science on my kindergarteners, let’s take it ALL the way WU TANG STYLE kid. Hoo-ha; Hoo-ha.

Anyway, I did fuck my cousin at Passover once – I was just 15 and she was almost 17 – we were up in a dark country attic in deepest New Jersey, drunk for the first time on kosher whiskey punch and the attraction that had been secretly building between us at holiday dinners over the years.

It was so illegal – she was a freaking Junior! She asked me to unzip my pants and I did what she said – I barely knew what I was doing. I held my breath so long I almost passed out. It was probably the most intense neurophysiological incident I’ve ever been a part of.

And in the end, there in the musty Rumson attic, chests expanding and contracting, soft sweaty flesh pressed together, the experience was the kind of thing that really embodies the worthwhile bits of religion: family coming together, good feelings, tradition, and true, honest love.


Comments
  1. shmoo says:

    jews for christmas… presents

  2. Bono's Boner says:

    Yeah I banged my cousin too, loads of people have. Its not right, though what is right these days?

  3. JüCIFER says:

    Is this Benjamin? You gotta love his neurotic/Jewrotic/erotic ramblings.

  4. JüCIFER says:

    Plus I don’t blame you pal, I gots me some hot cousins in Brazil.

  5. L Ron Hub bored says:

    BENJAMIN Should be the only person allowed to write for this website.

  6. flickin'beans says:

    even though I escaped NJ years ago, fate somehow finds new ways to force me to listen to rich kids from Rumson whine about their upper-middle class problems.

  7. Nebbish Jew says:

    You’re upset that mom gets upset when you bring up at dinner parties and family gatherings having slept with your cousin once during passover, which is really just symptomatic of the greater disease–your chronic existential crisis of religion. What. A. Jew.

  8. spells says:

    Should’ve broken the Holocaust myth for the kiddies, as well.

  9. Billy Cox says:

    fuck yeah wincest

  10. Canadave says:

    “Family coming together” HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT IS TOO FUCKING FUNNY.

    And yes, Wu Tang IS for the children. This was funny.

  11. fizzlebottom says:

    actually fucking your cousin is one of the most Jewish things you could do. Have you read The Bible? Relatives fuck all the time in that book.

  12. just a cunt hair away says:

    christmas is awesome- end of.

  13. Professor Mudbutt says:

    what’s next, elitist rednecks?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lV1mIggoqE

  14. gregor says:

    take my cousin…please

  15. my romance chemicals says:

    god sunny jesus is this good

  16. Taeil says:

    That sounds so sad Ben. But honestly, Korean guilt > Jewish guilt > Catholic guilt.

  17. Clayton. says:

    I have a really hot cousin. AND she’s black.

  18. Frank DeFalco says:

    Always wanted to fuck my hot cousins but never had the chance. Good for you Ben!

  19. homeless says:

    are we talking first cousins here or more distant? First cousins are way to close to home.

    Taeil? are you fucking serious, if so, I feel for you two, catholic guilt is a fucking curse! All fucking day that voice whispers ruthless dissapointment’s in my head

  20. newnumberorder says:

    I fucked my cousin too but we just did oral because she wanted to save herself for her “one true love”, bitch.

  21. miss appalachian says:

    kosher whiskey punch. i feel hot for this and that writing.

  22. Carmensyta says:

    bangin cousins is a no-no.

  23. Ummm says:

    so this guy has officially run out of ideas

  24. Smelly says:

    I fucked my mom on Abraham Lincolns birthday but we were both dressed in tophats so it was pretty unavoidable.

  25. Clovis says:

    @ummmm

    What exactly do you mean? I’m all about hating, I’d just like to understand you better

  26. Anonymous says:

    cousin fucking is so lightweight. ever try being the middle of a double-bro sammich? uh, delicious!

  27. Zippy says:

    Wasn’t the whole “cousin-fucking in the attic thing” straight out of the Anne Frank story? Or did I just get bored in the middle of it and start making up my own scenes?

  28. Anonymous says:

    MOAR WINCEST

  29. Anonymous says:

    I’ve got a few cousins I’d bi-zzang. Don’t think it’s gonna happen, mind.

  30. Eric J says:

    like first cousins or………….

  31. mister iLL says:

    “I fucked my mom on Abraham Lincolns birthday but we were both dressed in tophats so it was pretty unavoidable.”

    needs more love

  32. VIET DONG says:

    I just thought about one of those Missouri hillbilly kitsch billboards that says “KISSIN’ CUZZINS” or some shit like that. Then I thought about what a walking boner I would be at family get-togethers if I had a hot black cousin.

  33. Ah so says:

    Always menschnin it at dinner though, man. Just trying to eat.

  34. poopsmear says:

    WHOA!

  35. poopsmear says:

    im jewish and i have one cousin that ive been wanting to get down with forever. cousins are so hot!

  36. aaaaaaaaaaa says:

    JEWISH ANGST

  37. Scott says:

    I have fucked all of my female cousins and still fuck one of them from time to time. She had a hysterectomy and she like it when I shoot my load deep inside of her. Also a couple o aunts and my mother in law. Just one more. My wifes best friend and she was the best I ever had.

  38. putzinu says:

    My seventeen year old kissin-cousin (I was ninetten) went outside with me after Passover meal, I said I was going out to smoke a cigarette. I had had my eyes on her size 38 bra and whenwe were out I asked her if she wanted a drag. She said “of coursem” came over to me, I siad open your lips and I’l blow the cigarette smoke in, is the way I’ll give you a drag. She did, and I said,” You don’t have to tell your mother about this,” she said,”I would nver do that. That was it for that night, but the next day she called wanting me to give her driving lessons. I picked her up, and we parked on a lonely road, I asked her if she knew how to
    French kiss, she siad no but she’d love to learn. Isaid I’ll teach you. she said she loved it, so I took off her bra, WOW, what a beutiful pair, I asked if she was comfortable, she said her panties were irritatibg her so I took them off. We did a beutiful 69 in my car, WOw, that was some SWEET BLACK PUSSY, thne she said she’d like to bit my putz off so she could have it in her when I* wasn’t around. That’s what I call a GREAT shtickle toches. She used to call me when my tante and uncle went out and ask me if I wanted to come over and play;; she was on fire. Now years later and we both got married she stll calls me when her husband is out of town and tells me while we fuck (she still gives me a terrific blow-job) “Ich been ale mal dein.” Signed, Putzinu


Leave A Reply